This is who we are
by IheartTV 'tv-luvin-hottie
Summary: JJ is attacked. As the team delve into her past they discover a shocking secret, seven years ago Jennifer Jareau didn’t exist…
1. Nightmares

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything ill let you know…

Story Summary: JJ is attacked. As the team delve into her past they discover a shocking secret, **seven years ago Jennifer Jareau didn****'****t exist**… can they uncover her secret past and catch her attacker before he catches her[crossover with Higher Ground, sort of

Spoilers: slight one for profiler, profiled.

AN/ JJcentric, involves child abuse, don't read if the offends you.

Set season 3, post-Gideon pre-Rossi,

**Chapter 1  
****Nightmares.**

_Nothing is predestined: The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings.  
_Ralph Blum

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A shiver ran down my spine as an arm grabbed me around the waist. I tried to scream but he covered my mouth.

"shh, we don't want to wake anyone up now do we Kitten"

"no" a young girl whispered, starting to cry

"good girl."

"..please, don't"

"get in bed Kitten"

"Walt… please, no"

I awoke with a small scream, my body immediately tensing when I felt eyes on me.

"JJ, are you ok?" Emily asked from a chair opposite me. Emily. I was with the team…

"yeah, fine." I replied, discretely wiping the tears from my eyes.

"you sure, if you need to talk…"

"no, I'm fine, it was nothing.."

It was a lie, and they all knew it, but no one commented any further, They settled for shooting concerned glances my way every few seconds.

I finally took in my surroundings. We were on the plane… it was all coming back to me. We just closed a case, little girls were being kidnapped and turning up dead days later. Cases with kids were always hard, but this one hit me harder, and I'm not really sure why. We have had similar cases before, but the little girls this time, I just saw myself in every one of them. Their blonde hair, their blue eyes, so lifeless but still showing the fear and pain they experienced just before death… it haunted me, brought back all the memories, the nightmares, the pain… everything I swore to keep from the team.

I was Jennifer Jareau, happy, cheerful, dependable JJ, I didn't have secrets, I was meant to be the human one, the one who reminded them all what it was to be human… or that's what Hotch told me once. Its kind of scary to be responsible for that, but it makes me feel needed, like a real part of the team…But these stupid nightmares were going to ruin it all.

I know they are getting suspicious, ever since I got the call I've been getting the nightmares, and they're just getting worse and worse. The team is starting to ask questions, and I'm not sure if JJ is strong enough to hold them off, to keep up the walls holding the secrets inside.

"JJ" I flinched when someone touched my arm and they quickly withdrew it.

"JJ, we've landed…"

I turned to see who was talking to me, "Oh Morgan, I'm sorry…"

"don't worry about it, are you ok?"

"yeah, you just startled me."

"JJ, you have been acting strange for weeks, what's up"

"the case just…"

"THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE CASE!" he shouted and I took a few steps back, angry Morgan was a Scary Morgan.

"hey, I'm sorry I shouted" he said calmly "we're all just worried about you ok"

"I know you are, but you don't need to be, I'm _fine_."

"your not. We all see it. Something's wrong. I don't know what it is, because you wont talk to anyone anymore, but something's changed you JJ"

"something didn't change me, I changed me, I control me. I'm sorry I cant always be perfect."

"you don't have to be, but you need to talk about what's bothering you."

"You didn't. If you hadn't have got yourself arrested we wouldn't have known anything about your past, why should I tell you anything. Hypocrite." I started to shout and stormed off the plane.

I didn't look back at Morgan, I didn't look at any of them, waiting on the tarmac for us, I couldn't look at them… _look away_.

They must have heard the argument, it was loud enough… _don't look_.

I didn't look at them. I couldn't. If I did the pity in their gazes would break me… _stay strong_.

I couldn't break, not here, not in front of them, I couldn't let them see the pain…_keep going_.

And that's what I did, I kept going, I ran away. So what else is new. It seems the only thing I can do now is run, its his fault, he made me like this… why cant I let it go.

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Its pretty short I know, but let me know what you think…please


	2. Innocence

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything ill let you know…

Spoilers: none.

AN/ the characters are kinda OOC, especially JJ, but its really hard to try and merge two really diff characters… and I just realised the ages don't really work, I'm so bad at math, but just pretend HG happened 2 years earlier if you've seen it.

The feedback from the first chapter was overwhelming. I'm glad you like it.

I wont annoy you every chapter with this, but I just wanted to personally thank the reviewers from the first chapter.

**AscaDuin**- your review inspired me. I'm really glad you liked it, and she will talk, eventually.

**Casperace13- **hmm, other higher ground characters, hadn't really planned on it, but its something to think about. I'm just not sure how I could get them in… I was thinking about writing a hg version too, like, a case at mt horizon that takes her back or something.

**Elle- **well, lucky for you I don't have much of a social life at the moment, lol. Im glad you like it.

**Tearbos- **me too. Lol. I'm joking, I do have some idea of where I'm heading…

**Withoutatacegirl- **thanks, and she's my fave too.  
**  
evilmojojojo**- thanks. And yeah it seems popular opinion, they will def have more to talk about.

**Bumblebee917**- yeah the second it clicked I'm like, I have to do that. And I hope I don't disappoint.

And thanks to everyone else who's reading, hope you like it.

**Chapter 2  
****Innocence.**

_Innocence is lucky if it finds the same protection as guilt  
_François de la Rochefoucauld

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The second I got home I poured myself a glass of wine and turned on some music. I put the glass, now half empty, and frowned at its size.

"maybe ill just bring the bottle in here…" I said to myself as I went back to fetch it.

I refilled my glass to the top and reclined on the couch, thinking about the girls again. I looked over at the pictures on my wall, and concentrated on one in particular. I didn't think about who the two girls were, only how much they resembled the girls in the case, Sarah, Lucy, Annie, Bella, Nicole, and Maddie, all blonde haired blue eyed little girls, all tortured by a monster, just like the two little blonde haired blue eyed girls in the picture. I stumbled over to the picture and took it down, removing the photo from the frame and turning it over in my hands. There was a notation, Shelby, 10 and Jess, 7 August 10 1993. The older girl was wearing a pink fluffy tiara that said Birthday Girl and had her arm around the younger girl, both were smiling brightly at the camera.

I crumpled to the floor, dropping the frame and my glass of wine but holding tightly to the photo, stroking their innocent little faces, sobbing over the memories of how that innocence was taken, ripped away, only hours after said photo was taken.

Hours passes, seeming only minutes, as I stared at the photo, remembering that day, the happiness, the childish innocence. I've looked back to that day so many times, analysing it for signs, any indication of what was going to happen later that night, but now I cant even be sure if such events even took place, did that really happen or am I just remembering it like that, did he really look at me like that or do I just see it now because of what he did… its frustrating not being able to remember anything before without thinking, why didn't I see it, the signs were there, weren't they, or did I just make them up so don't feel stupid for not recognising them…

The next thing I know it was light out, I could hear the radio blasting upstairs and wondered how long I'd slept. What time was it? I slowly got up, intending to stop the noise coming from my bedroom, but as I turned around I noticed the glass, shattered to pieces on the wood floor and a small puddle of red wine surrounding it.

"Shit" I cursed looking at the mess.

I decided to clean up the mess before going upstairs to switch off the alarm. When I finally made it to my room I noticed the time, 8:15, I was late for work. They were definitely going to notice, but it was too late now, so I went to the bathroom to have a quick shower.

As the hot water cascaded down my body I thought about what I was going to say to the team, to Morgan. I felt bad for yelling at him yesterday, but he was digging, trying to discover my deepest secrets, he had the same reaction when it happened to him. Maybe he was trying to make me spill my secrets too… so he wasn't the only one who was totally exposed, so he wasn't alone, so they had someone else to focus on. I knew I was sounding paranoid, but what else am I meant to think, he should just leave me alone. While shampooing my hair I decided I wouldn't say anything to anyone, just act normal, show up smiling with coffee for everyone, not mention the previous case and hope that no one else does either… if they do ill just stick to my story about the girls, their age, the look in their eyes, what they had to endure, how sick it made me… its partly true anyway, it cant be that hard to convince them, although they hadn't believed it so far, but maybe if I look normal today they will believe it, I am very emotional, the _human _one, its natural for me to get upset over this type of case, give them some profiler line about it being a natural instinct for adults to want to protect children at all costs, it will work, it has to.

I finished up in the shower and applied my makeup, paying special attention to my eyes, covering up the black bags for my lack of sleep and their redness from crying and dried my hair while planning my outfit. Go with sleek, professional, slightly sexy. Grey skirt and jacket, white blouse, tan stockings and sexy black 'fuck me' pumps and a big smile. Yep, that should work. I finished my hair, got dressed and collected my purse, badge and cell phone. As I was walking out the door I remembered my keys and rushed back to get them, slamming my front door and walking briskly to my car. 'Coffee' my head screamed as I pulled out.

I showed up half an hour later with 7 coffees and was practically ambushed by Morgan, Prentiss and Reid and they grabbed for a cup while thanking me numerous times. After delivering the remaining coffees I entered my office to contemplate their behaviour while drinking my second cup of the day. They seemed normal enough, didn't fear me or pity me enough to avoid me and the coffee, obviously they had decided to forget about the previous day, thank god, I thought.

Just as I was starting to relax there was a brief knock before Hotch entered my office, damn, it had to be him, he always seemed to know when something was on my mind.

"hey Hotch, what can I do for ya?" I asked casually.

He looked at me carefully, sitting in one of the chairs in front of my desk.

"here to profile me?" I asked jokingly.

He gave a brief smirk but said nothing.

We sat there staring at each other for as long as I could take it, "ok, you win" I said defeated.

He just continued looking at me, it was making me feel nervous, exposed, as if he was looking into my soul, discovering all the secrets that lay there. "what did you want to say Hotch?" I asked, trying, once again, to break his unnerving silence.

"I wanted to ask you, without being yelled at, if you're really ok"

"I'm fi-"

"-wait. Let me finish" I nodded and he continued, "we all have secrets JJ, things that we don't want known, but sometimes we don't have a choice, sometimes something will draw them out again, and we have no choice other than to deal with them… I want you to know that I'm here, we're all here, when you decide your ready to deal with them."

"Hotch-"

"its ok to ask for help JJ."

"ok, thanks. And I know you're trying to help, but I wouldn't hold out hope I was going to spill my guts anytime soon. The case just got to me is all, I'm fine now…" please leave me alone now, I begged silently.

"Ok. well… that's your decision. But I wanted to let you know that you can tell us, and that we wont judge you, whatever it is…"

"thanks, but I'm fine now. There's nothing to worry about." I said, trying to sound convincing. I guess he bought it, or decided I wasn't going to give anything away, because he left with a nod.

Finally, peace. I was alone, but was being alone what I really wanted. When I'm alone I think… and right now I would be thinking about him, what he did, what he made me do… everything about who I used to be. NO. I don't want this. I decided to join everyone and joke around a bit, try and take me mind off things for a while.

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I am getting to the point, but I wanted to give some background info, then I decided I couldn't just move on straight away, and I think its not believable to suddenly be attacked after having the nightmares. So I'm working my way there.

Next chapter, some of the team members have a discussion about JJ.


	3. Profiling

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything ill let you know…

Spoilers: none.

AN/ JJcentric, involves child abuse, don't read if the offends you.

This chapter is written in 3rd person, instead of 1st person like the previous chapters/

**Chapter 3  
****Profiling**

_History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.  
_Maya Angelou

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Aaron Hotchner was sitting in his office doing paperwork when there was a knock on his door. Curious, he walked over and opened the door, revealing a surprised Emily Prentiss on the other side.

"I was wondering if I could have a word, sir."

He motioned for her to enter and she sat in a chair in front of his desk.

"…its about JJ" she admitted when they were both seated.

"Ok."

"Do you know what happened? Because she wont tell me anything, and usually, we talk. But now…"

"Yes, I'm aware something's going on with her, but she hasn't told me anything"

"have you talked to her, because I think if-"

"yes I've spoken to her, but she doesn't want to talk about it." he answered interrupting her.

"did she tell you anything?"

"no."

"nothing?" she asked incredulously.

"nothing." he repeated grimly.

"what about trying to profile her?" she asked uncomfortably. Most profilers had a personal policy, to not profile their friends and co-workers, but as much as they denied it, they had all profiled each other, its what they did, who they were. But they never put the pieces together, never analysed their knowledge to find its meaning, because that was invading their friends privacy, invading their souls, uncovering the things they wanted to keep secret. So they forced themselves to forget about how easily they could understand each other, until it was necessary.

"I think we all have"

"discover anything?"

"nothing that explains her behaviour"

"Maybe we're wrong about her…" she said cryptically.

"what do you mean?"

"well. When I first met her, she was open, trusting, confident, welcoming, like a total opposite to the rest of the team. But soon enough I saw flaws in my initial… assessment. She appears open, which is misleading, because she only shows us what she wants us to see, she's definitely not trusting, she wouldn't talk about what happened to Reid, and she wont talk about why this case affected her so much, she hides behind a mask of confidence. She's good, too good, at hiding everything, which is what makes her good at her job. She only tells the press what she wants them to know, but her mask isn't just for the press, she keeps her real self carefully hidden behind her flawless mask of smiles and confidence…"

"what do we know about her 'real self'?" Hotch questioned.

"nothing. And that's the problem. She hides herself too well."

"we know absolutely nothing about her…" he said realising the truth

"nope, nothing"

"she's a complete mystery"

"she's falling apart, and we cant do anything to help her…" Emily added sadly. They had all this knowledge, they had the skills to profile horrific serial killers, they understood they minds of people who tortured others in unspeakable ways, and yet, they couldn't understand their friend, they couldn't use their skills to help her, because her secrets, her pain, was hidden way too deep for them to find.

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"Hey." Morgan greeted Reid walking into the bullpen.

"hey Morgan."

"so kid, any idea what's up with JJ lately?"

"'no, why are you asking me? You're the one who talked to her yesterday…"

"yeah, but we both know how that went, and you guys are pretty close.. Right?" he teased

"yes, no, I guess, maybe, I don't know."

"ok… so you don't have any idea?"

"no."

"what about your profile? Anything pop out from that?"

"what profile?" Spencer asked unconvincingly.

"come on, we've all done it, tied to figure her out."

"and…?" he asked hopefully.

"nope, nada"

"I didn't know you spoke Spanish."

"I don't…"

"_nada_ is a Spanish word meaning nothing, it is derived from Latin, _res nada _situation-"

"Reid. Not the time." Morgan cut him off, sometimes that kids brain actually got in the way of thinking rationally.

"oh, sorry… so, JJ."

"yes, I don't know, I mean, I know its out job to profile people, but she confuses me."

"its like she has two different personalities"

"are you saying she's crazy?"

"No, I don't mean dissociative identity disorder-"

"what?"

"dissociative identity disorder is a rare condition indicated by the absence of a clear and comprehensive identity. In most cases two or more independent and distinct personality systems develop in the same individual. Each personality may alternately inhabit the person's conscious awareness to the exclusion of the others, but one is usually dominant."

"ok, so your not talking about multiple personalities as such, just that we've only seen a small part of her personality."

"yes, I suppose I am."

"alright, now that we've got that settled, how are we going to find out what she's hiding?"

Both were silent, contemplating ways of discovering JJ's secrets.

"its hard to figure her out because she's not always with us, during the cases and everything, we don't get to see as much."

"but even when we are around her, we only see what she wants us to see…"

"alright… maybe ill get Garcia to do a little digging, see what we can find." Morgan said, leaving to find Penelope.

Spencer remained at his desk, it was a logical suggestion, but it worried him. What if JJ found out? She would be so angry, what if she never spoke to him again, 'but she's not speaking to you know' his mind told him. He decided to just stay at his desk, and wait for Morgan to tell him what he found out.

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Ok, that was a difficult chapter to write. Especially Reid. I had to do a bit of research for his character

I don't think that chapter was very good, but let me know what you think.


	4. Decisions

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything ill let you know…

Spoilers: none.

**AN/** I initially wasn't going to put this in, but you wanted to know what happened when he asked Garcia, and what she found… then I just liked the idea. Its short I know, but ill update again extra quick to make up for it.

sorry for the delay, i tried to post this 2 days ago but the stupid site wouldnt let me.

**Chapter 4  
****Decisions**

_In any moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.  
_Theodore Roosevelt

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Derek Morgan walked quickly down the hall towards Garcia's office. Hopefully she knew something… or could find it.

As he approached the door he heard voices, talking quietly and seriously.

He knocked twice then entered, giving the occupants time to stop their private conversation before he interrupted.

"hey baby girl, we need to talk… oh hey Emily" he greeted, noticing the other voice belonged to another member of their team.

"We're sort of in the middle of something here…" Emily replied politely.

"I noticed, but this is important, its about JJ"

"well join the club" Emily said immediately, pushing a chair towards him

"so you noticed too." he replied sitting down

"of course we noticed, she's our friend" Emily said slightly offended

"if you're here to find out what's wrong with her, we're as clueless as you" Garcia added

"so she hasn't said anything to either of you?" he asked incredulously.

"no, we were just discussing that actually" Emily replied cryptically.

"oh really" he asked suggestively.

"no way. I already said I couldn't do it!" Garcia said.

"do what?" Morgan asked confused.

"I will not dig into her life…" she clarified.

"please" they both begged, jokingly.

"guys, seriously, she's my best friend and I trust her. She knows what she's doing, when she wants us to know she will tell us. Until then, we have to be supportive."

"alright, I guess you're right. Bye gorgeous" Morgan said leaving the two women alone again.

"so you really wont do it? Not even a little digging…" Emily asked

"no. now scoot, I have important things to do." Garcia said shooing her with the fluffy end of her pen.

"ok, ok, I'm going." Emily laughed, leaving too.

"alright, now that they have gone, work your magic…" Garcia said to her computer, typing Jennifer Jareau into the search criteria.

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Two hours later Penelope Garcia was sorting through thousands of records containing Jennifer Jareau in them. They were all newspaper articles about her athletic achievements in college or related to cases she'd worked. She couldn't find much from before that, but then that wasn't that uncommon.

"Parents deceased, '92, she was only ten, no siblings" Penelope read from her FBI records, discovering JJ had lost her parents too. She suddenly felt terrible for prying into her friends like without permission. She told Morgan and Emily not to, and here she was doing the exact same thing.

"you're a terrible friend Penelope" she scolded herself, closing all the information she had just dug up on JJ.

"talking you yourself baby girl?" Morgan said from behind her.

"only because you weren't here handsome" she teased, hoping he hadn't seen what she was just doing.

"I am now gorgeous"

"yes you are, and for a reason I bet."

"you got me, do you want to get some dinner with me?"

"only if you're buying" she joked

"don't I always…" he replied charmingly.

"no" she said flatly

"well I am tonight" he said, still using his charming smile.

"ok, but I'm not going to change my mind." she added, grabbing her coat.

"what, I don't know what you're talking about…" Morgan said innocently as they left the office.

"of course you don't." she teased.

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It was very difficult to write the characters, trying to stay in character, I'm pretty sure I stuffed them up, especially Garcia, but I tried my best…

Next chapter, a new case brings up old memories…


	5. Family

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything ill let you know…

Spoilers: none.

**AN/ **this chap swaps between JJ's pov and narrator, when its JJ's pov it says so, to try and avoid confusion…

And thankyou to everyone for your reviews so far…

**Chapter 5  
****Family**

_Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.  
_Leo Tolstoy

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**[JJ pov**

Its been weeks since the case that turned my life upside down, four weeks to be exact. Things have slowly been getting back to normal, the nightmares have become less frequent and the team seems to have forgotten about my near meltdown, thankfully. Overall things have been looking up…

Until this case it seems. We'd just finished the briefing and I practically ran out of the room, into the sanctuary that is my office, hoping no one would dare to follow. Only four weeks, and here I was again, being thrown into the deep end, head first. Pittsburgh. It had to be in Pittsburgh. The case wasn't that bad, it was the location. My 'hometown'. The place I grew up. The place where my nightmare began. I should have known, fate was out to get me, not that I really believe in fate… But Garcia does, she's always telling me. Ok its not 'fate' but she believes that "everything happens for a reason". If that's true, what's the 'reason' for making me go back there, because I'm drawing a blank. I cant think of anything, I haven't spoken to any of them in years, seven years to be exact. I cut all ties when I cut that part of my life… so what was the reasoning behind it? Did it mean I was meant to visit my mother again. I decided to casually ask Garcia what she thought… she's the expert after all.

"hey girl, what miracle can I perform for you today?" Garcia asked the second I stepped inside her office.

"I was kinda hoping for advice." I said uncertainly, did I really want to ask, I would give away far more information than I was comfortable doing… but it was Garcia, she'd never betrayed me before, why would she now.

"ok, shoot." she encouraged.

"umm, ok… its about Pittsburgh"

"what about it?" she asked.

"I, you know I grew up there right?"

"oh, yeah, right, course." she said, remembering I'd mentioned it a while ago.

"yeah. Well I was just wondering, does it seem like a 'reason'?" I ask carefully.

"what do you mean?"

"well your always saying "everything happens for a reason" and I was just wondering if you thought it was a reason…"

"a reason to do what?" she asked gently.

"to uh, to visit to my mom…"

"your mom." she asked surprised.

"yeah, I haven't spoken to her in years, my sister either, I really miss her."

"your mom or your sister."

"my sister." I replied and she gave me a look, "it just seems like a sign" I added, getting back to the point.

"a big neon sign." she joked, then added seriously "honey, your not going to get a bigger sign that this, go for it."

"ok, thanks. Ill think about it." I said getting up to leave.

"hey" she called and I poked my head around the door "let me know how it goes" she said waving goodbye.

"alright, bye." I said leaving.

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To say Penelope Garcia was confused would be a gross understatement. Weren't her parents dead… and since when does she have a sister. Neither of this was in her application. Why is she lying? No, a better question, did she lie on the application or did she just lie to me…?

Penelope grabbed her cell phone and texted Emily,

'need 2 c u urgently'

that would get her attention, she thought putting it back on her desk and waiting for Emily to appear at her door… she was going to need help keeping en eye on JJ, and they both trusted Emily, she was their third musketeer.

"Garcia, everything ok?" Emily asked from the doorway.

"sure sugar, just need a favour" Penelope said signalling for her to enter.

"ok but make it quick, we're leaving in a few" Emily said sitting down

"I'm worried about JJ, she came to talk to me before, talking about visiting someone while you were in Pittsburgh"

"really, who?" Emily asked interested.

"she didn't say" Penelope lied

"oh ok" Emily replied, knowing Garcia was lying, but letting it go.

"but I just wanted someone to be in the loop, to keep an eye on my girl…"

"you know we would anyway, but thanks for the heads up. I have to go, but ill let you know if anything happens." Emily said leaving.

"well that went well" Garcia muttered to the closed door, thinking Emily believed her lies.

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**[JJ pov**

On the plane the team was profiling the case, I was.. Well I was pretending to listen. What was the case even about again? Oh right, men, wealthy businessmen, being shot leaving their houses in the morning, while their families were eating breakfast not 50 feet away. Nice. Wish this unsub was around 10 years ago, could have taken Walt out for me…

My thoughts were interrupted by someone tapping me on the shoulder.

"huh?" I asked confused

"we were just wondering where the media was on this…" Emily said gently

"oh right. Umm, its running all local channels, but its under control. Do you think we'll need the media in this case?" I asked, but only got concerned glances in return, must have missed something.

"Yes. This unsub, he's killing men who have nice jobs, nice houses and nice families, society sees them as successful."

"so he's jealous, because they have what he cant?" I clarify.

"basically, yes-" Reid said, but I interrupted.

"that's all I need to know, thanks." I say before leaving.

They all sat dumbfounded, that wasn't normal behaviour for me. They could already tell something was wrong. I have to be more careful. I need to distance myself from them more, they are getting way too close. Distance, that's it. But I cant think about that now, in a matter of minutes ill be back, back at 'home', back where my nightmare began, back where my childhood ended, how could I act normal going back there. If only they knew…

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Sorry its short again. I seem to only be able to write short chapters.

But ill try to update quickly.

Thanks for reading.

Next chapter, JJ visits her mom, surprises guaranteed.


	6. The city of bridges

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything ill let you know…

Spoilers: none.

**AN/** ok, JJ's age is probably off, but just pretend.

This chap also swaps pov, the first part is JJ the second narrator.

Thanks heaps to everyone who reviewed, and also to everyone reading, hope your enjoying...

**Chapter 6  
****The city of bridges**

_Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.  
_Bernadette Devlin

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I spent most of my days in Pittsburgh on autopilot, and if I was asked what happened, I probably wouldn't remember much. My mind was too preoccupied thinking about my impending visit with my mother. I do know it took 3 days to solve the case, although it felt like much longer, and as soon as we had arrested the unsub, I wished that he was still out there. I know its selfish, but I had a bad feeling about mommy dearest, and it did nothing to ease my nerves.

Only hours after we had arrested Mark Knox for the murders the jet arrived to take us back to Quantico. It could have been an easy out for me, simply saying I didn't have time to visit her, but since when have I ever taken the easy way out. Just before the team was leaving I informed them to leave without me, saying I had something to take care of, so they left, everyone except Emily. We had bonded in the last year or so since she joined the team and I liked her, I trusted her, I did the worst thing possible, I asked her to come with me…

To say I was nervous would be a huge understatement. But that probably made me seem even more pathetic to her. We were sitting silently in the SUV after waving the team off, and I knew any second she would start with the questions and I just didn't feel up to deflecting them.

"so, what do you need to take care of?" she asked casually.

Huh. I knew it. "not much, you know…stuff"

"yeah, ok. So where are we headed?"

"we?"

"yeah. I'm coming with you."

"why?"

"because we're friends, and friends are there for each other, and whatever you're about to do… well I figure its pretty big whatever it is."

"yeah, you could say that."

"are you gonna give me a hint? So I know what I'm in for…"

"I'm going to visit my mother…"

"oh, why didn't you tell me?" she said shocked

"because, I'm kinda glad you're here. We don't have the best relationship, mom and I…"

"I hear that." she replied, referring to her strained relationship with her own mother.

"yeah. Well… we haven't spoken in seven years"

"seven years?" she said shocked

"yep. Told ya, bad relationship. Well anyway, I figured a case in Pittsburgh was a sign"

"so where are we going?" she asked turning the ignition.

"east Allegheny" I said simply, relaxing into the seat.

She just nodded. Sharing time was over for now, and I was glad. Had I really just told her all that? I couldn't believe it, I haven't been this open with someone in… well since the day I graduated Horizon. But lets not go there, I told myself, I had something else to deal with today.

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They had been sitting outside the house for over an hour… she had tried to be patient, but Emily was getting restless.

"hey, are you ok?" she asked, snapping JJ out of her thoughts.

"oh, yeah, i suppose… I'm just nervous" she admitted

"its been a long time"

"tell me about it."

"she wants to see you" Emily comforted

"how do you know? You've never met her."

"I don't need to, she's your mother, its natural for her to want to see you. Whatever happened between you, she's still your mother…"

"I'm not so sure about that"

"trust me. My mother and I, we don't get along great, there's some bad history there, but it doesn't mean we don't care about each other…"

"I guess…"

"you wont know til you try." Emily pushed

"ok, I'm going." JJ said, stepping out of the car.

"take your time" Emily said smiling slightly, JJ hesitated and opened the door again.

"um… will you come in with me?" she asked quietly.

Emily paused, contemplating. "sure" she replied eventually.

JJ let out a breath "thankyou"

"don't worry about it, so uh, what's your moms name?"

"Alice B… I don't know actually."

"so not Jareau…"

"no, um, I mean… ok, you're gonna hear some stuff while you're here, but just go along with it, please." JJ pleaded ringing the bell.

"ok, I guess, stuff like what?" Emily asked, confused and intrigued.

But before JJ could reply the door opened, the woman behind it looking stunned "Shelby?" she asked, not believing her eyes.

'stuff like that' Emily thought intrigued.

"hey mom." JJ replied uncomfortably.

"what are you-I mean how are-I mean, come in." she stuttered, opening the door wider for the two women to enter.

"this is Emily Prentiss" JJ introduced to her mother.

"nice to meet you, I'm Alice Blaine" her mom replied shaking Emily's hand

"nice to meet you too." Emily replied

"so, are you two-"

"we're just good friends" JJ replied

"oh, alright, well I had to wonder, after everything-"

"-Lets not go into it right now." JJ said annoyed

"your right, its time to put it behind us. So how have you been? Its been so long, I've missed you" Alice said.

"I've been ok… better, a lot better."

"oh, well that's good I suppose. What about you and Scott?" JJ flinched at the name.

"that didn't work out as planned." she replied

"what do you mean, last time I saw you, you two were ready to get married. What did you do?" Alice asked angrily.

"what do you mean 'what did you do' why do you assume it was my fault?"

"because, that boy was madly in love with you, and trouble seems to follow you around, always has."

"well, it just didn't work out." JJ replied frustrated.

"why not?" Alice demanded.

"because… he couldn't accept everything about my past." JJ said sadly.

"do you blame him?" she asked vehemently.

"what? How can you say that? I accepted him, everything about him, he knew that, we were _both _damaged goods mom, but he wanted me to be perfect, he didn't want all of me, he only wanted the good parts…" she spat, pushing back the tears. "where do you get off anyway, demanding to know about my life, like you have the right…"

"ahem." Emily coughed, trying to stop the argument before it got any worse.

Mother and daughter both stopped and turned to her, embarrassed they had forgotten she was there, and that she had seen their argument.

"would you like anything, tea or coffee?" Alice asked, only looking at Emily.

"tea would be lovely" Emily replied

"Shelby, coffee I assume." Alice said, leaving the room.

"sure, thanks for asking." JJ replied quietly as she left the room, Emily gave a small laugh.

"you weren't kidding about your not so nice relationship."

JJ just smiled "Thanks, for interrupting."

"no problem. I figured I should interrupt before you started throwing furniture at each other" she joked.

"and just in time, I was ready to pick up that glass vase and whack her one." JJ joined in.

"that's a lovely picture" Emily laughed

"what is?" Alice asked returning with the drinks.

"Oh, uh, the family portrait."

"oh, I know, my girls look so lovely." Alice said proudly

"I didn't know you had a little sister." Emily said to JJ

"her names Jess" JJ replied

"you know, she misses you" Alice told JJ

"I miss her too"

"she's getting married next year."

"what? Again? What happened to… Tom?"

"yes, deadbeat dad, left when Lucy was only one."

"guess marrying jerks runs in the family" JJ said accusingly.

"are you saying its my fault?" her mom asked angrily.

"gosh no, why would I said that mother?" JJ replied sarcastically.

"Your father left us, I didn't make him leave"

"At least he cared what happened to me"

"when did he care, when he walked out on his family?"

"he sent me to Horizon, what did you ever do for me?"

"he sent you to Horizon to get you out of his hair"

"you're lying, he turned my life around"

"NO, Peter turned your life around"

"actually, your right, Peter and Sophie were the closest things I've ever had to parents"

"Shelby! don't say that, I'm your mother."

"what have you ever done to prove that though? You gave up on me"

"you hated me, you hated being here, I thought it was better to let you go-"

"did you ever wonder why I hated it here? Did you ever ask, no"

"I'm sorry-"

"don't bother, it was a mistake to come here"

"Shelby wait…"

"what?"

"…Jess wants to talk to you" Alice replied defeated, handing JJ a slip of paper.

"well, this has been fun" JJ said sarcastically.

Their conversation was interrupted by the front door opening.

"Alice, honey, where are you? Do we have a visitor, because there's a car out front…" a male voice called from the front hall.

Alice jumped up to meet the visitor in the hall.

Emily notice JJ flinch at his voice, her face flashed surprise, fear and then anger and betrayal.

"how could she" JJ said disbelievingly.

Emily looked confused, "what?"

"how was your meeting honey?" Alice's voice interrupted from the same direction as the male one.

"I think it went pretty well, how was your day?" he replied happily.

"great, you will never guess who's sitting in the living room right now."

"who?" he asked

"well, come take a look." she said.

"come on." JJ said grabbing her purse and Emily's arm, she suspected for support.

"who is it?" she asked soothingly

"my stepfather." JJ replied disgusted, trying to escape before they saw her.

Unfortunately for JJ she ran into them in the hall, literally.

"Shelby?" he asked disbelievingly.

She ignored him and glared at her mother "how could you?"

"Shelby please…"

"no mom, how could you, how could you do this to us, how could you even look at him after what he did?"

"Shelby"

"NO. I don't want your excuses, how could you. _You're my mother_, you're meant to care about me…"

"you've been gone seven years-"

"and that changes what he did? How could you do this to me, and Jess, what about her?"

"Jess knows… she's accepted that he's going to be a part of my life again"

"WHAT! How could you make her do that, go through that every time she sees you, don't you get it?"

"Shelby I've changed, will you forgive me kitten?" her stepfather asked calmly.

"don't speak to me, how dare you call me that, stay away from me, and stay away from Jess." JJ screamed, storming out of the house and pulling Emily with her.

'How could she'

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AN/ I tried to mention some higher ground characters, only briefly, but still…

Thanks for reading, hope you like it.

Please review and let me know.


	7. Friends

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything ill let you know…

Spoilers: none.

**AN/** this chapter, I think, was better in theory.

**Special thankyou's:**

Linda66- haha, yes it is. And I assure you there will be some physical whump soon too… thanks for reviewing

Ghostwriter- lol, wow. that's crazy, great minds think alike. What if it was Juliette… that would be creepy, blast from the past. Hope you keep reading anyway.

CMJJ7- it doesn't really matter that you haven't seen higher ground, although its an awesome show and I recommend it, just means everything will be more surprising for you, and you will experience it more like Emily and the team would… hopefully making it more intriguing. Lol.

AscaDuin- thankyou thankyou thankyou. You have loyally reviewed to every chapter so far. And in great depth too, I love it. I totally agree, her mom is a total B, but I read it in a psychology book that its not uncommon, I was understandably shocked and horrified. Thanks again for reviewing all the time.

**Also thankyou to everyone who had reviewed to previous chapters, and to everyone reading.**

**Chapter 7  
****Friends**

_It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.  
_Alfred Adler

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Emily spent the entire plane ride back worrying about her friend. JJ had fallen asleep practically the second they had left her mom's house, they hadn't even reached the end of the street when she had heard her soft rhythmic breathing. Not that she could blame her, the emotions that would have been running through her while she was in that house, its no wonder she was asleep. Although not before making her promise not to tell _anyone _what she had witnessed. Looking back she shouldn't have made the promise, the others needed to know, but JJ trusted her to keep her secret, she couldn't breathe a word to anyone.

Thinking back to her conversation with Garcia before they left for Pittsburgh, she had to wonder how much Penelope knew… enough to worry about JJ, but how much was that, everyone knew that when it came to 'her girl' Garcia worried too much. It didn't matter anyway, they couldn't compare notes, she had promised, and she suspected Garcia had too, or she would have explained more when they talked.

She heard JJ stir and looked over to her friend, poor JJ. The things that were suggested only hours earlier, Emily didn't want to think about happening to JJ, their innocent JJ, her best friend JJ- not that she would tell any of the team that she was her best friend, it was a well known fact that JJ was Garcia's best friend, but that didn't mean she didn't see JJ as hers too…

Brushing some hair off JJ's face she decided to stop analysing it, for now anyway. She needed to clear her head and think of a plan, what to tell the team when they asked, which they would… maybe she could just lie and say she stayed in the car the whole time and JJ never told her anything. But she seriously doubted they would buy that, she could say they visited an old friend of JJ's, from college or something… was that believable? She didn't know, she would have to ask JJ when they landed, she would be able to think of a good lie, after all, she seemed to be the expert…

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They were leaving the airport, bags in hand, when she finally worked up the courage to talk to JJ.

"how are you doing?" She asked gently, getting JJ's attention.

"I'm fine" she lied

"hey, I'm not a profiler for no reason, I know your not fine, how are you really?" Emily replied, turning to look at her.

"I'm sorry… I'm used to just saying fine and being left alone"

"is that what you want?"

"yes" JJ replied harshly, then reconsidering "no. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap" she finished weakly.

"its ok, today's been…" she stopped, unable to find the words to describe it.

"yeah" JJ agreed quietly.

"JJ… we have to talk about what happened today" Emily stated, looking her straight in the eye.

"I know, but can we not do it now…" she almost begged.

"sure" she replied weakly, feeling immensely sorry for having to bring it up and causing her friend so much pain, but they did have to talk… JJ was asking for her help by taking her there, and from what she had seen in only an hour, she desperately needed it.

They shared a cab home, even thought they lived nowhere near each other, Emily wanted to make sure JJ got home safely and JJ was just too worn out to argue, and truthfully, she relished Emily's silent support. She didn't push, she had no expectations, she reminded her of Daisy in that respect… just being there, no pressure, no judgement, it was something she had dearly missed about her old life. JJ started thinking about her days back at Horizon, with Daisy and Scott… when their lives were so much easier, so much less painful…anything to keep her mind off seeing her mom… and Walt.

On the other hand Emily was replaying the encounter over and over, not truly believing what she had witnessed… There were so many things that she never related to JJ, she was the sweet media liaison who reminded them where the heart was, she wasn't a victim, she didn't have a terrible past, she was the normal one…

JJ whispered goodbye as she slowly exited the cab and Emily waited for her to get inside before instructing the driver to take her home too. It was a long journey and her mind was working overtime, the memories were becoming overwhelming. The insinuations she had heard, although being just that, insinuations, made her she started dreading the time when she had to hear the whole story. It was bad enough having to talk to an unknown victim during a case… but she knew JJ, they worked together, had lunch together, went out for drinks… they were friends, and as hard as it would be for her to hear the tale, it would be a thousand times harder for JJ to tell it.

"time to compartmentalise" she muttered to herself, taking out a notepad and pen.

Emily had tried blocking the day out, but it wasn't working, she needed to relax, to shut off, so she started taking notes, trying to forget. Not that she expected to… the things she had seen and heard that day would stay with her the rest of her life.

**Abused by stepfather, sexual? (Kitten-pet name?)  
**Abuse, that much was obvious, the nature of the abuse she didn't know, she suspected sexual but she only had JJ's reaction to back it up, although it didn't really matter, abuse in any form is terrible…

**Mom aware of abuse  
**She didn't know if this were true, deep down her mother probably did know, but didn't want to accept it, that her husband was abusing her daughter… it was a very common occurrence.

**Mother recontacted stepfather  
**It seemed like JJ didn't know her mother and stepfather were still together, most likely they separated, and got back together sometime later…as sick as it made her, to think that a mother could still be with the man that abused her daughter, it wasn't uncommon. How, she couldn't understand…

**Father abandoned, at young age?  
**The abandonment had been confirmed, the timeline she wasn't entirely sure about. JJ blamed her mother and her mother blamed her father and, to some extent, JJ. All this, along with the suspected timeline of abuse, lead her believe it was when she was a small child.

**Contacted father, teenager?  
**She had contacted her father, most likely as a teenager, looking for the love and support she didn't receive from her stepfather. It sounded like he didn't want anything to do with her, sending her away, someplace called horizon?, whatever that meant.

**Runaway?  
**It was merely a suspicion, formed from the combination of events and the wording of the conversation, but from a profilers standpoint it was very probable that her close friend had runaway at some point.

**Scott, Peter, Sophie- horizon  
**These people must have some kind of significance, she just couldn't figure it out at the moment. Her relationship with Scott seemed serious, talk of engagement. Peter and Sophie were substitute parents, confirming her already obvious disdain for her real ones.

**Jess, little sister  
**She's very protective of her, they seemed close when they were younger. She married deadbeat Tom- who left her and her little girl, Lucy. JJ knew about her daughter, they either kept in touch longer than JJ and her mother or Lucy was born before JJ lost contact, and she was getting married again… JJ was probably worried about Lucy's stepfather being like Walt, Jess seems to be following her mothers footsteps.

**SHELBY**

There were no notes accompanying the name, it was jotted in large letters at the bottom of the page. Out of everything that was revealed in the short visit, that was understandably the most surprising. JJ knew her mother would greet her as such, and pre warned her… she answered to Shelby as quickly as she answered to JJ, and it scared her. Why did she change her name? How long ago did she change it? Her mother didn't hesitate in calling her Shelby, and JJ didn't correct her… is it possible her mother doesn't know that her daughters name is Jennifer.

Whatever the case, the things she had learned in that house would stay with her, there was no way to turn off this time…

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Feedback is greatly appreciated

Hopefully ill update again before Christmas, but it's a busy time…


	8. Mommy Dearest

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything ill let you know…

Spoilers: none.

**AN/** thanks to Linda66, Ghostwriter and DementedLeaf for your reviews and tips, I hadn't even noticed so thankyou for picking it up, I'll definitely watch it from now on.

Merry Christmas.

**Chapter 8  
****Mommy Dearest**

_To us, family means putting your arms around each other and being there.  
_Barbara Bush

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The second I got home I broke down, I didn't have to be strong anymore, I didn't have to pretend anymore… there was no one to pretend for here. Everything that had happened came back and hit me in the face the second I stepped into that house, but I didn't let it show, I wanted to stay strong, I couldn't show my faults-especially to my mother- because she would jump on them, she would have a reason to blame me again, for being a screw up, for not visiting, for making up lies…god I hate her. She betrayed us, she let her pig of a husband come into our rooms every night- she knew, she had to…

She admitted it, she admitted to knowing what he did to us, she knew and she did nothing, how could she. She was our mother, she was meant to protect _us_, not him. She betrayed us by not stopping him when he left her bed every night, and she betrayed us again by telling the police my 'allegations' were true and then recanting her statement later. She said she loved him, and that's why she couldn't testify against him, because she wasn't sure… how could she say that, she knew, she knew he left her bed _every night_, I was ten years old the first time, and she did nothing.

She loved him, she still did, even after she admitted to knowing, she still loved him- she loved him more than she loved her own daughters, she proved that when she recanted, when she said she wasn't sure, when she doubted us…

We both left her after the trial, I went back to Horizon, and Jess followed suit… eventually. Lucky kid, she got out, she had a sign, she knew where to go… where was my sign? When I was scared and alone and had nowhere to go, where was my sign? I guess that's where we differ, Jess and I. She is still a kid, she never hardened up, even when Walt was… she just clung to mom more. I was the opposite, I pushed everyone away, everyone except her, because she was the reason I stayed for so long, she was the reason I kept quiet, I thought I was protecting her, because he promised. In a way him breaking that promise hurt more than when he broke me… because I should have known not to trust him, not to leave him the opportunity to get near Jess, but I was just a kid too… I didn't know.

I couldn't believe mom took him back. He was convicted, sentenced to 8 years in prison, he was guilty… but he served the time, not nearly enough for what he put us through, and he was out, and mom welcomed him back with open arms… that was the ultimate betrayal, did she still not believe us, or did she just not care?

Jess was weak, she went back to mom, she forgave her, she kept in touch with her- because she was mommy's little girl, and nothing mom ever did would keep her away for long.

Everyone always said I was strong- the strongest person they knew- but it was all a lie, I wasn't strong, I'm not strong… I'm weak too, but unlike Jess I'm too scared to let anyone in, I'm too scared to trust anyone, I'm too scared of being betrayed again… because I don't think I could take it.

But the main difference between us is- Jess is normal. She lives a normal life, she has a normal job, a relatively normal family, everything about her is normal. No one would ever guess what happened to her as a kid. I'm a victim. Always have been, always will be. No, that's not true- Shelby's a victim. When she was 16, living at Horizon, she decided she wasn't going to be a victim anymore, she wasn't going to let the past dictate the future… but she _was_ a victim, and eventually it caught up with her…

But I'm not Shelby anymore, I'm not a victim anymore, and for once in my life… I think I made the right decision.

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It was around 9 pm when Emily called, checking up on me I could only assume. The conversation started casual, she asked how I was, what I was doing, normal stuff. She didn't make me talk, and I didn't offer anything, but she accepted that, she knew I wasn't ready. Then I learned the reason for the call, she wasn't just checking up on me, she also wanted to know what to tell the team. I must admit I hadn't thought about that yet, it never crossed my mind that the team would want to know where I had gone, especially when Emily came with me… I had no idea what to tell them, obviously I couldn't tell them the truth, but I'd already told Garcia I was seeing my mom… what was I going to say.

Emily didn't have any ideas either, we were in quite a predicament, how could we lie to a team of profilers without it being obvious? For the millionth time in only a few weeks I cursed my job, working with profilers made it very difficult to have secrets, they always knew something was up. What if my lie wasn't a total lie, I began thinking. Eventually I came up with a story, it was pretty personal, but nowhere near as harmful as telling them the truth. I told Emily to tell the team we visited my ex-fiancés mother Susan. I felt my heart break a little more at the mention of Scott's mother, who had been so great to me over the years, but locked it in the box that was my heart to deal with later, as I did with everything…

We hung up about half an hour, the last words, spoken by Emily, dug deeply into my heart and soul.

'all I need is a phone call'

It was a simple sentence, but I knew what she meant.

Her words made me think that maybe, this time, someone would be there to save me…

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Its short but I wanted to update for Christmas.. Its Christmas night here, so technically I did update for Christmas.

Thanks for reading

Please review


	9. Predator

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything ill let you know…

Spoilers: none.

**AN** just got back from holidays, that's why it took me so long to update… lol. But I wrote another chapter while I was away just for you guys. Hope you enjoy.

**Thanks to **_**DementedLeaf, **__**ACK1988, **__**Ghostwriter**_** and **_**little me **_**for your reviews, and thanks to everyone who is reading.**

**Chapter 9  
****Predator**

_If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance  
_George Bernard Shaw

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The inconspicuous looking house was quiet, its two occupants silently drinking coffee in the living room. From the outside it seemed like a normal house in a normal middleclass suburb, its neighbours all normal people, nice older couples, friendly younger couples, and families with children, old and young, who would be locking their kids in their rooms were they aware of the pervert who lived in their street. However children were everywhere, playing in front and back yards, riding bikes and skateboards in the street and running to the park just around the corner, most of them left unsupervised by their parents.

Luckily for them, the man with the reputation of being very friendly with children, the unknown predator on the block, was otherwise occupied. He was thinking about his stepdaughter, looking through photographs of her at various ages, comparing her features, her beautiful blue eyes that lost their sparkle after the age of ten, her bright smile that faded to merely a grimace by the time she was fourteen and her lovely long blonde hair which she wore tied up as a child as down as she matured, graduating to hiding her face beautiful face behind it in her teenage years. But she always looked beautiful, just as he remembered.

He had been shocked when he found out she was sitting in his living room yesterday, visiting her mother after years of no contact. She looked just as beautiful, if not more, than he remembered. He had looked at other children since, he was ashamed to admit, but none of them could compare to her, so he just looked, he knew from experience that they couldn't make up for her, not even her sister could… he was in love with his stepdaughter, Shelby.

It would be a safe to assume that was why he went back to Alice, he hadn't consciously done it, but not a month after he was released from prison he found himself at her door, asking for forgiveness, asking for her to take her back. He found himself to be greatly disappointed when he found out she had no contact with her eldest daughter anymore, but still he stayed with her. Why he wasn't entirely sure, he could have started over, with someone who didn't know about his past, about his record, but Alice didn't seem to mind, it was like she didn't remember everything that had happened, but that was fine with him. Maybe he stayed with her because he knew this day would come. Maybe, deep down, he knew that someday Shelby would return to her mother.

He had tried to find her after he was released, but came up with nothing, his beautiful stepdaughter was nowhere to be found…

But not anymore, he had seen her with his own eyes, she still refused to speak to him, but that wouldn't last forever, he could change her mind… he had to.

It was this that drove him to ask Alice about her, to find a way to contact her, because he was in love with her, he couldn't live without her, but most importantly he couldn't live with her hating him.

"I was surprised to see Shelby here yesterday" he casually stated, putting down the photo album he was looking through.

"I know, I couldn't believe it when I opened the front door and she was standing there" Alice replied, putting down the book she was reading.

"she looks good, healthy and everything" he added uncomfortably

"yeah she is, I think, I still cant believe she was here, I was so shocked to see her after so long… I didn't know what to say to her, I was so relieved to see here alive and well, I just yelled at her… I ruined it, I finally got my second chance and I screwed it up" she replied, beginning to cry.

"oh no, you didn't ruin it, I'm sure you'll get another chance, I ruined it…" he said moving to comfort her.

"no Walt, it wasn't you, its all my fault…"

"no baby, it was me, everything was fine until I got home"

"I've lost her, she's gone for good this time…" Alice said hysterical

"I'm sure she'll be back, it was just a surprise, you know how she is" he replied trying to calm her.

"do you really think she'll come back?" she asked desperately.

"yeah, I do, she'll come around" he comforted again

"she seemed good, right?" she asked uncertainly.

"yeah, she did. Who was her friend? She seemed nice…" Walt asked, looking for something to help him find her.

"oh uh… Emily, Emily Prentiss, and yes she was a lovely girl" Alice said, cheering up at the new subject.

"were they-"

"no, I don't think so, Shel just said they were good friends… and they didn't act like a couple"

"oh ok, good."

"good? Walter, what's wrong with them being together?" Alice teased.

"oh, nothing, of course there's nothing wrong with that… I'm just, glad she's not…" He replied uncomfortably, hopeful that her bringing a friend and not a partner meant she was single.

"honey I'm just joking" she said, laughing at his discomfort

"oh right, course" he replied distracted, thinking about Emily Prentiss, she was his link to Shelby, she was how he was going to find her…

"you ok?" Alice asked

"yeah, just thinking…"

"ok. Hey, let's go out for lunch." Alice replied, getting up to get ready.

Emily Prentiss. There was no way he could forget that name, she was his one and only like to Shelby… soon, very soon, he would be back with her. He just had to find out where this Emily Prentiss woman lived, then he would be able to find her… it was only a matter of time.

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thanks for reading and please let me know what you think.

next chapter  
JJ and Emily lie to the team...


	10. Lies

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything I'll let you know…

Spoilers: references to Elle being shot and Reid and his drug addiction.

**AN/** BIG thankyous to need-courage-to-write (I'm definitely not giving up on this story), jennifer 5 2002, Ghostwriter, ACK1988, jess, DementedLeaf, anhey20 and Winchestergal78 for your reviews.

**  
Chapter 10  
****Lies**

_It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would __lie__ if you were in his place.  
_Henry Louis Mencken

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Emily walked quickly into the bullpen juggling her purse, badge, laptop and coffee. She had barely made it to her desk when the interrogation began, every member of the team, minus JJ of course, was there waiting for her to arrive. Thinking realistically she should have been expecting it, but as it was she was fairly surprised at their presence.

"Did someone throw a party and not invite me?" She joked as she sat down.

"Though crowd" she muttered when they all silently gaped at her.

"I called you last night" Hotch accused

"Sorry sir, I was on the phone" Emily replied, she had totally forgotten to call him back, she was too preoccupied practicing trying to sound convincing when she lied to them.

"You should have returned my call; I needed to know what was going on."

"Sorry sir" Emily replied again.

"I assume you got back last night..."

"Yes sir-"

"-what happened after we left?" Morgan impatiently interrupted

"Nothing" she replied vaguely

"Nothing? Come on Prentiss" he continued

"She told me not to tell anyone what happened"

"Well?" he asked expectantly.

'Time to lie' Emily decided. "Ok, we visited an old friend, her name was Susan."

"How did she know her?"

"She was her ex-fiancés mother" Emily said, feigning defeat.

"I had no idea" Morgan said surprised

"She never said anything" Reid added

Hotch seemed to be silently contemplating the story, and Garcia, who was uncharacteristically quiet during the entire exchange was avoiding eye contact with everyone, she obviously knew more than she was letting on but Emily decided to speak to her later, away from prying eyes.

"Happy now?" Emily asked annoyed as she starting to push papers around her desk in an attempt to look busy.

They all shared awkward glances before Hotch ordered them to get some paperwork done, an order they obeyed.

Emily was surprised and outraged at how easily she lied to them, but even more so at the fact that they accepted it so willingly, maybe their philosophy was to leave each other to battle their demons alone.

She seriously had to wonder if that was how the team dealt with their problems, leaving each other alone, letting them hurt and struggle on their own, look the other way when one of their own obviously needed help. It was how they handled Reid's drug addiction. She was the one to question him, she tried to get him to talk, if the rest of the team had have helped her instead of letting him go they might have been able to help him, but now they didn't know, well that's what she assumed anyway. He didn't seem to be using anymore, he was less jumpy and a lot more focussed on the case, but still not like the Reid before Georgia, or what she had seen of him anyway. And Elle, she had never met the woman, but from what she had heard they had handled her breakdown after she was shot in similar a fashion, and she ended up killing a suspect and being forced to resign from the FBI.

JJ was heading down that path too, and Emily was worried they hadn't learned from their mistakes. It took all she could to not fuss over JJ when she walked into the bullpen that morning, looking like hell and trying desperately to cover it up. The team acted like nothing had happened, like she wasn't horribly out of character. They were leaving her alone, maybe they were leaving it up to her to help JJ, but whatever they were doing wasn't working. But then again, she couldn't tell them anything, she had promised JJ she wouldn't, and she couldn't tell them she had lied to their faces, their trust would be gone... it was up to her to talk to JJ and help her through.

With this realisation she devised a plan of action. Step one was buy her coffee until she was in a good enough mood, or feeling open enough to talk to. She had no idea how long it would take, but there was no way Emily was going to let her end up like Elle or Reid.

Armed with the first step in her plan to make JJ open up, Emily walked the short distance to the coffee shop. It looked pretty busy for 11 o'clock in the morning but it wasn't until she got inside that she discovered the delay. According to the attractive 30-something man in the business suit standing next to her the machine had broken about half an hour ago and they were awaiting repairs. Some of the customers had left in search of another coffee shop, but quite a few had stayed because it was the only place to get decent coffee for blocks. She was just about to abandon her plan and go back to work when the repair guy walked in.

She was standing in line making small-talk with attractive-suit-guy when she first felt someone watching her. She looked around the shop but couldn't locate the person. Shrugging it off she turned back to attractive-suit-guy and continued their conversation.

At half past 11 Emily was making her way back to the office with the coffees when she felt the gaze again, a shiver went up her spine and she spun around, but still saw no one. Putting it down to paranoia she resumed walking, quickening her pace just a little.

She nearly jumped out of her skin when she bumped into Morgan on her way into the building.

"You ok Prentiss?" he asked concerned, after grabbing her arm to stop her from falling down.

"Yeah, sorry, wasn't looking where I was going." she replied

"I was just on my way to get coffee, but I see you already bought me some, you shouldn't have" he joked, seeing her carrying only two coffees.

"Yeah" she replied distractedly, feeling someone watching her again.

"You sure you're ok?" Morgan asked when she ignored his joke.

"Mhm" she murmured, turning around again in search of the man staring at her.

"Prentiss!" he said waving a hand in front of her face

"What?" she asked, turning to look at him.

"What was that about?"

"What?"

"You, going all spacey, what's up?"

"Nothing, felt someone watching me, but I must be imagining it"

"You sure?" he asked worriedly, reaching for his cell.

"Yeah, I'm just being paranoid, I'll see you later." She said walking into the building, desperately hoping she was just being paranoid.

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This chapter was longer but I somehow managed to lose half of it, don't know how.

So I decided to post this part anyway the rest will be up in the next few days.

Hope you are enjoying

Review please?


	11. Paranoia

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything I'll let you know…

Spoilers: none.

AN/ Sorry it took so long to update. I've been fiddling with this for days, trying to make it like my original (lost) version, but the more I tweak the worse it sounds.

Personal thanks:  
**Ghostwriter****-** thanks for reviewing all the time, glad you like it.  
**Princess89-** lol, it did? Thanks. But I'm still annoyed at myself for losing it.  
**A****nonymous**- thanks so much, one of my greatest fears when writing FF is to get the characters and/or the dynamic wrong, so I really appreciate it. And for profilers they are pretty dumb sometimes.  
**Jennifer**** 5 2002**- I know, I love Emily too but she was a necessary pawn (or prawn as my brother says) in the evil master plan this is to come. Hehe, and Morgan is so like the protective older brother, or at least in my world he is...  
**DementedLeaf****-** lol, it's not a requirement that you review, I'm writing this story because it's fun, but I definitely appreciate you taking to time to review, even with no mistakes, when I read your review I was relieved I seem to be getting the hang of it, and every writer likes to see someone write, awesome, or anything like that, so thanks.  
**Ros-myers-01**- well wait no more, for it is here...  
**Irismoon**- it was meant to be joined with this chapter, or a derivation of it, but I lost it. My apologies. But I hope you enjoy anyway.

**Chapter 11  
****Paranoia**

_Tell your friend a __lie__. If he keeps it secret, then tell him the truth.  
_Proverb

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Emily couldn't remember the last time she was paranoid about anything, overly paranoid that is. A little paranoia, disguised as caution, was expected and even encouraged in her line of work, but this was different. She was different. She never thought people were staring at her when they weren't and she never felt people watching her, except of course when someone actually was watching her, and there had been a few incidents while she was growing up because her parents were public figures, but it had never felt like this. Fear spread through her and she noticed her hand shaking slightly as she walked along the hall towards JJ's office.

_Calm down, no one's watching you, you're just being overly paranoid_she told herself, trying to remain calm

The problem was the more she told herself it was just paranoia, the more she saw through it. Maybe it was her survival instinct, or common sense, or even her extreme ability to compartmentalise, but whatever part of her it was that remained rational, she silently cursed as she knocked on JJ's office door, it was making her upcoming confrontation that much harder to deal with.

_What if JJ notices something is wrong, wha__t if she starts to question you? Y__ou're being hypocritical expecting her to talk to you when you can't even tell her you__ think someone is following you. _A voice inside her head screamed as she heard footsteps approach the door.

Before she could give another moments thought to her internal battle the door swung open.

"Emily." JJ stated surprised

"I come bearing gifts" She joked, edging towards the door

"Oh, well come in" JJ replied opening the door wider.

"Thanks" Emily replied and went to sit down.

"So, what brings you here?" JJ asked casually also sitting

"Figured you would be needing a break, you've been locked up in here all morning"

"Yeah, lots of paperwork to catch up on" JJ lied smoothly, in actuality she was just trying to look busy so everyone would leave her alone, and Emily knew it.

"Course, we've been so busy lately..." Emily said slightly sarcastically.

"Ok I lied, I just want to be left alone and pretending to be busy seems to be doing the trick" she said looking at her shoes.

"Well they all seem to have forgotten, or decided not to bother you. They've barely said a word to me all day"

"Really?"

"Yep, it's been all work and no play, and really, cold cases are extremely boring work..."

"Not as boring as sitting at your computer playing solitaire all day"

"I don't know, I do love solitaire" Emily joked

"You would" JJ laughed

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, there's nothing wrong with that, I guess..."

"Damn straight" Emily stated causing them both to laugh.

She was glad they were having fun. Their laughter was a temporary distraction from their current troubles, and a very welcome one at that.

"So how are you doing really?" Emily asked seriously when they both became silent.

"Pretty darn bad, but considering..." she trailed off

"Yeah, you're doing pretty good considering. A lesser person would have called in sick"

"I never call in sick, I'm rarely sick, I didn't want to draw too much attention to myself" JJ explained.

It was a logical explanation, and Emily admired her for still being able to think logically in the situation, most people would be a complete mess.

"That's very logical" she finally replied

"Yeah" JJ said awkwardly.

"Well... I'm going to go and leave you alone with your thoughts again, but before I do, I want you to promise that you will come out for a drink with me tonight."

"I don't know Em" JJ said uncertainly

"Look Jayje, I've given you some time and space, but you promised to talk to me."

"I... ok, drinks, and a little talking, but I'm not gonna promise state secrets or anything" JJ replied uncomfortably.

"Baby steps" Emily replied, squeezing her hand before departing.

Emily felt a surge of hope flow through her body when she stepped out into the hall. Hope that JJ was going to tell her what happened to her, hope that she would see the real JJ again, and hope that JJ was strong enough to get through it all.

It was a blessing, or was it. Hope. It could make or break you. Sometimes it was the thing that got you through, other times, it was the thing that let you down. So often people hope for things, most of the time it's trivial and unimportant, but sometimes, the times that count, it can either save you or destroy you. She had seen both sides of hope, the good and the bad, and she knew JJ had too. And she prayed, for hers and JJ's sake, that this time was a good one.

As she made her way back to her desk she noticed Reid and Morgan were bickering about something, part of her didn't want to get involved because really, god knows what it could be about, but part of her also needed the distraction. It had felt so good to laugh, especially with JJ, it seemed to relax every muscle in her body. Logically she knew that was impossible, because laughing actually caused muscles to contract, but metaphorically speaking it had relieved some of the pressure that had accumulated over the last two days. She decided to join their 'debate' as they called it.

"What are you two arguing about now?" she asked reaching her desk.

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Their bickering had turned out to be semi work related. Guns. Big or small, heavier or lighter, European or American, and on it went. Boys and their toys, honestly, it was pathetic. But then she couldn't really talk, Emily had found that one of the easiest of their conversations to join; she had a little knowledge on the subject. However they were interrupted before they decided on a winner, Hotch had heard the racket all the way from his office and came out to see what it was about, let's just say he wasn't too impressed. But she couldn't really blame him, he was going through a rough time with his wife, and he's not the most lenient guy at the best of times.

After being sternly told to find something constructive to do Emily slipped out of the bullpen unnoticed and decided to have a chat with Garcia. She wasn't the easiest person to get information out of; when she didn't want to share it that is, but Emily figured it was worth a shot, as long as she didn't say anything she wasn't meant to.

"Hey Garcia, whatcha doing?" Emily asked invading Penelope's 'office' after a brief knock

"Nothing interesting." She replied vaguely

"Ok then" Emily said starting to feel uncomfortable. She couldn't keep up with this woman, one day she was part of the team, the next she was the outsider.

"What can I do for you?"

"Wow, what's wrong?" Emily asked, concerned with Garcia's conventional reply

"Nothing, why would something be wrong?" she answered in the same manner

"What happened to the pet names?"

"I'm just not in the mood" Garcia replied averting Emily's gaze

"What's up?"

"JJ."

"JJ? What about her?" Emily asked, carefully monitoring her words to ensure she didn't slip up.

"I know you lied, about seeing 'Susan' in Pittsburgh" she said accusingly

"Why do you say that?"

"Because, before you left JJ came to me, told me that she was going to visit her mother while she was there..."

"Well... maybe she sees Susan as a mother figure" Emily tried

"Maybe, but JJ specifically said mother, so it got me suspicious..."

Emily considered this for a minute "why would it make you suspicious?"

"What?" Garcia asked dumbly

"You said it made you suspicious, why would JJ saying she was visiting her mother make you suspicious?"

"I... ok, remember a few weeks ago when you and Morgan asked me to do some digging and I said no way"

"Yeah"

"Well... I changed my mind"

"So you did look around, what did you find?" Emily asked curiously

"Not much, lots of newspaper articles from college and the BAU, that's about it..."

"Her mother?"

"Right. Well, in her file it said both her parents were deceased, died when she was ten..." Garcia said sadly

"Oh. That's terrible" Emily added, playing along. She knew JJ's mother (or Shelby's mother) was alive, she had seen her with her own eyes, and the way they interacted, there was no way they weren't mother and daughter.

"Yeah, after that I realised what an invasion of privacy it was and stopped" she said, feeling bad for revealing her friends secrets.

"So what happened to her, after her parents died?"

"Umm, an aunt took her in." Garcia replied, working her magic.

"An aunt..." Emily considered it, there was a possibility, a small one, but it was possible. "Any siblings?" she finally asked.

"None"

Lie. It wasn't true. She and JJ had discussed her sister, the girls looked alike, they were definitely sisters. That meant her whole Bureau file was wrong, did they know it? They would have to wouldn't they; it was the FBI after all...

"Emily?" Garcia asked after a few minutes of silence

"What?" she asked snapping out of her daze

"What happened in Pittsburgh?"

"Nothing really, we met Susan for coffee, they talked, after a while I decided to give them some space and went for a walk... Then JJ called me and we went to the airport." Emily summarised

"So you didn't find out anything?"

"No. It was just the usual catching up conversation, how have you been, what have you been doing etc"

"Oh. Love those conversations; you can see the awkwardness from miles away"

Emily laughed lightly "it wasn't too bad, they seemed pretty close, or they were at some point..."

"And that's all? There's nothing else you want to tell me?" Garcia asked suspiciously as Emily rose from her chair

"No, I've told you everything, have you told me everything?" she countered

"Yep, every sad detail."

"Ok then... I'll talk to you later" Emily said leaving

"If you find anything..."

"You'll be the first to know" she said closing the door behind her as she left the room.

It was an interesting conversation by all means... and it raised some more good questions. Why does her Bureau file have a phony background, why did she say her parents were dead in that background, and why did the Bureau allow it in the first place...

It seemed the more Emily found out about JJ, the more she was confused. Every new piece of information brought up even more unanswered questions. Whatever JJ's past, it was dark, it was complicated, and it was slightly horrifying. How could they not have known? How could they have been so wrong about her? They were meant to be profilers, the best in the world, why hadn't they seen this?

Emily was worried for her friend. She was hiding something big and it was tearing her apart. The cracks in the mask were starting to show, soon enough it would be gone, and she would have to face her past, with nothing but the teams support to fall back on. She prayed that it was enough... it had to be.

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Ah the second half. Lol.

**Next chapter: more on the stalking front and JJ and Emily talk.**


	12. Surveillance

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything I'll let you know…

Spoilers: none.

AN/ Ok, I know I said this chap was when Em and JJ talk, but I got home from work after being abused by seriously rude customers and this came out…

**Princess89-** lol. It will come. This chapter isn't it... but next chapter will be, promise.  
**Cmfan**- wait no longer, it is here... in a sense.  
**Irismoon**- aww I love you. Every writer dreams to hear that. Lol. Thanks so much.  
**Bumblebee917-** thanks. Yeah he is a creepy guy, but that's what makes it interesting.  
**Ghostwriter**- haha. Now that you mention it she does... hmm. Well I see her as the new Daisy in some ways. Is it bad sounding like Daisy or good sounding like Daisy?  
**DementedLeaf**- you are too good to me. Lol. What would I do without you? Seriously, I've learnt more from you in a few messages than I have from my teachers since primary school. When I go back to school in a few weeks ill hunt down all my old English teachers and abuse them. Haha, joking. But HUGE thank you for picking up on my mistakes.  
**Anhey20-** it's so true, they're good friends and it's almost stopping them from helping her. And the show had some humour as well, so yeah. Good old Garcia.

**  
Chapter 12  
****Surveillance **

_A man's private thought can never be a __lie__; what he thinks, is to him the truth, always.  
_Mark Twain

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It hadn't been that difficult to find her. Emily Prentiss. All he had to do was Google her name, at an internet café of course. He couldn't let Alice find out what he was doing. It had been so easy, thanks to her parents. If they hadn't been famous, or in the media as they were, he would have had a much more difficult time finding her. He couldn't believe it when the newspaper article came up, showing the same Emily Prentiss that had been in his living room only a day earlier with a gun attached to her hip. It took him all or five minutes to discover she was an FBI agent with the BAU, and only another five to find out what the BAU was. Luckily for him the specialized unit only had one home base, Quantico.

He told Alice he was going to DC for a job interview. She had believed him, there was no doubt about it… but then she always believed him. She had blamed Shelby when she found out about them, he knew she did. He also knew what he did to her, and Jess, was wrong, he wasn't a pervert like everyone made out. He knew it was wrong, touching Shelby when she was so young, but he loved her, he knew it from the second he met her. It had taken everything he had to wait until she was ten, let alone until she was 18.

But now, she was older, she was wiser, and she was even more beautiful. She wasn't forbidden anymore, she was all his… he just had to find her.

He kept her photograph in his pocket 24/7. Whenever he thought of her he touched it. It was nine years old, but still looked like her. She had grown up obviously, lost a bit of weight –not that she was ever fat. Whenever he thought of her he had flashbacks of their time together, before she ran away from him, before she broke his heart, but he forgave her. He desperately hoped they could make more memories for him to replay in his head when he was lonely.

He had been appointed a psychiatrist after he was first released from prison, Franklin Summers. It didn't sound like a shrink's name, but upon meeting him Walt knew that Franklin was just like every other psychiatrist out there, boring, superior, analytical and uncompassionate. Frank, as he was known, had no interest in feeling anything for him, he didn't want to know him, and didn't really want to hear anything about his relationship with Shelby. Every time he talked about sharing special time with her Frank would go slightly pale. Walt wasn't an idiot, he knew Frank was sickened by his feelings, he didn't care about helping him, he didn't understand. So he didn't tell him anything about his life after prison. He didn't tell him that he had tried to find Shelby, he didn't tell him that he was still in love with her, and he didn't tell him that he had gotten back with Alice. After his required 5 months with him, Frank didn't hesitate to stamp him 'cured' and refused to see him again. Court-ordered counseling was a joke.

The second his plane landed he hired a car, no need for a motel room, he wouldn't be using it. Then he made his way to the FBI building. He parked his car down the block, partly because he wanted to look unsuspicious, and partly because it was forbidden to park outside the building unless you had security clearance. He had only been waiting for about an hour when he saw her, or at least he thought he did, it was a little difficult to tell from the distance, but the woman in question looked enough like Emily Prentiss to draw him from his car. He followed her to a coffee shop and couldn't believe his luck, it was her. He just stood watching her from a minute, thanking god for leading him to her, when she turned around. He busied himself, looking at his watch casually to avoid detection and she didn't spot him. He decided it was too risky to stay in the shop with her and left, continuing his surveillance from a safe distance, across the street from the shop.

Not long after she exited with two coffees. He assumed she was heading back to work, but followed from across the street anyway. She noticed him watching her twice on the short walk back, looking around both times but still not seeing him. He could tell from the look on her face as she spun around while talking to the black man on the steps of their building she was getting nervous. Each time she felt him watching her reaction worsened. He would have to be more careful, it wouldn't do him any good if the FBI started looking for him, he needed to find Shelby, and he needed Emily to lead him to her.

After she was safely inside and the man she was with, another agent he noted, was out of sight he made his way back to his car.

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The afternoon was tediously boring, nothing notable or interesting happened the whole time he was waiting. He found himself thinking of Shelby again. He couldn't get over her, how she could look so different and yet exactly the same at the one time. He knew it was impossible, but that's what he saw the other day. Maybe it was her personality, maybe it had changed over the years, but from what he saw she still acted like Shelby. Although she did cling to Emily a bit, that was something she had never done before… that was Jess' thing. She was the clingy one, the trusting one, not Shelby. Maybe that was part of the attraction; she didn't need anyone, no one but him.

He remembered the day she betrayed him. It was so clear in his mind that he couldn't believe it had happened almost ten years ago. She was 16. It was just after his heart attack. Her mother had pulled her out of that stupid school her father sent her too, Mt Horizon. She had taken such good care of him, almost like she loved him like he loved her. Then she betrayed him.

But it wasn't her fault. He told Jess not to tell anyone about them, but she told her sister. If only Shelby had known he was just trying to fill the hole in his heart she caused when she left, that he was just making up for her absence, that he would take her back in a second. She was always such a good girl. She rarely cried, never made a sound, never told. Not until Jess had to ruin their relationship. Shelby got jealous when she found out, that's why she called the police, not because she didn't love him, she was just upset.

He was broken from his reverie by his watch beeping, signaling the time to move to a position where he could see the cars exiting the FBI parking lot.

At just after 6 her car left the parking lot and headed in the direction of her home, after following her for fifteen minutes he'd decided she was just going home when she pulled up outside a bar. He entered just after her, but waiting long enough not to seem suspicious and sat at the bar, in the corner. From his position he could see the whole place, including the table Emily had just claimed.

It was unbelievable. Only minutes after he entered the bar he saw her walk in, turning quite a few heads. She was so beautiful; every time he saw her she seemed more beautiful than the last. Spotting her friend she walked over and sat down. They conversed for a few minutes before she approached the bar, only a few feet away and ordered drinks from him.

He watched with rage as some creep started flirting with her, balling his fists ready to step in. He should have known she would be used to it; she politely refused him and returned to Emily with their drinks. It was then that he smiled, she had just confirmed it, she was in love with him too.

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After I read over this I realized he comes off as majorly pathetic and deluded and not really threatening.  
Never fear he will return to being the monster from her childhood soon.

Hope you enjoy.

Next chapter I promise they talk.  
And it will be JJ's pov- I think, seeing as it's her story and all…


	13. Story Time

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything I'll let you know…

Spoilers: none.

AN/ THANKYOUS!!

**Ghostwriter**- awesome, and I'm glad it makes sense.  
**Jennifer 5 2002**- Hehe. Sorry. Not much drama in this chap, but there is truckloads to come.  
**Need-courage-to-write**- aww thanks. I was thinking I'm going too slow, but I like to build up to stuff... not just jump straight in, it adds drama, and I'm very into detail so it works with that. It's so true, delusional is dangerous and he def will be more dangerous soon.  
**DementedLeaf**- lol. You made perfect sense. And I do remember the ep, got it on DVD somewhere. Thanks, I'll take a look at it for inspiration before I write that chap. And he is perverted; only someone seriously not right would see a little kid like that.  
**Anhey20-** haha, he is seriously sick, and in the end he will be dealt with in the appropriate way... in my mind anyway. But I won't spoil it.  
**Ros-myers-0****1**- I know, she's not having much luck at the moment, but things have to get worse before they can get better...

You know I love you guys all to bits, but you've got me worried... complimenting on my ability to think like him. That's not good. Lol.

**Chapter 13  
****Story ****T****ime**

_Sometimes the lies you tell are less frightening than the loneliness you might feel if you stopped telling them.  
_Brock Clarke

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She didn't really know why she'd agreed to meet Emily for drinks. She knew she was going to be interrogated, maybe not interrogated, but questioned about her past. She wasn't ready, was she? She had asked Emily accompany her to her mother's house... but that was just to run interference, right? Maybe deep down she wants to tell Emily. She does trust her, she trusts the whole team, she trusts them with her life, but she can't trust them with her past. It sounds silly, even to her own ears, that keeping her past hidden is so important, but she's not that person anymore, or she tries hard not to be, and if they found out they would treat her different, they would see her as Shelby and not JJ.

JJ doesn't have a past like Shelby, of course her parents dying when she was ten is sad, and it allows her to claim to understand what the victims and their families are going through, but it's not even close to Shelby's past... and that's why she likes it.

It would be catastrophic for the team to find out about Shelby. Her image would be gone, her mask ripped away. They would look at her differently, everyone would. Every time there was a case related in any way to part of her past they would shelter her, baby her, because she wasn't like them... but she was, Shelby was.

If she had stayed Shelby she would have been like them, a profiler, because she was damaged, because she was broken, because she could comprehend and understand the behaviour of the unsubs, because she could, in some way or another, relate it to her experience. But she wasn't Shelby, she decided a long time ago she wasn't going to be a victim, and JJ allowed her to do that. She just wished that in becoming JJ she could have scrubbed away all the damage of Shelby, all the pain and memories. She wished she could completely erase Shelby, from herself and the world, so there was no trace, no paper trail, nothing. That was the only way she could fully forget her past.

Forcing herself back to reality she realised it was after six and she was late meeting Emily. She promised herself she would provide some answers for her friend, she deserved it after everything she had done for her the last few days.

The whole way there JJ had a bad feeling, and it had nothing to do with talking to Emily. That only produced nerves. This feeling was different. Something bad was going to happen, something life-changing. She just knew it.

As she walked into the bar she felt everyone turn to look at her, it wasn't uncommon and usually she didn't mind too much, but tonight it made her uncomfortable. She finally spotted Emily sitting at a table and joined her, consciously forcing herself not to run to escape their gazes.

"Hi, sorry I'm late" JJ apologised as she slid into a seat.

"Don't worry about it... I loved the entrance by the way." Emily replied smiling.

"What?" she asked confused

"The way the whole room stopped to look at you, very dramatic." Emily teased

"Shut up" JJ smiled sheepishly

"Does it bother you?" Emily asked curiously.

"Does what bother me? She replied, knowing exactly what Emily was talking about.

"The way men look at you, does it bother you?"

"Uh, I don't know. I guess it does sometimes, but other times it's not so bad. " she replied uncomfortably, always modest.

"Interesting." Emily said contemplating.

"How is that interesting?"

"It just is.

"Ok then, want a drink?" JJ asked changing the subject.

"Yeah sure, thanks." Emily replied

She felt people watching her as she made her way to the bar. 'Please leave me alone' she begged under her breath. The bartender served her almost immediately, and she was very grateful, it meant she could get back to Emily sooner.

She sighed loudly as someone stepped up behind her, smelling of alcohol and invading her space.

"Hey gorgeous, what are you doing up here all alone?" the sleaze asked, lightly stroking her hair.

"Just getting a drink" she replied exasperated, pulling away from him. She knew everyone was watching.

"A woman like you shouldn't have to buy her own drinks" he stated passing the bartender a few bills after he had placed the drinks in front of her.

"Thanks but no thanks" she replied coolly, paying for herself and walking away. The bartender looked from her, to him, to the money in his hands questioningly.

She could see Emily laughing as she returned to the table and shot her a dirty look.

"Shut up!" was all she said as she sat down.

They both laughed openly when the sleaze stormed past their table, money in hand.

"So..." Emily said, filling the silence that had followed their laughter.

"Yes?" JJ grinned innocently.

"We were going to talk." Emily replied, causing JJ's smile to be replaced with a frown.

"Had to happen sooner or later" she stated sombrely.

"Would you prefer to just tell the story or do you want me to ask questions?" Emily asked, getting to the point.

"Umm, questions I guess" JJ replied

"Ok, wow, where to begin..." Emily said thinking of the most important question she wanted to ask.

"Anywhere would be good" JJ teased, trying to delay Emily's question.

"Why did you change your name?" she asked first.

"You're going to think it's stupid." JJ stalled

"No, I won't" she pushed

"I... I didn't want to be a victim anymore." She finally replied

"What do you mean?" Emily asked sympathetically.

"My whole life, I was a victim, and the last time was the final straw. I thought that I was just meant to be a victim, and the only way to change that was becoming someone else." JJ said while playing with the ice in her glass.

"How long did your stepfather sexually abuse you?" Emily asked, getting straight to the point.

She visibly flinched, how did Emily know that? "What? How do you know that?"

"No one hates their stepfather as much as you do unless he's done something terrible to them..."

"Three years" she stated, still looking at her glass. That wasn't the exact truth, he had done it a few times after the police dragged her back to him, but she ran away not long afterwards.

"How old were you...?" Emily asked uncomfortably

"When?"

"When he first touched you..." she sighed, watching JJ's hands play with her glass

"Ten" she stated coldly, trying to separate herself, to not feel it.

She looked up to see Emily's face which was unable to hide her disgust before she saw it. She was disgusted with her. She thought she was a slut. JJ couldn't believe it. She finally trusted someone enough to tell them and they blamed her. She had never told anyone the details. No one knew when he started or stopped, she had never trusted anyone enough, never wanted them to know.

"What made him stop?" Emily asked.

"I got my period." She lied. She couldn't tell her she ran away; she would ask too many questions, and would think even worse of her if she found out... it was the best thing to do, for both of them.

Emily didn't say anything, but she knew what she was thinking.

"Yeah, that's when he upgraded to Jess" she replied.

"Did you ever tell anyone?"

"Yes, course I did. He promised he wouldn't touch her if I kept quiet, then I found out he lied... I would never put my little sister in a position like that?" JJ said, starting to get worked up.

"Oh, I know you wouldn't, I didn't mean it like that." Emily replied soothingly.

After a few minutes of silence Emily decided to change the subject, "so uh, why didn't you tell your mom you changed your name?"

"I didn't want her to know... I wanted to start fresh"

"Does your sister know?"

"Yeah, she doesn't know how to contact me, I haven't spoken to her in years, but back in college, after I changed my name, we were still pretty close..."

"Did you guys have a falling out or something?"

"Why do you ask?" JJ asked trying to act nonchalant. How could she possibly know that?

"Just wondering. It sounds like you two were really close back then, I was just wondering what happened."

"Yeah we did, over her loser of a husband. He was an alcoholic, got violent when he was drinking... I told her to get out but she wouldn't listen to me. He was so much like the losers mom dated when we were kids, like our father, but Jess doesn't really remember that, she can't see it... and I didn't want anything to happen to her, or Lucy."

"You're a good big sister" Emily said smiling.

"Apparently I'm not though... she didn't listen to me" JJ said sadly.

"She couldn't see it, she was too close." Emily replied.

"She's too much like mom; she depended on her too much... I'm scared she's going to make the same mistakes." JJ said quietly.

"That's why you need to be there for her, to look after her, make sure she doesn't make the same mistakes."

"I'm sick of taking care of her, I've been protecting her my entire life, I gave everything for her..." JJ said starting to shout. Emily pulled her into a hug and she started sobbing "where was someone when I needed them?"

"I'm here" Emily replied softly, rubbing her back soothingly while she cried. She wasn't going to question her anymore, she couldn't handle anymore tonight.

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Sorry if its a bit of a letdown, but i didn't want to reveal too much yet... it makes it more surprising to everyone.

Not quite sure what's going to happen next chapter yet, so any preferences let me know...


	14. Jealousy

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything I'll let you know…

Spoilers: none.

AN/ wow. Thanks to everyone who read and especially to those who reviewed. Last chapter was the most reviews I got so far I think, so HUGE thank you to everyone.

**Ghostwriter**- thanks again for reviewing.  
**Bumblebee917-** lol. She is so pretty, every time I watch the show mum is like, she is so beautiful. Aww, and thanks. And I do think Shelby could be a profiler.  
**AscaDuin**- I would be angry with you, but the second I read 'and you deserved better' I couldn't possibly be mad at you. Lol. And I spent a while trying to perfect Emily's kind of silent comfort, she's such a mystery. The end was a little pent up anger at her sister from watching the show... such a sad show. Thanks for reviewing again. And it's good to know you're still reading.  
**Didi2909-** oh good, I was a bit worried, hence my statement. Lol.  
**Anhey20-** Shelby totally would be a profiler, but we all know JJ doesn't want to be one. I didn't want her to reveal too much, because I've already written part of a later chapter when much more is revealed and Emily is surprised... and I partially agree with you about the disgusted thing, but I needed a reason for her to stop her confessions. About the S vs. Z thing, I'm from Australia so I'm just used to spelling it with an S, but I'll change them from now on, hopefully. Lol. I'll try my best.  
**Linda66**- thanks so much. I'm glad you're not getting bored with my slow pace, but my details are very important to me. And that's so true about running, she really should know better...  
**Ros-****myers-01**- I know, I am being very cruel to her, she will be ok in the end, I hope... lol  
**DementedLeaf****-** yeah that makes me feel a bit better, I guess we all have the potential for it in us, like they say in the show, its biology, psychology and environment (or something like that). I was reading a book, 'don't tell mummy' by Toni Maguire, and it was set in the 1940's and they blamed the girl for her father's abuse. True story, so sad.  
**SSA JoJo**- I was definitely having an emotional moment, lol. But after I wrote it I sat there bawling my eyes out... anyway, thanks for reviewing and good luck with the 'tests of doom'. I only have a week and a half until school starts again. How sad for me. lol.

**Chapter 14  
****Jealousy**

_The heart has its re__asons which reason knows not of  
_Blaise Pascal

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He sat on the barstool watching her. He couldn't look away, not even for a moment, he had finally found her, she was only ten feet away from him... but as he sat there debating whether to go talk to her the bartender started talking to him.

"She's a knockout, that one" he said placing a new drink in front of him.

"Yeah" Walt smiled faintly, wanting to hit the creep for talking about Shelby like that.

"And she's an FBI agent, tell me that's not sexy as hell." He added.

"An FBI agent?" Walt questioned. Maybe he could actually learn something about her from this idiot.

"Yep, Special Agent Jennifer Jareau."

Walt was about to reply when he thought about what the guy had actually said, Jennifer Jareau. Had he heard wrong? Her name was Shelby, Shelby Merrick... his Shelby, the little girl he had known since she was eight years old. He looked over at her to make sure he had the right girl. There was no doubt it was her, the blonde hair, blue eyes, the face, it was Shelby. So why was this guy calling her Jennifer. It didn't suit her at all, she was Shelby. He was interrupted by the nosy bartender...

"You alright mate?"

"Fine" he replied rudely. The bartender seemed to understand he wanted to be alone and left without another word.

Walt couldn't believe it; he didn't know her at all anymore. Everyone called her Jennifer, it was a beautiful name, but she would never be anyone but Shelby to him. She was an FBI agent. That surprised him. She had always had a problem with authority, she was always getting in trouble, with her mother, with her teachers, with the law... she was a troublemaker, so why would she join the FBI?

And what was her relationship with Emily Prentiss? That woman never seemed to be far away. Walt felt the jealousy build up inside him. _His_ Shelby had found someone else, a woman. He had to win her back, but how? He had to find a way to take Emily out of the picture, he had to ruin her so Shelby wouldn't want her anymore, so she would be begging for him to take her back.

He frowned in disgust as he watched Emily put her arms around Shelby and comfort her. That was his job, he was meant to the one holding her, stroking her hair, wiping her tears, not Emily. What had she done to make her cry, the bitch. He was going to make her sorry she ever looked at Shelby...

He watched Emily gather their belongings, an arm still around Shelby, and leave the bar. She was still crying slightly. She looked so small and fragile when she cried, it didn't matter how old she was, she always looked ten years old to him when she cried.

He followed them all the way to Shelby's apartment, Emily driving, Shelby asleep in the passenger seat, or so he assumed from her position. It didn't take long to get there; Emily seemed very familiar with the journey.

He pulled up a few spaces away from them in the parking garage and watched them stumble into the elevator before getting out of his car. Her apartment would probably be on the first floor, she had always hated heights. He pressed the button for the elevator and waited.

How was he going to find her apartment? He would be too late to see them walk into her apartment, and she wasn't going to have her name on her door, she was smarter than that. He needed a plan, something... anything.

As he stepped out of the elevator after the short, one floor journey he smiled to himself. There was a woman trying to unlock her door while struggling to hold onto all her groceries. Bingo. Putting on his charming smile he approached her, speaking before he got too close so he didn't alarm her.

"Would you like a hand with your groceries miss?"

She turned and smiled at him gratefully "bless you"

He took most of the bags from her and waited for her to unlock her door, all the time thinking how easily he could take advantage of the situation. She should really be more careful. An attractive young woman, accepting help from a complete stranger and allowing him into her apartment wasn't the smartest thing to do. But he would never take advantage of her, he was a gentleman, and he already had his heart set on someone else.

"Thank you so much" she said as he put the bags down in her kitchen.

"No problem at all" he smiled

"So do you live here?" she asked making conversation as she started unpack the groceries.

"No, I'm just visiting a friend"

"What floor are they on, I might know them"

"This one actually, Jennifer Jareau"

"Oh yes, the blonde, I've seen her round, don't know her too well... but she seems lovely."

"You have no idea" he muttered to himself

"Sorry?" she asked, not hearing what he said, thankfully.

"Nothing" he said, checking his pockets.

"Lost something?" she asked

"Yeah, her address" he said, acting frustrated.

"Oh, she's in 1B, just down the hall" the woman said helpfully.

"Thanks so much, I would look like such an idiot calling her asking which apartment she was in"

"It's the least I can do"

"Well, nice to meet you..."

"Amanda, and you too"

"Walt"

"Walt" she repeated smiling at him.

"Well I better get going" he said excusing himself.

Apartment B, she was so close, finally within his grasp after so many years. Everything had gone right for him, it was meant to be, they were meant to be together...

He slowly walked towards the door marker 1B, this was it, they were finally going to be together. He knocked on the door...

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Sorry it took so long to update, I was a little stuck on this chapter. And I know it's pretty boring and cheesy, but I couldn't come up with anything better and the story needed to be moved along...

Next chapter, (I'm sure you can guess) Emily and JJ get a surprise. 'Finally some action' you're all thinking. Lol. and it should be up much sooner than this one was.


	15. Lunatics with guns

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything I'll let you know…

Spoilers: none.

Dilemma: haha. Thanks to anyone who reads this, I changed my penname yesterday, but now I miss my old one and I'm thinking of changing back… what do you guys think?

AN/ thank you everyone for your reviews, I was totally overwhelmed at the response. You guys are sooo awesome!!  
**Ghostwriter**- thank you again, you never fail to review.  
**Goodnight-and-Go**- 'le gasp'. I love it. Lol. And no she didn't leave...  
**Linda66**- well on the bright side I updated fast... but I'm pretty sure you're not gonna like the ending of this chap either then. Lol.  
**ACK1988**- be careful not to fall off... haha. Sorry. I'm being lame, but there's a funny story about it that cracks me up all the time. One of those had to be there moments...  
**SSA JoJo**- I won't promise a bullet... in the head. Lol. Don't worry, he will get what he deserves in the end... I would never let him.  
**Ros-myers-01**- Hehe, is this asap enough? I can't get much faster...  
**Smokeylove**- lol, you're missing out (on higher ground) and thanks so much. But don't worry, you're not missing out by not having seen it, you're almost getting more excitement, because you don't know Shelby...  
**anhey20**- haha its ok. I've come to terms with it. lol. He is so frustrating... haha, and I'm the one writing him (just a glimpse into the chaos that is my mind)... and have no fear... (you get the quote)... he will get what he deserves, trust me. I'd never let him get away free...  
**DementedLeaf**- haha yes he is to delusional. When I first wrote it he regretted saying his name, but then I decided that he thinks she's in love with him, so he didn't think it was wrong to see her, and therefore wouldn't need to hide his identity... it makes sense in my mind anyway. Lol. Yeah AUS uses either. My teachers usually say use S because it's not 'American'. And the way they say American, it's like its blasphemy or something/ it's hilarious.  
**Bumblebee917-** lol. Thanks, you will find out very soon.  
**Special agent kibbs**- aww you're such a sweetie. Lol. Your review made me smile.

**Chapter 15  
****Lunatics with guns**

_Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have.  
_Unknown

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They had only just made it inside JJ's apartment when there was a knock at the door. Emily looked at JJ questioningly, but she looked just as confused as Emily felt. She picked up her gun from the side table before opening the door a crack to see who it was.

The door slammed into her before she knew what was coming and she stumbled backwards, her gun skidding across the floor and out of her reach. She watched helplessly as the man picked it up and pointed it at her, turning to look at JJ. Oh god, JJ.

"Drop the gun!" she heard her friend say, her voice cracking just a bit.

"No kitten, you drop the gun" the man said calmly, pressing hers into her head a little harder to illustrate his point. Without even looking at her Emily knew JJ was going to put her gun down, she was in no frame of mind to be standing up to an intruder with a gun. No, he wasn't an intruder, he knew her, and he called her kitten- that meant… oh shit.

"JJ, don't do it" she called.

"No Em, I have to, he's going to shoot you" she cried frantically.

"It's going to be ok, just don't put your gun down, the second you do all our options are gone, you know that" Emily stated calmly, trying to get JJ to remember her training. It was true, the second you surrendered your weapon you were at the mercy of the lunatic with the gun. She just feared JJ was too far gone to realize it.

"But he's going to shoot you!" she said, her voice wavering. JJ was seriously close to breaking down; she had to find a way to keep her strong.

"What if he shoots me anyway, what's going to happen to you then?"

"No, he can't shoot you, don't shoot her!" JJ screamed, sounding even more frantic. That probably wasn't the best thing to say, but her head was pounding and there was a gun pushed painfully hard into her temple.

"I won't shoot her kitten, but you have to be a good girl and put the gun down."

"Ok" she said quietly, placing the gun on the floor and looking at him to release her friend.

"No!" Emily cried too late.

"Good girl" he said lovingly, pulling Emily up and shoving her towards JJ.

"Tie her up kitten" he instructed.

"No" she replied, hugging Emily tightly. It was hard to determine JJ's state of mind, one minute she seemed like JJ, the next she was submissive, like a child. It was possible she was she regressing back to her childhood, or it could all be an act; Emily was having great difficulty determining which.

"JJ" Emily asked lightly. She turned to look at her, a haunting look in her eyes. "Are you ok?"

She just shrugged, but her eyes said yes. She was pretty sure JJ was just pretending to give in to him, neither JJ nor Shelby seemed the type to just give in, this was a survival tactic. She just had to play along.

"Shelby, tie her up" he said again.

"No" she stated, suddenly becoming defiant.

"Damn it Shelby, tie her up" he commanded.

"With what?" JJ asked mockingly.

"Anything, just do it" he said getting angry.

"I can't tie her up if there's nothing to tie her up with…" she mocked again.

He looked around frantically, finding nothing to use to tie her up. Emily prayed he didn't think of using their cuffs, which were in the drawer of the side table.

"I could go get something from the kitchen" Emily suggested.

"NO! You stay where you are" he shouted pointing the gun at her again.

"Ok, ok, I'm not going anywhere" she said putting her hands up in surrender.

"What are you going to do now?" JJ teased. If she kept going like this he was going to shoot one of them out of anger.

"Just…" he didn't know what to do. He hadn't planned to do this, it was an impulsive action. He was unstable, easily irritable and panicking. JJ wasn't helping the situation by pushing him. Emily knew she had to do something quickly or the situation was going to get even more out of hand, she had to give him some power back.

"We could sit…" she suggested, giving him the option of where, making him feel in control.

"On the sofa, move" he decided, shoving them towards it.

JJ looked at her questioningly but Emily just shook her head.

Once they were seated he started pacing in front of them, trying to decide what to do. He suddenly stopped and glared at JJ.

"You betrayed me"

"What?" she asked confused.

"You! You and Emily" he spat, looking between them.

"How could _I_ betray _you_? You're the one who betrayed me."

"No, I love you. I never meant to hurt you. Jess meant nothing, I just missed you" he said pathetically.

JJ looked livid. She was ready to throttle him. This wasn't going to end well…

"You… you think I'm _jealous_" she spat at him

"You don't have to be, I've only ever wanted you."

"No" she shook her head, refusing to listen.

"Yes. Shelby. I love you. It hurt me so much when you called the police and said all those things about me. But I know you didn't mean it…"

"You _raped_ Jess because you _missed _me?" she asked disbelieving.

"I love you Shelby. I thought she could make up for you, but she couldn't, there's only you."

"You sick son of a bitch. You actually think I care about you…"

"JJ don't" Emily cut it.

"No, he thinks I love him. He's pathetic."

"SHUT UP!" he shouted, pointing the gun at her.

"JJ, be quiet" Emily said worriedly.

"SHUT UP, shut up, stop it…"

The gun went off. Emily turned to look at JJ, there was blood splatter all over her shirt, but no wound, she couldn't understand how there was blood if she hadn't been shot. Then she looked down. There was blood all over her, and it suddenly overwhelmed her. She couldn't think, she couldn't breathe. There was just pain. The last thing she heard before she blacked out was JJ screaming her name…

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Dramatic much?

Sorry for the cliffhanger, but it adds effect. I've nearly finished the next part but I won't be able to update til Tuesday night because I'm staying at a friend's house tomorrow…

You can yell at me in reviews if you like… (I'm so mean)


	16. Realizations

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything I'll let you know…

Spoilers: none.  
**Warning!! Lots of violence and adult themes…**

AN/ wow, my authors note is almost as long as the actual story… but thank you to everyone for reviewing.

**Ros-myers-01**- lol, I love repeating myself. And I have updated, and it is Tuesday.  
**Angelus-Summers**- poor Emily, being stalked and now shot. And poor JJ, I'm so mean to her...  
**Smokeylove**- sorry, hope it didn't seem too long... I finished this the second I got home from work, I felt a little guilty for leaving you guys hanging.  
**anhey20**- haha. I'm pretty sure it's ok to laugh at it, and it wasn't really JJ that was pissing him off it was the Shelby in her... I suppose. Since it's a pretty Shelby-ish thing to do.ohh, the devil, why thankyou.  
**Linda66**- well she won't be beating him up this chap, but don't worry. He will get what he deserves; I'll make sure of it.  
**Goodnight-and-Go**- lol, only these last few chaps... this one isn't much of a cliffhanger. Hmm, Reid could work, but I'm a REALLY shit shipper, so don't expect romance. Haha.  
**Ghostwriter**- aww I love you. That's so nice. And I couldn't resist the HG quote, a little surprise for the fans...  
**DementedLeaf**- I love adrenaline, so it's only to write stories with loads of adrenaline. Lol.  
**ReidsLuvr93**- lol thanks. You review made me laugh, a lot. And I love the dramaticness, so expect more.  
**Bumblebee917-** thanks. Aww, Ems is cool. And I changed my name back, I missed it, and when you said u did too I had to.  
**ACK1988**- Hehe. I'm not totally mean...  
**SSA JoJo**- lol, don't fret, he will get what he deserves... eventually. I will make sure of it. And yeah, I always meant to bring the team into it more... when they have to find who attacked them.  
**SLITH**- thank you LOADS. Lol. You didn't only review to this chap, but to heaps of them so thankyou thankyou thankyou. And there will definitely be ramifications for all of them.  
**Special agent kibbs**- that's cool, I love Emily, not as much as JJ, but yeah. I felt mean shooting her, but it needed to happen. And I'm glad you thought it was sad... that's what I was going for.

**  
Chapter 16  
****Realizations**

_All things truly wicked start from innocence.  
_Ernest Hemingway

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He shot her, JJ couldn't believe it, he aimed at her and pulled the trigger. It happened so fast, not like in the movies. She remembered the look on Emily's face as she looked her over, trying to find the injury, worried for her friend, not understanding why she couldn't find the bullet hole. Then she looked down at herself and realized it was her blood. JJ knew the second she felt it, the pain radiated from her and she desperately wished she could help her but she was frozen. She watched as Emily's eyes started to close and knew that wasn't a good thing. She screamed her name trying to rouse her, but she wouldn't wake up.

Blood was everywhere. There was so much. It was so red, it felt like… like blood, there's no other way to describe it, and the smell… she wanted to gag, but she didn't have the time, she had to stop the bleeding.

Momentarily forgetting about Walt she ran into the kitchen and grabbed some towels and thick tape. Hurrying back she applied pressure to the wound with the towels to try and slow the bleeding. Tears streamed down her face as she waited for the blood to stop seeping through, but it just kept coming. It was unreal, how much of it was inside a person. She wondered how much Emily had lost, was it too much? Starting to panic JJ felt for a pulse, it was strong. Emily was fighting, she wasn't going to go down like that, she probably just passed out from shock.

Noticing the blood stopping JJ picked up the roll of tape and started winding it tightly around Emily's waist to keep the pressure permanent. When she was done, thanking god, and the FBI, for remembering her training, started tried to grab the phone to call 911. However her efforts were interrupted, by Walt.

She squealed in surprise as his hand covered her own on the receiver and jumped back, suddenly remembering he was there, and that he had shot Emily.

"Shelby its ok, I'm not going to hurt you" he said softly, edging closer to her.

"WHAT? It's too late for that, you _shot_ Emily" she shouted at him.

"She deserved it; she was trying to take you away from me." He ranted.

"Take me away from you… you are insane. I'm not with you, I don't want anything to do with you" she said, backing away

"You don't mean that kitten, remember everything we've been trough together" he pleaded, stepping forward as she stepped back.

"You mean what you put me through, what you did to me, how you took advantage of me…" she argued, taking another step backwards and finding her back against the wall.

"No Shelby. It wasn't like that, you remember. You wanted it as much as I did, you never said no, it was love… it is love" he explained, stepping closer, so they were face to face.

"NO! I never loved you, you abused me."

"That's a lie" he shouted, causing JJ to look away in fear.

"You took everything from me! You took my mother, my sister… and my childhood. You took away my control, you made me dirty, you made me hate myself..." she screamed, her eyes filling with tears.

"All I did was love you!" he shouted back, punching the wall just above her head.

"What you did wasn't love" she whispered back, terrified of his reaction yet not allowing herself to cower in his presence.

He suddenly snapped, grabbing her arms and pinning her to the wall with his body. She could see it in his eyes, the frustration, the rage… he had finally realized what she had been telling him all along, she didn't love him, she hated him. Now that he knew this, he was no longer worried about hurting her…

She watched him raise his arm and slap her across the face, her head snapping away from him at the force of the blow. She watched as he did it again, and again, and again. She watched him ball his fist and punch her, in the stomach, the chest, the head. She watched him spit and curse and shout. She watched it all, but she didn't feel it… she was numb.

Her non-reaction only seemed to make him angrier as more and more blows were dealt. One thing she had learnt from her experiences was to numb herself, to separate herself from her body; it was the only way to get through. As she stood there, taking hit after hit after hit, Shelby took over, separated herself from her body, because that's what Shelby was good at, she had been doing it her entire life…

She closed her eyes as he started caressing her, she felt his hands work their way up until they tangled themselves in her hair. He crushed her mouth with his own, holding her head in place and thrusting his tongue down her throat, moaning loudly. She felt his hands start unbuttoning her shirt as he bit down hard on her lip, causing blood to trail down her chin. She whimpered pathetically as the pounding in her head got worse and the feeling of blood on her skin reminded her of Emily, lying half dead, on the other side of the room.

She tried to ignore him as he unbuttoned her pants, tearing them from her body and tossing them away. She cringed when he smiled at her; it was the same smile he'd used when she was a kid, charming, loving and possessive. It was a dangerous smile. She closed her eyes and pictured herself dancing, ballet dancing. She had loved to dance when she was young… she stopped when she turned ten, because dancing was beautiful, expressive and light. Dancing was innocent, true dancing took a child-like innocence, which was something she would never have. But when her mind went to the other place, she always pictured herself dancing.

She heard him grunt and pull out of her only seconds before she heard the sirens. She desperately hoped it was help for them, for Emily. She hadn't seen her friend since she patched her up and prayed that she was ok. Everything was going to be ok now, help was coming.

Walt looked like a deer caught in headlights. He was turning around frantically, trying to think of a way out. JJ would have laughed if she hadn't felt so tired. It took all her strength to stay awake. He paused and looked at the window for a second, before deciding it ok and running over to it. The second she was released from his grasp she slid to the ground, unable to hold herself up, and watched him climb out her window.

She sat perfectly still for a few moments, watching the window in fear of him returning if she turned her back, but gave up as her body became heavier and she slumped to the floor. JJ was about to succumb to the urge to sleep when she heard a moan and remembered Emily. Groaning she forced her body to move, crawling over to her friend and checking her pulse again. It was a lot weaker, but she was thankful she still had one. She collapsed again as she tried to reach the phone, but this time she couldn't make herself moved.

"I think she's unconscious" she heard someone say and briefly opened her eyes to see an EMT hovering over her.

"Hello miss, can you tell me your name?" he asked when he saw her awake.

"JJ" she muttered.

"Hi JJ, I'm John, can you tell me where you hurt?"

"Help Emily" she forced out, closing her eyes

"JJ, don't go to sleep, you're doing so well" he said making her eyes flutter open.

"Tired" she said

"Can you tell me who did this to you?" he asked as her eyelids closed against her will

"Walt" she whispered before finally allowing herself to go to sleep.

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Well it's Tuesday night… and I updated. I felt soo bad last night, and would have updated but I didn't have my laptop.

Anyway, next chapter I was thinking of having another team member's pov, and have their reactions to what's happened and getting 'the call'  
So let me know who you want it to be, or who it would sound best coming from…


	17. The call

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything I'll let you know…

Spoilers: none.

AN/ most of you thought it should be from Hotch's pov, and I agree, he is the one most likely to get the call, and by making it his pov I can show more of the teams reaction…

HUGE thankyou's to everyone who reviewed to last chapter.  
Goodnight-and-Go, didi2909, SLITH, irismoon, Ghostwriter, smokeylove, Linda66, ros-myers-01, ReidsLuvr93, ACK1988, dequinha and bumblebee917.

And to everyone reading.

**Chapter 17  
****The call**

_Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier and simpler.  
_Friedrich Nietzsche

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Aaron Hotchner was sitting at his desk, trying to get a jump on the performance reviews that were due very soon. It was part of his job, as team leader, to assess their performance for the upper-ups, although he doubted they even looked at what was written, it was just protocol, and an unnecessary one at that... if there was a problem with one of his agents he would do something about it, not bitch about them in a silly report that no one was going to read.

He was almost glad for the distraction when his desk phone rang, happy for any excuse to put off the annoyance he was currently dealing with. His happiness diminished slightly when the man on the other end of the line introduced himself as Detective Ed Kinsley. Another local who wanted a profile, he assumed.

"What can I do for you Detective Kinsley?" he asked monotonously.

"Actually, I think it's what I can do for you" he replied

"Why's that?" he asked, thinking the detective was just trying to show off.

"I'm from the Prince William County Police Department. Tonight I responded to a call at an apartment complex where two of your FBI agents were attacked."

"How do you know they're my agents?" he asked nervously, pleading for it to be a big mistake, or a joke...

"Their badges were in plain view on a table, BAU right?"

"Are they ok?"

"Both were taken to hospital in pretty bad shape" he answered uncomfortably.

"Who...?" was all me managed to get out, but the detective knew what he was asking, which of his agents were currently fighting for their lives.

"Emily Prentiss and Jennifer Jareau" he read from the badges.

"Uh, thankyou detective" he said simply, trying to process what he was hearing.

"I'll see you in the morning I assume" the detective stated, looking for conformation.

"Yeah" Hotch replied distractedly hanging up and sighing loudly. The two women brought out the protective side in all of them, it was nothing against the two, they were both great agents, but it was natural to want to protect women more than men. He knew Reid, and especially Morgan, would feel like they let them down. And Garcia, how was he going to tell Garcia? They all knew she and JJ were close, inseparable, how was he going to break it to her...

Picking up his keys and practically running to his car he called Morgan, deciding he was the easiest one to break it to.

"Hey Hotch, we got a case?" he heard the confusion in Morgan's voice the second he answered, it was JJ who called the team when they got a case, not him.

"No, there's been an...incident" he struggled to speak, it was happening all over again. Every time the team started to heal something broke them down again.

"Incident, what kind of incident? Hotch, what aren't you telling me?" Morgan asked worriedly.

"JJ and Emily were attacked in JJ's apartment"

"What? Are they ok?"

"I don't know, I'm on my way to the hospital now"

"I'll meet you there." Morgan stated before hanging up. One down, two to go.

Hotch chose to call Reid next, the easier of the two remaining team members.

"Hello" Reid answered, obviously not looking at the caller id like Morgan had.

"Reid, its Hotch, there's been... Emily and JJ were attacked, they're in hospital" he stated firmly and quickly, trying to get it over with as quickly as possible.

"Are they... alright?" he asked unsurely, not knowing how to word his question.

"I don't know, I'm on my way now"

"I'll be there in 15" he said hanging up also.

Aaron distractedly pulled up into the hospital parking lot and walked into the emergency department, temporarily forgetting about calling Garcia, deciding to find Emily and JJ, and their conditions, before talking to her.

"I'm looking for Emily Prentiss and Jennifer Jareau" he stated to the lady at reception.

"I'll be with you in a minute sir" she replied while busily shuffling through papers on the desk.

"My names Agent Hotchner, I'm with the FBI" he stated showing her his badge before continuing "two of my agents were brought in before and I need to know where, and how, they are"

The lady stopped shuffling and looked up at him "what were their names?"

"Emily Prentiss and Jennifer Jareau" he stated again

"Emily Prentiss is in surgery, and Jennifer Jareau" she paused, searching again "is in trauma 2" she said pointing down a hall.

He was about to go down the hall when he heard Morgan call his name.

"Hotch! How are they?"

"Don't know yet" he answered, slowing so Morgan could catch up before walking towards the room JJ was meant to be in.

They walked in silence, listening to the bustle and beeping of the hospital surrounding them.

"Trauma 2" Hotch said quietly, stopping outside the door.

"Are they here?" Morgan asked peering in the window.

"JJ is, Emily's in surgery-"

As he said this a gurney was hurriedly pushed out and the agents caught a brief look at their blonde co-worker, or what they assumed to be her. All they could see was a flash of blonde hair because of the doctors and nurses surrounding her, talking in medical jargon as they wheeled her away.

A nurse noticed them and walked over "can I help you?" she asked politely.

"We're looking for Jennifer Jareau" Hotch said, Morgan staying quiet, knowing Hotch would answer her.

"She's just been taken to surgery"

"We saw" Morgan said "what's wrong with her?"

"Are you family?" she asked, assuming the answer was no.

"I'm Agent Hotchner with the FBI, and yes, we're family" Hotch replied, interrupting before Morgan could get a word out. His authoritative nature was very effective in these situations.

"I'll get Dr Beaufort for you" she replied walking away.

"Where's Reid and Garcia?" Morgan asked when they were alone.

"Damn" Hotch replied, pulling his phone from his pocket.

"You haven't called them yet?"

"Reid's on his way, I haven't called Garcia yet" he admitted.

"Let me do it" Morgan replied, dialling his phone.

"Hey baby-girl (_paus__e_ No I can't, not tonight (_pause_ no, there's actually something I need to tell you _(pause)_ it is serious _(pause)_ at the hospital _(pause)_ not me...its JJ and Emily _(pause) _don't worry baby-girl, they are going to be fine _(pause)_ call me when you get here"

Hotch was listening to Morgan's side of the conversation, mentally filling in the gaps.

"Are they ok, where's Garcia?" he heard Reid ask from behind him.

"We're waiting to talk to JJ's doctor and Emily's in surgery" Hotch answered

"Garcia's on her way" Morgan added hanging up his phone.

"Agent Hotchner?" they heard someone ask

"Yes" he replied as they all turned to the man, the doctor the assumed from his white coat.

"I'm Doctor Beaufort"

"How is she?" Morgan interrupted the introductions.

"I'm not going to lie to you, she's in a bad way... someone gave her a thorough work over."

"Is she going to be ok?" Hotch asked

"She has quite a few injuries, mostly bruising, but she had a head injury, which is very unpredictable" the doctor explained.

"What aren't you telling us?" Reid asked

"She has some internal bleeding, which is why we just sent her to surgery"

"How serious is it?" Hotch asked

"Well internal bleeding is serious, but we caught it early and I don't see why she wouldn't make it through the surgery fine."

"What about her head injury?" Reid asked

"Head injuries are difficult as I said; we won't know until she wakes up, she's been unconscious since the paramedics arrived on scene"

Reid seemed to be considering what the doctor had said, no doubt knowing the percentage of people who woke up with some sort of permanent damage.

"Would you be able to find out about Emily Prentiss, she's in surgery." Hotch asked, but it was more like a demand.

"If you go to the surgical waiting room someone there should be able to help you, they can let you know when both women get out or surgery" doctor Beaufort replied, showing them in the direction of the waiting room.

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Ok, I know I didn't really tell you how they are... but this chap was meant to be more about how they receive the news.  
I'll try to update sooner for next chapter.

**Next chap: they wait for news on Emily and JJ's conditions.**


	18. Waiting

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything I'll let you know…

Spoilers: none.

AN/ big thankyou to everyone who reviewed. Hope you like this chapter, I'm not sure about it. lol. And I have no real medical knowledge but I did a little research and have watched lots of TV medical shows so hopefully it's not too far off. Correct me if I get it wrong!!

**Ghostwriter**- I'm glad it made sense, that's what I was going for. Lol.  
**ACK1988**- oh you will find out soon, but would I really let them not be ok?  
**Didi2909-** aww thankyou, that's what I was shooting for. I'm glad you thought it was realistic; I did a bit of research so hopefully it makes sense.  
**Bumblebee917-** exactly, the set up makes the actual answers more intense and interesting... builds it up a bit. And feel free to correct my medical stuff, along with anything else, I did some research into it but you can always get things wrong.  
**Carla-Leigh**- Hehe, I'm glad you enjoyed. Hope you like this chap too.  
**Ros-myers-01**- you will def find out soon, don't worry, would I let them die?  
**SLITH**- aww you're so kind. I've watched a few medical shows and they always seem to do it on them so I figured why not. Yeah poor JJ, and you guessed it, very nice-lol, there will be some repercussions for her... nothing too permanent, I don't think...  
**Smokeylove**- lol. Thankyou. And wait no longer, although you might be a little disappointed.  
**CMFANATICJJ**- aww, you're such a sweetie. Lol. I feel very special, joining to review my story...  
**Need-courage-to-write**- I'm glad you liked that, I wasn't sure how to do it, because the chap was Hotch's pov, but I figured Morgan was more likely to call her.  
**ReidsLuvr93**- lol. You will find out this chapter...

**Chapter 18  
****Waiting**

_Bullets cannot be recalled. They cannot be uninvented. But they can be taken out of the gun.  
_Martin Amis

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Her hands were still shaking as she paid the cab driver and quickly walked into the hospital's emergency room. She hadn't trusted herself to drive, she was shaking too much and she couldn't see clearly from the tears that had been constantly flowing down her cheeks since Morgan called her. She rushed through the whooshing doors which usually amused her and barged past everyone waiting to talk to the receptionist at the desk.

"I'm with the FBI, I'm looking for Jennifer Jareau and-"

"Emily Prentiss" the receptionist finished for her, sick of everyone demanding to know where they were and waving badges around. She noticed people looking at her warily as the lady looked at the screen.

"Both are in surgery, the waiting rooms that way" she pointed and Penelope hurried down the hall.

The signs were slightly confusing but she managed to find her way there quickly and noticed the rest of the team already there.

"How are my girls?" she demanded.

"Emily's in surgery having a bullet removed from her stomach, she lost a lot of blood but the doctor thinks she will be ok" Hotch answered

"What about JJ" Garcia asked, worried for her best friend.

"She's bleeding internally, they were taking her to surgery when we arrived but they seem to think she will be fine. She has a head injury; but they won't know how bad it is until she wakes up…"

"Oh" she said quietly, sitting down.

"How are you baby girl?" Morgan asked concerned

"Are you seriously asking me that? My best friends are in surgery after being… I don't even know what… and you want to know if I'm ok. No, Derek, I'm not ok" she shouted at him.

"I was just-"

"Well don't" she interrupted angrily, turning away from him.

He stood up and started pacing. She tried to turn away and hid her face as the tears started falling again, but it was no use, Morgan noticed straight away and pulled her into a hug. She forgot instantly about being mad at him and let the comfort wash over her as she lay her head on his shoulder. Reid sat in the other chair next to her and played with his hands uncomfortably and Hotch continued to pace, up and back, hands clenched at his sides. She looked back at Reid and threw her arms around him, a small gesture of comfort to which he gave her a small, albeit forced, smile.

They sat in those small, uncomfortable, plastic chairs for hours waiting for news. Reid fell asleep holding her hand and she kept her head on Derek's shoulder, each drawing a small comfort from the contact.

Hotch paced. Hour after hour after hour, up and back. It was slightly hypnotic watching him, and yet it worried her. He wasn't taking it well, not that any of them did, but he was reacting particularly badly. She knew he blamed himself, they all did, but there was so reason to… not yet at least. They had no idea who had done this to them, she had a feeling, call it women's intuition, that it was related to JJ and her suspicious visit in Pittsburgh, but she had no evidence of that, or much knowledge of what occurred there… but Emily did. The more she thought about it that more it made sense.

"Emily Prentiss?"

Her thoughts were interrupted by a doctor in scrubs walking over to them.

"Yes" they all answered at the same time.

"I'm Doctor Lawrence"

"How is she?" Garcia interrupted, she didn't care what his name was, she wanted to know how her friend was.

"The surgery went well, she's going to be fine" he said and they all sighed in relief.

"What about JJ" she asked

The doctor looked confused "who?"

"Jennifer Jareau, the other agent that came in with her" Hotch explained.

"I don't know, you'll have to talk to her doctor"

"Could you find out for us?" Hotch asked

"Sure, wait here" he replied, walking through the doors marker 'staff only'. They waited silently, hoping she was ok. Listening for his footsteps in the almost silent room, the only noise distant echoes from other wings, the beeping, whooshing and clanging hospitals are famous for.

Finally footsteps could be heard and the doctor reappeared, a solemn look on his face. "I'm sorry, all they can tell me is she's in surgery"

"Can we see Prentiss now?" Hotch asked quickly.

"Ok, but she won't be awake for a few hours yet, follow me"

He led them down a hall and into a small room. The lights, combined with the sounds of the machines gave it an eerie feel and they shuddered as they entered. Garcia gasped when she saw Emily, who was deathly pale and hooked up to numerous machines, all making the creepy whooshing or annoying beeping noises. She looked so small and fragile; nothing like the Emily Prentiss they knew and loved.

"Oh god Emily" she heard herself whisper as she walked forward and brushed some hair off her face.

"When I catch the guy who did this-"Morgan started

"let's go talk to the lead detective" Hotch interrupted and Morgan nodded "let us know if she wakes up or..." he left the statement hanging but they all knew what he meant...

Garcia and Reid sat by Emily's bed for hours, each holding one of her hands, waiting for her to wake up. They needed to know she was ok... and she held all the answers. She knew what had happened in JJ's apartment, she knew what happened in Pittsburgh, and she suspected she knew what was wrong with JJ. Garcia knew they wouldn't be the same if Emily and JJ weren't ok, so she sat by Emily's side, and prayed.

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Its pretty crap I know, but I couldn't get the feel for this chapter like I have with others, it was more forced or something.

Hopefully next chapter will flow better, and will be a bit longer. lol  
It will most likely be in Morgan's pov


	19. The Scene

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything I'll let you know…

Spoilers: none.

AN/ I am SO sorry it took so long for me to update. I just started back at school and have been swamped, but I decided to put off the homework for you guys, so I hope you enjoy.  
Oh. Also, a few people have commented on the length of JJ's surgery and although it is serious I didn't mean for it to go on for this long, I was going to fix that in this chapter but I couldn't find a good spot to put it, so next chapter I promise.

Thank you to Ghostwriter, Carla-Leigh, ReidsLuvr93, smokeylove, ros-myers-01, SLITH, didi2909, vth101, bumblebee917, irismoon and Partyhat for your reviews, I love you guys.

**Chapter 19  
****The Scene**

_Hope is like peace. It is not a gift from god. It is a gift only we can give one another.  
_Elie Wiesel

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It had to be them, Emily and JJ, their two female agents. They were all protective of the two females, Emily not so much, she always seemed to be able to take care of herself, but JJ, she had an innocence about her, and he would be a lie to say he didn't wished she could permanently stay at Quantico like Garcia.

He kept going over it in his head… what he was going to do that bastard when they caught up with him. Who would want to hurt JJ and Emily? He suddenly remembered what had taken place earlier that day on the front steps, Emily looked almost scared, he'd never seen her like that, he was ready to call Hotch, but he didn't, he trusted her, was it a mistake that could have cost her life, that could cost JJ's life.

"Hotch, there's something I need to tell you…" He stated uncomfortably.

"Ok" he replied, waiting for him to continue.

"Something happened this morning, it might be related to…what happened" Morgan tried to explain, feeling terrible for letting it go so easily and turning to look out the window to hide his shame.

"What happened?" Hotch demanded.

"Emily felt someone watching her, she looked really spooked, I've never seen her like it before, but she said she was being paranoid and I let it go… I know I shouldn't have but-"

"It's not your fault" Hotch said simply, and hearing it from him made Morgan's guilt fade a little, but he still spent the rest of the drive facing the window, picturing the look on Emily's face and wishing he'd done more.

They arrived at JJ's apartment building 10 minutes late. He had to hold down the bile that rose in his throat when he saw the scene; there was blood all over the floor, Emily's blood. Walking further into the room he noticed a small blood trail, leading to the other side of the room, and slowly followed it, wary of what it was leading to… but nothing could have prepared him for what he saw- JJ's clothes thrown haphazardly in the corner of the room. He put a hand on the chair next to him to steady himself as a wave of emotion washed over him. No one had said anything about JJ not wearing any clothes. He tried to ignore the anger that increased at the sight of her clothes, he tried to think of another reasonable explanation for her clothes being on the floor in the corner of her living room, he tried to think of anything but what must have happened to JJ for her clothes to be there, but it wasn't working.

"Are you alright mate?"

He turned to look at the man talking to him "yeah, I just wasn't expecting…" he was lost for words.

"It's pretty horrible, and the poor women, FBI agents apparently, one shot, the other bashed black and blue, I talked to one of the paramedics, she was barely awake when they got here, purely will and adrenaline that kept her from passing out… said he wouldn't be surprised if she wound up with brain damage from the beating she took-"

"Agent Morgan?" a detective asked from beside him.

He nodded silently; it couldn't be true, brain damage, could it?

"Hey Ed, I got him" he vaguely heard the detective say.

The next thing he knew Hotch had a hand on his shoulder steadying him

"Morgan?"

"Brain damage" he whispered

"Morgan?" he repeated confused

"Wait, you're… you're FBI, you know… oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"

"What?" Hotch demanded.

"Well, I told him I talked to the paramedic who told me… he wouldn't be surprised if the agent wound up with brain damage from the beating she took… but I didn't know-"

"You idiot" Morgan heard an irate man say from behind him.

"Ed, I'm sorry-"

"Get out" he stated

"Sir" the officer asked

"GET OUT."

"But sir-"

"Out, now. I'm sure you have paperwork to do." The detective said leaving no room for debate and the officer slowly left, muttering profanities.

"Agent Hotchner?" he asked Hotch

"Detective Kinsley" Hotch replied, shaking hands briefly.

"Ed, and I'm sorry-"

"Its…don't worry" Hotch said, brushing it off. But Morgan couldn't just brush it off, the paramedic thought she would have brain damage…

"I'm sure he was exaggerating, the medics said nothing like that to me." Ed said reassuringly, but his words did little to ease his worry.

"What did they say exactly?" Hotch asked, getting down to business. Morgan knew he needed to work, to help, to do _something_… it was the only thing he could do for JJ and Emily.

"When they arrived on scene Jennifer-"

"JJ" Hotch corrected

"What?" Ed asked confused

"She likes to be called JJ" he clarified.

"…JJ was barely conscious, the only thing she could say about the person that attacked her was a name, Walt, does that mean anything to you?" Ed asked hopefully.

"No" Hotch replied "Morgan?"

"Never mentioned anyone named Walt" he answered unhelpfully.

"Was worth a try" Ed said slightly disappointed.

"Did the neighbours hear anything?"Hotch asked

"I'm just going to talk to the woman who called it in now" he said, leading them out of the apartment and next across the hall.

"Miss Prescott, I'm detective Kinsley, this is Agent Hotchner and Agent Morgan with the FBI, can we ask you a few questions?" Ed asked kindly and the woman opened her door wider to let them in.

"Miss Prescott-"

"Call me Emma"

"Emma, can you tell us what happened?" Ed asked gently, sitting in the chair opposite her at the table.

"I heard a door slam, at about 10 or so, it sounded like JJ's apartment but I wasn't sure. A few minutes later the shouting started, I'd never heard anything like it here, especially not from her, she's such a good neighbor, really friendly…" she stopped suddenly and looked at Morgan and Hotch "you work with her don't you"

"Yes, did you know her very well?" Hotch asked

"We were friends, are friends, but not like, close or anything… but we have coffee or lunch when she's in town…"

"So you said it was uncommon for there to be shouting from her apartment" Ed interrupted gently, getting her back on track.

"Sorry, yeah, really uncommon. I couldn't really understand what they were saying, I thought I heard gun, but she has one for work so I just…I don't really know what, I just didn't think…"

"When did you call the police?"

"The shouting was getting more heated, he just kept saying shut up, the guy sounded strung out or something, he was crazy… then I heard the gun shot" she paused, fiddling with her hands, "it took me a few seconds to realize what it was, but I called the police straight away."

"Is there anything else you can remember?" Ed asked gently, both Hoch and Morgan shocked into silence.

"there was a bit more shouting after… she said something about him taking everything from her and he replied 'all I did was love you' I remember that bit perfectly, he sounded so… pathetic" she finished

"Detective Kinsley" a uniform called from the doorway "there's something you need to hear"

"Thank you for your help, if you remember anything else, give me a call" he said handing her his card before leading the agents out of the room to talk to the uniform.

"There's a woman I think you should talk to" the uniform stated when they were in the hall.

"What's her connection?" Ed asked curiously.

"I think she saw the attacker…"

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I promise I will update quicker this time. If I don't you can bash me… or something. Lol

Not sure whose pov yet, so let me know, do you want a hospital chapter or an 'on scene' chapter?


	20. Awake

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything I'll let you know…

Spoilers: none.

AN/ Last chapter had quite a few mistakes in it, because I posted it without waiting to go over it after a day or so like I usually do, and I hope to fix them when I get some free time, but at the moment its difficult to find time to write so I figured you would prefer a new chapter than fixing of an old one…

Sorry it took so long to update again, schools hectic this year so I don't have much of an opportunity to write, but I'm trying really hard to make time, so done give up on me yet.

HUGE thankyous to:  
**Ros-myers-01**, **Carla-Leigh**, **DementedLeaf **(lol, thanks for picking that up, I rushed into posting that chapter), **need-courage-to-write,** **Ghostwriter**, **koko817**, **ReidsLuvr93** (you seriously made my day, no week, when you told me the strike was over), **bumblebee917**, **SLITH** and **dakotawind**.

**Chapter 20  
****Awake**

_The existence of forgetting has never been proved: we only know that some things don't come to mind when we want them to.  
_Nietzsche

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_"I think she saw the attacker…"_

The words echoed inside his head, could they be that lucky?

"Who is it?" Ed asked almost immediately

"Her names –Amanda Jenkins- she lives down the hall in 1F." The uniform replied

Hotch took off immediately, glancing back to see Moran a mere step behind him and almost smiling to himself at the sudden improvement in his agents demeanor.

"Amanda Jenkins?" he asked the woman leaning on the doorway to 1F.

"Yes" she replied quietly

"I'm Agent Hotchner with the FBI; this is Agent Morgan and Detective Kinsley"

"Oh, come in, I'm so sorry for what happened, I should have known something was off with the guy…"

"What do you mean?" He asked.

"Walt, the man who attacked JJ and her friend… he helped me with my groceries earlier tonight." She trailed off meekly.

"He helped you with your groceries?" Ed asked confused.

"Yeah, I was struggling with my bags of groceries and he just appeared out of nowhere offering to help. It's not every day someone offers to help you with your groceries anymore, not in the city, so I said yes; he seemed like an ok guy…"

"Then what happened?" Hotch asked

"He brought them inside and we started making small talk, I asked him if he lived here and he said he was visiting a friend, JJ… oh god this is all my fault" she said dropping to the sofa and resting her head in her hands.

"It's not your fault, you couldn't have known" Hotch stated firmly

"But it is, he said he lost her apartment number… and I gave it to him, if I hadn't-"

"-YOU GAVE IT TO HIM! How could you be so stupid, you're right, this is your fault, if you hadn't given it to him-"

"-he would have found another way" Hotch interrupted Morgan, physically pulling him away from Amanda, who looked shell-shocked from his outburst.

"But Hotch-"

"Morgan, this guy obviously targeted JJ, he would have found another way, it's not her fault" he reasoned, calming Morgan slightly before being interrupted by his cell phone.

"Excuse us" he said practically dragging Morgan out of the room while answering his cell

'Garcia, what is it?'

'Emily just woke up'

'We'll be right there' he said hanging up and turning to Morgan.

"Emily woke up"

"Do you want me to drive?" Morgan asked in response, earning a look that clearly said he wasn't getting anywhere near the wheel of a car until he calmed down a bit.

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They had made it to the hospital in record time, rushing down the hall to Emily's room about 10 minutes after they received the call. As they hurried to see their friend Hotch's enthusiasm diminished, they needed a statement; she had to tell them everything that had happened and he didn't know if he wanted to hear it or not…

"How is she?" Hotch asked entering Emily's room quickly

"I'm alright, how are you?" Emily joked, looking around her empty room humorously.

"Where's Reid and Garcia?" he asked confused.

"They've gone to check on JJ" she replied earning a look of disapproval from Hotch "I told them to go, I don't want her to be lonely, I would have gone myself but…"

"you're not going anywhere at the moment" he finished for her.

"Pretty much" she replied

"You're in a pretty good mood for someone who just woke up after major surgery" Morgan said from the doorway

"I'm going to be fine, JJ is going to be fine, and the drugs aren't hurting either" she replied happily and Hotch suspected Garcia and Reid hadn't told her the truth about JJ's injuries, although it was probably for the best at the moment.

"We need you to tell us what happened" Hotch said after a moments silence, immediately sucking all the life from the room.

"I know… but I wasn't- awake- most of the time, you're better off talking to JJ" she said, trying to distract him.

"We'll talk to her too, but you know we need to talk to everyone… unless you're not up to it right now-" Hotch knew she wouldn't be able to stall if he questioned her strength, it was a cheap shot, but it was necessary to get her to talk.

"I guess I should stop trying to avoid the inevitable then shouldn't I" she stated calmly

"Morgan said you thought you were being watched, is that related to your attack?"

"I… I was being watched?" she stated confused

"Yesterday morning, you had just got coffee…" Morgan clarified but Emily still looked confused. Hotch noticed Reid and Garcia standing quietly in the doorway but decided not to acknowledge their presence.

"Emily, are you ok?" He asked concerned

"I…"

"Do you remember feeling someone watching you?" Morgan asked worriedly

"…no"

"You don't remember? You were panicking, how can you not remember?"

"I… I don't remember… I don't remember any of it" she said, beginning to panic.

"Do you remember who attacked you?" Hotch asked gently, trying to calm her.

"No, I don't remember being… last thing I remember was going to bed, two days ago." She replied, harshly wiping a few tears away.

"You don't remember anything about last night?" he asked again, hoping it wasn't true.

"But its ok, JJ can tell you what happened…"

Silence suddenly surrounded the room as the team looked helplessly between each other, not knowing what to say.

"That's not exactly true…" Hotch started uncomfortably.

"What do you mean 'not exactly true', she's ok right?"

"She's out of surgery…" he replied stalling

"She hasn't woken up yet" Garcia explained helplessly

"What?" Emily gasped

"She's going to be fine, there's no way she would leave us" Garcia blabbed, beginning to cry, causing Emily to choke up as well.

"Why don't you all go see JJ again" Hotch stated, obviously wanting to be alone with Emily.

They all reluctantly agreed, giving them a little privacy and allowing Emily to express her emotions more freely.

"It's going to be ok" Hotch stated when they were gone

"You don't know that, she might never wake up… and I might never remember" she replied, getting hysterical

"Emily! You need to calm down; you're not doing yourself any good getting so worked up. I'm sure everything's going to be ok."

"You're sure? You can't be sure Hotch, you're not a doctor, you don't know anything about JJ's condition, and I don't remember anything so there's nothing I can do to help her"

"Emil … you were shot for god's sake, I'm sure you both did everything you could to help each other."

"There you go again being sure" Emily almost joked

"I am sure. I know you, and I know JJ, you both would have done everything possible to help each other, I'm sure of it." she smiled slightly at him before he continued "now you need to calm down and get some rest."

"I need to remember" Emily corrected.

"And to do that you need rest" Hotch replied, "I'm going to see how JJ's doing, but I'll send Morgan back to sit with you"

"No, I'll be fine, just find who did this" she said before closing her eyes.

He gave her one last concerned glance before exiting her room in search of JJ's. They needed to catch the bastard who did this to them, and soon.

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Like I said before, I'm gonna try and update quicker, but I can only write when I have time…

I know it's moving pretty slowly so I'm trying to speed it up a bit, especially with my slower updates now…

**Next chapter: The team investigate further, and more on Emily and JJ's condition.**


	21. Searching

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything I'll let you know…

Spoilers: none.

AN/ this was written at a particularly boring wedding I attended this weekend, and I 'forgot' to do my homework so I could type it up for you all… so I hope you enjoy.

Big thanks to everyone for their encouraging reviews to a very poor chapter; I intend to fix that one at a later date also.

**Dakotawind**, **Ghostwriter**, **ReidsLuvr93**(you managed to do it again, episodes in April, WHOO!!), **didi2909**(I'm sorry to disappoint, you will find out in a chapter or two, I promise), **Smokeylove**, **SLITH**(It most certainly can, I was going to give JJ the memory loss but changed my mind), **Ros-myers-01**(lol, it was briefly mentioned in explanation in the first chapter but yeah, HG is an awesome show), **vth101**, **DementedLeaf**(it seems in getting worse, but hopefully it's just stress and lack of time. Lol, totally get the overtired thing), **Leanne17**(aww you're so sweet, just boosted my ego, lol, thanks).

**Chapter 21  
****Searching**

_All truth is simple... is that not doubly a __lie  
_Nietzsche

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They were all crowded around her motionless body looking for a sign that she was going to be ok when Hotch strode purposefully into the room, looking briefly at JJ before turning his gaze on the rest of the team and giving out orders.

"Morgan and Reid, I want you two to stay here and keep an eye on Emily and JJ, let me know if either of their conditions change and try to help Emily remember. Garcia and I are going back to the office to continue looking for their attacker, I'll relay information as I get it, and hopefully we can find something to trigger Emily's memory."

He motioned for Garcia to precede him out, but she noticed he looked back at JJ, her small frame looking even smaller on the huge bed she was currently occupying. She knew he felt just as terrible as they did, although he refused to show it.

"I want you to look into both of their pasts for anyone named Walt" He explained on their way out.

"We don't know who he was targeting? How do we even know they knew him, it could have been random…" Garcia started to argue.

"Emily was being watched yesterday, which probably means she was targeted, however he went to JJ's apartment building and told a neighbor he was visiting her, so she could have been the target. Either way, in the last moments before she passed out, JJ thought the most important thing she could tell the paramedics was the name Walt." He explained

"So she knew her attacker?"

"Yes, we just don't know if she was the target"

"But we could assume-"

"Assuming without cause dismisses all other possibilities before they are determined irrelevant" Hotch interrupted rudely, his façade of control cracking momentarily before he calmly clarified, "If we make the wrong assumption we could miss him."

"So we investigate every possibility" she clarified, causing him to nod. "Do we know anything else?" Garcia asked warily.

"We have a general description, man in his fifties, average height, average build…"

"So all we have is he is most likely in his fifties" she concluded and again he nodded.

Deciding he wasn't going to explain any further Garcia relaxed into her seat and waited for them to arrive back at the office, thinking about the searches she was going to run when she returned. She had already started on JJ's background and so far hadn't come across anyone named Walt, but she had stopped searching after finding out about her parents' deaths, something which she now had to question the truth of. JJ had apparently visited her mother in Pittsburgh, that alone raised questions, and she didn't for one second believe Emily's story about visiting some woman named Susan who was apparently JJ's ex-fiancés mother, it was just too bizarre. She was also curious about JJ's lack of records before college, sure kids generated less paperwork, but they still had school records, medical records etc, none of which Garcia had been able to locate before reading JJ's fake sob story.

But she couldn't rule out Emily either, the woman had more secrets than the CIA. Her parents must have made some enemies over the years, but it was unlikely they would go after their grown daughter who was an FBI agent; it was too risky… it could have been someone settling an old score, but why did they go to JJ's apartment? They could have followed her there, but how did the guy know JJ's name, if he was after Emily?

There were just too many questions and not nearly enough answers, Garcia knew she had a lot of work ahead of her. She had to start a background check on Emily and do a more extensive one on JJ, looking for anyone named Walt, or connected to anyone named Walt…

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She had been sitting at her computer for over an hour, looking for this jerk Walt, and she still hadn't found anything useful. There had been two Walt's on Emily's side of the investigation, a chef and a gardener at her house when she was a child. The chef, Walter Deveraux, had been clean and Hotch didn't bother talking to him, most probably because he now lived in France. Walter Keen, the gardener, had been fired by Emily's parents after she allegedly caught him doing drugs in their shed, there was motive, but the guy was being held for questioning by the NYPD at the time of the attack so there was no way he could have done it. They were back at square one. Further digging into Emily's past revealed nothing else of importance and no one else named Walt. That meant he had to be connected to JJ.

Garcia had searched in vain for anything new on JJ, receiving the same newspaper articles on college achievements and FBI cases and finding the same, most likely incorrect, FBI file. It was strange that her file was wrong; some parts were missing or inadequately explained, which was not plausible for a federal agents file, where had the rest of it gone? As she further explored JJ's past Garcia just seemed to find more mysteries. There were no death certificates for her parents and there was no information on this aunt she had supposedly lived with after their deaths. Even the basic information didn't hold true, it was looking more and more like the file was made up, but what was so serious it needed to be hidden?

"Found anything new?" Hotch asked from the doorway

"Just more questions, how are my girls?" she asked, still searching for information.

"No change in either of them."

"Do you think they're going to be ok?" Garcia asked uncertainly

"I'm sure of it, now what have you found?"

"Confusion" she replied cryptically

"About what?" Hotch asked

"JJ's past"

"What about it?"

"Her bureau file is wrong" she stated while busily typing.

"How so?" Hotch asked, drawing her attention momentarily away from her computers.

"Some parts aren't filled in properly, others are just missing completely… it looks like it was put together by a three year old"

"Anything else?"

"Her file says her parents are deceased… but there aren't any death certificates" she explained

"Maybe the morgue was backlogged" Hotch reasoned.

"Hotch, they died in 1992"

"Ok, look into it and get back to me" he said closing her door and walking away.

The second he left her screen flashed red '_0 results found_' "Oh my god!" she murmured.

"HOTCH!" she called hurriedly and he appeared at her door within seconds

"What is it?" he asked looking worried

"I can t find any records on JJ before 2001" she stated uneasily

"What do you mean?" he questioned.

"I can't find anything, school records, medical records, employment records, learners permit, driver's license, rap sheet… nothing"

"Dig further" he commanded

"I have"

"What are you saying?"

"…Up until seven years ago, Jennifer Jareau didn't exist"


	22. Still Searching

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything I'll let you know…

Spoilers: none.

AN/ ok, so my H key is broken, so it took like twice as long to type this up, and a lot of annoyance on my part…  
Sorry it took so long to update this time; it's nearly the holidays so homework is going overtime.

**I know it's been a long time coming, but here we go, personalized review replies- enjoy.  
****ReidsLuvr93**- It really does take from the story, I tried writing a chapter on it but it made it so much less effective.  
**Irismoon**- I'm thinking about bringing them in... but I'm not sure how to, I've been writing a sequel of sorts, but I'm not sure if I'm going to use post it as a sequel or scrap it... we'll see how i go. lol  
**DementedLeaf**- haha, oh i totally know you're not picking on me. I just really don't like the last few chaps... they haven't been as planned out as the rest of the story, I've hit one of those dull patches. I have a lot of trouble concentrating, my English teacher is always commenting on it, like the first half of my essay is good and the rest crap.  
**Dakotawind**- lol, they will find out soon, and you're about the only one who has said they don't want it to happen too soon... but I'm trying not to rush it. Burning at the stake is a good idea for punishment- too bad there's so many religious connotations, lol  
**Ghostwriter**- yeah I was saying that before, I'm trying to find a way to work them in, I'm just not sure how. Any ideas?  
**Smokeylove**- Hehe, that it is, and we will find out very soon, it's almost at that peak level, when you find out what you wanted to know... then you're like, oh right, well that was good, can't be bothered with the rest now. Lol. It always happens to me with movies.  
**Carla-Leigh**- we will find out soon. I know I'm dragging it out I just can't find a place to put it in, lol.  
**ACK1988**- she will soon, I'm dragging it out longer than i intended but it's hard to just slot it in somewhere... I will explain better soon.  
**SLITH**- lol, if only it was a movie, then I could have sound effects. Thinking about that, books have to be written heaps better than movies and stuff... since the readers only 'read' it, whereas in movies they have picture, sound etc. never thought of that before, so thanks... even though it's totally unrelated to your point.  
**JJ-Reid-01**- in time all will be discovered... secrets can't stay hidden forever. Lol, how cryptic of me.  
**Lishbug**- lol, only time will tell.  
**LtMsYsF**- aww, that's so nice, your review made me smile.  
**Laura242**- thanks.

**Chapter 22  
****Still Searching**

_That which needs to be proved cannot be worth much  
_Nietzsche

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_"…Up until seven years ago, Jennifer Jareau didn't exist"_

The room was buzzing from silence as both agent and analyst silently stared at each other, digesting the information that had just been shared... JJ wasn't really JJ. But if that was true, who was she?

"Seven years ago, Jennifer Jareau didn't exist..." Hotch repeated.

"That's what I said" Garcia replied anxiously

"Then who is she?"

"I... I don't know, not yet anyway"

"Find out" he insisted

"That's the problem... I don't even know where to start" Garcia said quietly, obviously uncomfortable with her lack of answers.

"Ok... I'll look into it" Hotch said leaving her office, his mind running a mile a minute.

He would look into alright; first step was talk to Erin Strauss. As much as he disliked the woman personally, it was his first logical step up the chain, and he suspected it was a very long chain, there was no other reason that explained why Garcia wasn't able to find even a small trace. He briefly knocked on her door and entered before invited, seeing Erin on the phone he sat in the chair opposite her and waited for her to finish her call. After a quick, 'I'll call you back' she hung up and turned to him, obviously annoyed by his presence.

"What can I do for you _Agent_ Hotchner?" she asked, stressing the 'agent' part.

"I need a favour, Section Chief Strauss" he replied formally, refusing to be drawn into her trap.

"A favour?" she stated amusedly.

"Yes ma'am"

"What kind of favour?"

"What does that mean?" Hotch asked, sensing something in her tone

"It meant exactly what it sounded like it meant"

"I need an official favour ma'am" he replied, stalling further, dreading having to ask for her help with his team after everything she had done to sabotage them.

"Agent Hotchner I don't have time for this" she stated becoming irritated.

"It's a sensitive matter"

"Is it related to the attacks on Agent's Jareau and Prentiss?"

"In a way..."

"I have a meeting in five minutes..."

"After the attack, Penelope Garcia and I returned to search for their attacker, a man named Walt" Hotch grudgingly began.

"Ok"

"Garcia looked through both their histories; Prentiss had no one of interest, JJ however..."

"What?" Strauss asked, frustrated but intrigued.

"JJ didn't have any history... well not a full one"

"I don't understand what you're saying Agent Hotchner."

"JJ's records didn't begin until seven years ago."

"I still don't-"

"Up until seven years ago Agent Jareau didn't exist"

"Are you sure?" Strauss asked after a moment's hesitation.

"Garcia looked everywhere, if there were records she would have found them..."

"How do you even know her history is related to the attack?"

"JJ has been acting strange lately, she has no personal history, and Emily was the only person who had gotten anything out of her about what was going on... and she is currently suffering from some kind of memory loss."

"It still doesn't explain-"

"The only thing JJ wanted us to know before she passed out was his name, Walt... If he didn't have a connection to her it wouldn't have been important."

"It makes sense... alright, I'll look into it"

"Thankyou"

"I'll let you know what I find out" she said dismissively and Hotch took the hint and promptly left, overhearing her cancelling her meeting on his way out.

He hoped she could find some answers, she was his only hope... well, not his only hope, but the only one he wanted to be indebted to. Pulling out his cell phone he called Morgan, wanting an update on Emily and JJ's conditions.

'Hey Hotch, find anything yet?' Morgan asked, picking up before the first ring had finished.

'No, nothing, but Garcia's still looking'

'Oh, ok.' Morgan replied, slightly disappointed

'How are they?'

'Emily hasn't remembered much, nothing of importance anyway.'

'What about JJ?' Hotch asked worriedly.

'No change. The doctor gave us some line about it not being uncommon, but he is getting worried about her...'

'I'll check up again later' Hotch said about to hang up but stopped upon hearing Morgan's question.

'Hotch, you sure there's nothing we need to know?'

'Yes, I'll talk to you later' he said, hanging up before Morgan had the chance to reply. He knew Morgan was suspicious, but he didn't want to worry them, not yet, and it wasn't the sort of news to deliver over the phone...

Questions kept popping into his head and he didn't have answers for any of them... Who was Walt? Why did she change her identity? Why was there no trail... but the one that stood out was the one he most wanted answered... Who was she?

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**I know its short, and kinda pointless… but ill update again in a day or two, and ****its**** slowly building it up.**

Feedback is always appreciated, and I'm open to ideas on what you would like to see... a few people have asked for some higher ground characters, and I am definitely gonna try and work them in.


	23. We call him Marshal

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything I'll let you know…

Spoilers: none.

AN/ I really don't think you understand how difficult it is to type without a H key… especially when the chapter focuses on Hotch… lol  
A quick update (although it was delayed a bit by the stupid site updates), you can thank a cold and virus for my quick chapter writing… I've been home sick all week. Although I have had time to write and catch up on TV shows I've been too swamped to watch lately… I like to look at the up-side of the situation. Hehe

**ReidsLuvr93**- haha, I'm glad she came across the way I was intending... she's such a B to the itch, and I would love to have Morgan rip him apart... maybe he will, lol, I haven't fully decided that yet.  
**Ghostwriter**- hmm, that's not a bad idea, but I'm not sure if I want all of them to show up, it would be mayhem... then again. Lol  
**Carla-Leigh**- a bit more info this chapter, lol, thanks for reviewing.  
**Smokeylove**- at this point she doesn't remember, next chap will shed some more light on that.  
**JJ-Reid-01**- I'm sure they will be... well maybe not all of them, she did lie to them for years. We'll see how it goes.  
**Dakotawind**- long reviews, I absolutely love them so thank you. I'm glad you don't think its too slow, but i like to pace it and explain it more... suspense and all. Lol. Yes I made a decision about the HG characters, I explained below.  
**Enchanting Phoenix**- aww, you're so nice... made me smile and blush, lol. your review was so motivating. I'm glad you like it (well love it –blush-), and yes, below I explained my decision on the HG characters... thanks for the awesomely long review, I love them. Hehe

**IMPORTANT AN:  
****I have had many requests about bringing back HG characters, so how could I refuse. Scott and Daisy will definitely make substantial appearances, soon, as well as her sister Jess… I'm not sure about the rest of them, possibly Peter and Sophie, but that's probably all. Also, some have asked for JJ/Shelby and Scott to reconcile, as of yet I haven't decided on that, I'****m going to**** wait and see how it flows when the HG kids come back. ****Anyway, I bought a HG fan made box set ****thing ****last week so I can't wait to watch the eps again… mine are terrible copies downloaded off the net. So after that I'll be in HG ****writing ****mood. AWESOME!!**

**  
Chapter 23  
****We call him Marshal**

_Horrible experiences lead us to wonder whether the person who experiences them might not be something horrible  
_Nietzsche

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It had been two days of constantly checking his phone, waiting for her to call, needing answers, needing assurances, needing hope. The name she provided was going to be the basis of their investigation, Walt was going to be found through that name, and justice from finding him... basically his entire case rested on his bureaucratic nightmare of a boss who had no field experience what so ever. JJ and Emily's peace of mind, as well as the teams relied on her. Everything relied on Erin Strauss being able to use her many contacts to find out who JJ was before she was JJ. He never thought a situation would arise that required him to seek her assistance, nor did he think anything that was currently happening would ever happen to anyone in his team, especially not JJ. She was innocent, she had no secrets, she taught them all how to be unbroken, how could she have a secret like this?

He suddenly realised his cell phone was ringing and quickly picked up before the caller hung up.

'Hotchner'

'Agent Hotchner, its Erin Strauss... what took you so long to pick up?'

'I was driving' he lied

'I've never known an Agent to refrain from answering their phone just because they were driving' she replied sarcastically

'You do now' he countered

'I need to see you, as soon as possible' she said, getting to the point

'I'll be there in ten' he replied hanging up

She either had really good news or really bad news. Reason told him it was probably bad news, but hope wanted him to believe it was good... They could all do with some good news.

Approximately 8 minutes later Hotch was standing in Erin's office, awaiting an explanation.

"That was fast" she commented

"What did you find out?"

"Take a seat"

"I'd rather stand, if you don't mind" he stated firmly, leaving no room for disagreement

"Suit yourself"

"Ma'am-"

"I made a few calls, but I just kept getting referrals to other agents who 'might know something'"

"Did they know anything?" He asked anxiously

"I did find someone, Agent Ted Wilson, works violent crimes now..."

"What do you mean 'now'?"

"A couple of years ago he transferred in from another agency" she explained cryptically.

"What agency?" he demanded

"You don't have clearance"

"Damn it Erin. What agency?"

"I'm sorry Aaron..."

"You don't know! That's it, isn't it?"

"That's enough, Agent Hotchner"

"Its' true, you really have no idea"

"I don't have clearance either, whatever it is its big"

Hotch just nodded and left her office quickly, heading straight to Garcia to find out about this Agent Wilson.

"Garcia, I need you to run a name for me"

"Shoot" she replied, springing into action

"Agent Ted Wilson" he said and watched as hundreds of Ted Wilsons' flashed on the screen, none of them the agent he was looking for.

"Got it, SSA Ted Wilson, born-"

"Pull up his service records"

After a few clicks she stopped "they're sealed, I don't have clearance"

"Unseal them" he insisted.

"Alright, what are we looking for?" she asked

"Agency he worked for before us"

"Hold on, just a sec, got it!" she exclaimed happily "and the winner is..."

"What?" Hotch asked when she stopped

"...United States Marshal Service" she replied quizzically "why, what does he have to do with the case?"

"Not sure yet" he said leaving her office

"No problem" she answered herself.

He was a Marshal... what did that mean? She wasn't a fugitive, she couldn't be, and anyway, the bureau wouldn't accept her if she was. But maybe she knew a fugitive, helped them catch one... maybe this Walt character was one... there were too many possibilities. He needed to talk to Ted Wilson himself...

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He had called Garcia and asked for Wilson's contact details, she had given him Wilson's home address, with no explanation. Upon pulling up outside the house he understood why, Wilson had children, three that he could see anyway. He felt bad interrupting their time together, understanding how precious and rare such times were as an FBI agent, especially when it was a unit like the BAU, or Violent Crimes for that matter, but he was here about his team, his family.

"Ted Wilson?" He asked walking up the driveway towards the father and children playing. He noticed Ted's wife quickly round up their children and usher them inside, giving both him and her husband apprehensive glances as she walked towards them.

"Who's asking?" he asked gruffly

"SSA Hotchner, BAU" he replied

"What can I do for the BAU, on this lovely Saturday afternoon, in my front yard?" he asked annoyed and slightly frustrated.

"I'm sorry to interrupt your weekend with your family-"

"And yet you're here..." Wilson said in a slightly accusatory manner.

"Two of my agents were attacked a couple of days ago..."

"The two agents on the television?" his wife asked sadly

"Yes" he answered, looking away

"I'm sorry, how are they?"

"Emily has some memory loss, but the doctors think it's just short term... JJ still hasn't woken up"

"Emily and JJ, you're close to them?" Wilson asked in a knowing tone, picking up on his use of their first names.

"Yes, we're... well you know"

"I do-"

"Why don't you come inside... I'll fix you a cup of coffee or something" Mrs Wilson interrupted, leading them inside.

"So what can I do for you, Agent Hotchner?" Wilson asked when they were seated inside.

"When my agents were... JJ was conscious when the medics arrived on scene, for a short time... long enough to tell them the name of their attacker"

"I don't understand what that has to do with me"

"We now suspect the guy is someone from her past... only when we started looking, there was nothing there"

"What-"

"Until seven years ago she didn't exist, she was someone else..." Hotch said exasperated, he was sick of having to explain this to everyone, although he knew it was unreasonable to expect them all to understand what he meant.

"Oh..." Wilson replied, suspecting he knew about his previous employment

"I was told you might be able to shed some light on the situation"

"You know I used to be a Marshal, don't you?"

"Yes, Garcia, our analyst, is the best... that's why I was suspicious when she couldn't find any trail"

"What's her name?"

"Jennifer Jareau"

"What do you want to know about her?"

"What she was in witness protection for... and who she was, before"

"I haven't said she was in protection"

"Look, I know she was in protection, I just need to know why"

"I'm going to have to look over my old cases and get back to you" Wilson lied

"Don't waste my time, I know you remember her."

"Bloody profilers" Wilson cursed

"There's no point lying, I will find out."

"Alright, I remember her, lovely girl" he reluctantly began

"What happened?"

"It's classified; the only thing I can tell you is she was a state witness"

"Seven years is a long time to be in protection, the case must have been bad"

"Well that's the thing... she's not in protection anymore"

"Then why are her records still untraceable?"

"Poor thing, Witness Protection was one of the best things to ever happen to her..." Wilson explained sympathetically

"How so?" Hotch asked, curious and slightly worried, what was so bad about her past?

"She had a terrible childhood... after she testified she begged us to let her stay in protection, even though we thought it was safe for her to return to her old life. She begged us to let her keep her new identity, we explained to her that she wouldn't be in protection anymore, but she said she just wanted to start a new life... leave her past behind her, you know" he explained.

Hotch nodded before asking "what was her old name?"

"I don't actually remember... I didn't know her by it, when I met her she was already Jennifer. I can have a look over my old notes, but I can't promise anything, we weren't meant to take that stuff home, for security reasons..."

"I understand, but I'd appreciate it if you could look"

"Sure" Wilson said, getting up to go look through his notes. Hotch was going to follow him, but the ringing of his cell phone interrupted him.

'Hotchner' he answered

'Hotch, its Morgan'

'What is it?'

'JJ woke up-'

'I'll be right there' he said hanging up hurriedly, not even hearing Morgan's 'but Hotch...' at the end.

"Mrs Wilson, could you tell your husband I had an emergency, but I'll call him about that information" He said as she walked him out

"No Problem Agent Hotchner"

"Thankyou" he replied, heading towards his car.

JJ was awake, thank god. He was relieved for two reasons, firstly because they knew she was ok now, but also because she could tell them about Walt... and her mystery past.

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Finally, some information on JJ, yall are thinking...  
I have no idea if she would actually be allowed to keep her WP name after protection, but just go with it, lol.  
Next chap will hopefully be up in a few days again.


	24. Remembering

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything I'll let you know…  
Spoilers: none.

AN/ sorry it took so long to update, I know it was more than a few days… I was planning to update over the Easter long weekend, but then work decided to roster me every day, I finally have a day off and some free time- while babysitting my brother, oh joy.

Lol, thanks to everyone who reviewed, I love you guys and REALLY appreciate your feedback.

**Chapter 24  
****Remembering**

_A moment lasts all of a second, but the memory lives on forever.  
_Unknown

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They were sitting by JJ's bed when Hotch barged into the room demanding to know how she was. The remaining team shared nervous glances as they silently argued over who was going to break the news to him. After a long silence Emily spoke, quietly explaining what had happened, and why JJ wasn't, in fact, awake, as Morgan had said over the phone.

"She was awake…" Emily started quietly

"What happened?" Hotch demanded

"She… she was…" Emily stuttered and Morgan interrupted,

"They had to sedate her"

"Why?" he asked anxiously

"Hotch, she was hysterical… screaming out and thrashing about. She just had major surgery; she was going to do some serious damage… so they sedated her."

"She's been unconscious for days"

"They didn't have a choice, we tried to calm her down but she wouldn't… it was like she couldn't hear us, or see us-"

"Like she was somewhere else…" Emily added, cutting Morgan off.

"Did you get anything before they sedated her?" Hotch asked

"No, it was impossible to talk to her"

"Ok" he said and walked out of the room, followed quickly by Morgan and Reid.

Emily stayed by JJ's side, thinking about what had happened less than an hour ago… when JJ woke up.

_Emily was glad she had finally been left alone with her thoughts. The team had been checking up on constantly and it was driving her crazy, it was a relief when they decided to get some rest themselves. She hadn't been able to remember anything, nothing useful anyway... it was just stupid flashed of things that may or may not have happened. She didn't even know if it was her imagination or her memory. Maybe it was all just her imagination. What if it didn't really happen, what if her mind was just trying to fill the gaps? It was starting to come back to her... but was it?_

_Deciding a change in scenery couldn't hurt, she discretely left her room and wandered down the hall, peering into room after room looking for JJ. She was the only one with answers. She could help her remember... even if she was unconscious. _

_She finally found her friends room and noticed Reid asleep in the chair beside her bed, his head resting beside her hand which was clutched in his tightly. It was a cute picture, definitely a Kodak moment, but she had more important things to do. She had to remember where she had seen their attacker before. It had suddenly become clearer to her, the flash she saw of him, she had seen him before... somewhere. _

"_JJ, I need your help" she whispered, taking hold of JJ's free hand. She waited silently, half expecting a reply but suddenly remembering she was unconscious. "That's not likely at the moment is it?" she waited another moment before continuing. "You see, I saw the guy who shot me, the guy who... who did things to you. You don't think I know, but I do, I saw what he did to you... he is going to pay, I promise. We just have to figure out who he is-"_

_She stopped suddenly; did she just feel JJ squeeze her hand?_

_She was about to continue talking, thinking she had just imagined it, but JJ eyes fluttered open and she moaned, then suddenly tensed up._

"_Emily?" she screamed, causing Reid to wake and Morgan to appear at her side._

"_It's ok, I'm here" Emily tried to reason, but JJ was getting worked up_

"_Emily… NO… please, Walt! NO!" _

"_JJ…JJ its Emily, Walt's not here, you're safe-"_

"_SCOTT! Help me; don't leave me…"_

"_JJ!" Reid said softly, calmingly, as the doctor and nurses rushed into the room._

"_Scott, Peter, don't send me back... Help me!" she cried, thrashing about._

"_You need to get her to calm down" The doctor said urgently as he and the nurses held her down, which only seemed to frighten her more._

"_JJ, look at me-"Emily tried as a different nurse appeared with a needle and looked to the doctor for direction. "Do it" he stated when she didn't have any effect on JJ._

"_Jess! Look at him, and remember… remember everything" she trailed off as the sedative took effect…_

_Flash._ There was a man with a gun, waving it around yelling. _Flash._ She was looking down at her own bullet wound, blood was seeping everywhere but she didn't feel anything. _Flash. _JJ was pressed against the wall by the man with the gun...

"Emily!" Hotch called from the doorway and she turned to him "you need to get some rest, there's nothing you can do for JJ right now. Go get some sleep; we'll wake you if anything happens…" he added before disappearing again.

'_Remember everything'_

She did remember. Emily remembered… going to Pittsburgh, visiting JJ's mother, and Shelby… she remembered being attacked… and being shot… and Walt.

Emily knew that in her own traumatized way, JJ had given her everything she needed to know…

She walked as quickly as possible back to her room, which in her condition was quite slowly, and changed out of her gown and into some scrubs she found lying around... technically they were in the staff room, but such trivialities were no longer important. As soon as she was changed she grabbed her badge from the table next to her bed and left, not receiving a second look in her hospital scrubs.

"FBI office in Quantico" she quickly told the cab driver she had managed to hail outside the hospital.

"Sure thing" he replied pulling away from the curb. "Do something wrong?"

"What?"

"Going to the FBI office, did you do something wrong?"

She couldn't tell if he was joking or serious "I'm an FBI agent"

He chuckled "everyone's an FBI agent these days."

She practically threw her badge at him "I really am an FBI agent, and I would appreciate a little less talking and a little more driving, I've got something important to take care of"

"Like what? Secret agent business?" he teased

"I'm really not in the mood; a very good friend of mine was attacked earlier."

"I'm sorry... hey it's not related to the attack that all over the news is it?"

"I don't know, what's all over the news?"

"Two FBI agents were attacked in an apartment, both received serious injuries..."

"Nope, got nothing to do with it" she lied, curling over slightly with the sudden pain radiating from her stomach. She had a feeling the pain meds were starting to wear off... she really should have waited around for another dose...

"We're here, that'll be-"

"-thanks, you're government appreciates your help" she said quickly as she exited the cab

"Hey wait a minute" he called after her, but she was already on her way into the building.

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"Where could she have gone? Disappeared from a hospital, in her condition, incompetent-" Garcia was mumbling to herself as Emily quietly opened the door to her office.

"Who disappeared from a hospital?"

"Emily! Where have you been? We've been worried sick thinking you'd been taken..." Garcia rambled while throwing her arms around her.

"Ouch! I'm still a little sore..."

"Course, sit, sit"

"Thanks" she said gratefully when she was seated, the pain subsiding just a little.

"Where have you been?" Garcia demanded the second colour began returning to her face.

"On my way here, I need you to look something up for me..."

"And you couldn't have just called me?" she asked, slightly amused.

"This isn't something you ask over the phone" Emily explained.

"Ok, what is it"

"Alice Blaine"

"What about her?" Garcia asked

"Pull up her information"

"What am I looking for exactly?" she asked, not understanding why Emily needed to ask it in person.

"...children"

"What" she asked confused.

"I need you to find information on her children" Emily clarified.

"Just a sec" Garcia answered typing away, "Ok, got it" she said as Alice's information appeared on the screen, including the names of her children, "She has two daughters"

"Shelby and Jess" Emily said, half stating half questioning.

"How'd you know?"

"Shelby" Emily demanded, nodding at the screen.

"Oh my god..." Garcia exclaimed as her phone rang, the number being recognised at Hotch's.

'There's something you need to see...'

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Sorry, it's sort of a cliffhanger again... but not quite as bad.

So we got some more info, yay.

Next chapter JJ will wake up... permanently. (i think anyway, i haven't actually written it though)

Let me know what you think.


	25. Unbearable Pain

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything I'll let you know…  
Spoilers: none.

AN/ I know it's been a long time coming, but my rents promised to fund my week long binge drinking holiday at the end of the year (schoolies!! lol) if I concentrated on my homework more… how could I refuse? But I did manage to sneak in this chapter when they weren't looking.

NOTE: this chapter hasn't been edited at all - I didn't want to make you guys wait any longer- so any mistakes you notice, be sure to tell me so I can fix them…

**Chapter 25  
****Unbearable Pain**

_He who has a why can endure any how.  
_Nietzsche

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'_There's something you need to see...'_

'Have you seen Emily?' Hotch asked, ignoring Garcia declaration

'She's here with me'

'Is she ok?'

'Hotch! She's fine… but you really need to see this'

'JJ woke up?'He interrupted

'Oh my God, why didn't you say something before?' Garcia said relieved

'You didn't give me a chance, now what do I need to see?' he asked

'JJ's not… JJ'

'I already know that'

'But I bet you don't know who she _is_' Garcia said, catching his attention

'You found out who she was?'

'Yes… well really Emily did'

'Who?' he demanded, interrupting her rambling

'Her name's Shelby… Shelby Merrick'

Hotch took a moment I digest the new information, then said 'I'm sending Morgan to bring Emily back... have you found out who Walt is?'

'Not yet, I'll let you know' she said and Hotch hung up and turned to face Reid and Morgan

_

* * *

_

It was quiet, peaceful, serene. She was floating; there was no sound, no pain, no memories… nothing, it was like sitting on a cloud… then her ears started ringing, and noises were all around her… beeping, humming, some kind of whooshing, and something else, something she couldn't quite recognize.

"JJ"

_There it was again, it was talking… her name- she was JJ, but who was it?_

She tried to open her eyes, just a little, to see what was going on, but just as he muscles seemed to be cooperating, she was attacked by a blinding light that forced her to close them again.

"mmnm"

She meant to say 'bright' but all she could manage was a moan. Luckily it seemed to have the desired effect, and caught the attention of the people in the room. Hopefully they would turn off that damn light.

"JJ, its ok, open your eyes for me" a voice said.

She tried again, but the second they were open she squeezed them shut again, it was still too bright.

"Bright"

_She tried to say it again, and she hoped they understood. It sounded more like bright this time…_

"Morgan, shut the blinds" they said.

After waiting a few seconds for them to eliminate the dreaded light she tried for a third time to get her eyes open, and succeeded. There were four people in the room, three men and a woman in a nurse's uniform; she assumed that meant she was in hospital. The supposed nurse was doing something or other with the machines, while the others, whom she now recognized as Reid, Morgan and Hotch, just stood staring at her in a state of shock.

"What?" she asked quietly, feeling uncomfortable with their unwavering staring.

"How are you feeling?" Hotch asked carefully

"Like I was hit by a bus… then trampled by elephants" she said giving them a small smile

"So you remember" Morgan joked with her before getting a warning glance from Hotch.

"How's Emily?" she asked suddenly remembering her friend.

"She's fine, she was here earlier… but the nurse made her get some rest" Hotch lied, deciding not to tell their newly awoken friend that Emily was currently missing, and ignored the glances Morgan and Reid shot each other.  
"So she's…ok?" JJ asked worriedly

"Yes, she will be released in a couple of days" Hotch confirmed

"Good" she replied distractedly.

"JJ, do-" Hotch's question was interrupted by the nurse

"I need to speak to Miss Jareau alone for a few minutes"

"We're in the middle of-"

"This is important, just five minutes then you can come back" she said ushering them out and leaving no room for disagreement. When the door was closed tightly and they were alone the nurse turned back to JJ, looking at her sadly.

"My names Grace, Jennifer"

"Call me JJ" she responded politely.

"I thought you might need a minute, and there's something I need to discuss with you… that I thought you might not want your friends here for" Grace explained, still giving her the sympathetic look, it was slightly unnerving.

"What is it?" she asked unsure if she really wanted to know, she knew it wasn't going to be good.

"The doctor wanted me to go over a few things with you… he thought you might be more comfortable with a woman-"

"Go over what exactly?" JJ asked, trying to hide her anxiousness.

"When you were first brought into the ER the nurse noticed some…bruising, on your thighs-"

"I know where you're going" JJ interrupted

"Do you?" the nurse asked gently.

"I was there…" JJ replied rudely

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"No I'm sorry; I didn't mean to say it like that…" JJ apologized, immediately feeling bad for snapping at the nurse.

"I should have been more tactful, I just wasn't sure if you remembered… you have quite a head injury, but the point is-"

"I don't want them to know…" JJ said quietly, pushing back tears.

"JJ-"

"I said I don't want them to know" JJ replied more firmly.

"I know you feel like that now…"

"**Don't**! Don't try and tell me how I'm feeling, or how I will feel… I've been through things you can't even imagine, so _don't_ tell me what to do!" JJ exclaimed trying to fight back tears, to no avail. Her frustration, anxiousness and pain were all evident as she roughly wiped her eyes, glad the nurse decided to busy herself outside the room.

As soon as she was alone JJ let the tears fall freely, bowing her head and clutching her knees as she remembered the conversation she had just had… and the events that caused it.

'…_bruising, on your thighs' the statement echoed through her head as the memory of Walt pinning her against the wall flashed before her eyes. She blinked her eyes, trying to forget. She ran her hands through her hair; trying to calm herself as she felt him touch her, __**caress**__ her, again. Her tears became choked sobs as she felt him unbutton her shirt and then her pants… and then his own. She screamed, viciously yanking her hair as she felt and saw him raping her-_

As she choked out another cry she was enveloped by two strong arms.

"It's going to be ok" He said rubbing her back as she violently sobbed in his arms. "Shhhh, it's over now, he can't hurt you anymore" he whispered in her ear, trying to calm her, completely unprepared for the question she choked out, sounding like a small, broken child.

"Why me?"


	26. My Mother’s Husband

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything I'll let you know…

Spoilers: none.

AN/ I AM SO SORRY it took so long to update... life has been hectic. ive had like 5 sacs the last few weeks, then i was on camp last week, and im on camp again this week... i had a party thrown for me on friday night, and it was my birthday on saturday, and mothers day today... lol

but it has been a shit weekend and ill be glad when its over... at my party everyones mobiles and ipods and wallets were stolen, coz some randoms crashed it, and i didnt even know half the people there coz i didnt throw it, and then after my phone was stolen, my rents and i spent the next day, saturday- my birthday, getting yelled at by everyones rents about it, when we didnt throw the party, it wasnt at our house, and we had nothing to do with it... like how were we meant to know heaps of ppl i didnt know were gonna be there, or that it wasnt registered with the police... I DIDNT ORGANISE IT OR HOST IT, it was just in my honour, and my other friends who has the same bday as me... but she didnt get angry phone calls... WTF??

anyway. hope you enjoy this chapter, and ill try to update faster this time, but its exams soon... lol

**Chapter 26  
****My Mother's Husband**

_Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.  
_Confucius

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"_Why me?"_

She felt him wince at her.

"What do you mean, why you?" he asked gently.

She stiffened suddenly and shivers ran down her spine as the male voice took her by surprise, "Hotch?"

She felt him shift on the bed to face her, looking silently at her, not breaking eye contact. She wanted to look away, but for some reason she couldn't, she just kept staring back, drawing comfort from his intense gaze. He had scared her, when he first spoke, when she first realized he wasn't who she thought he was… when she realized she was a long way away from the place she imagined she was. For a moment, she had believed she was back at Horizon… and that he was Peter. She knew it was childish, they weren't anything like each other, but the comfort that she had received in that moment was so similar to the moments she had shared with Peter… when no one else was around and she could let her guard down. It was strange, that Hotch could make her feel like that again.

"I'm sorry, I kind of… spaced out" she tried to explain, brushing it off as anything other than the emotional breakdown it was.

"We both know that's not true" he said firmly but gently.

Her head snapped up to look at him again, he wasn't meant to respond to that, he wasn't meant to draw her out, question her, this wasn't how it was meant to go…

"JJ, do remember the talk we had a few weeks ago?" he asked, not fazed by her surprise at his response.

"We all have secrets, only sometimes something will open up old wounds… and we had to deal with them" she said quietly.

"Something like that… but that's not all I said…" he paused, squeezed her arm gently "I'm here for you"

She looked up briefly, before her fleeting gaze relocated to the door, then the wall, then the window. She couldn't look at him; the concern evident is his voice was making her choked up again. She couldn't do this, nothing would be the same if they knew…

"We're all here for you JJ" he expanded while trying, unsuccessfully, to meet her gaze.

He waited for her to respond, to speak, or meet his eyes, or even nod, but she couldn't do anything… if she lifted her head he would see the tears making their way down her cheeks again. It was pathetic behavior, she was meant to be strong.

"JJ, look at me"

His voice was so gentle, so caring. She couldn't look up, couldn't look at him. She knew the moment she did he would see, know, what was in her soul… and as soon as he did everything would change. She would no longer be the strong, carefree liaison, and they would never be just coworkers, friends… they would act different, they would try to protect her. Her days of being just one of the team were going to be over before they really began, and she couldn't do anything to stop it.

"JJ, do you remember what happened?"

She nodded slowly, she remembered everything. He broke into her apartment, held her and Emily hostage… then he shot her.

"You need to tell me what happened"

She avoided his eyes, as soon as she looked at him it would all come out… and she wasn't ready for that… what would they think of her when they found out, they would never look at her the same again… it was too painful, too unspeakable, too dirty… it wasn't who she was anymore.

"Please talk to me"

He said please… Hotch never said please. She looked up at him quickly, and once she locked eyes with him, found she couldn't look away. Sympathy, worry, pain were all evident, but there was one thing she saw that she couldn't look away from, fear. He was scared. She'd never seen him express fear, or anything else really… he was letting his guard down for her. She knew it was difficult for him, almost as difficult as it was for her, she had to try and talk to him, try to let him in…

"It's all my fault" she blurted out.

"What do you mean?" he asked gently, seeming almost scared to talk, to break her reverie and frighten her back into silence.

"Emily, being hurt, it's my fault… I never should have gotten her involved."

"Involved in what?"

"I never should have let her come with me in Pittsburgh"

"What happened in Pittsburgh?"

"Nothing" she dismissed quickly.

"I know something happened, you wouldn't have mentioned it if there wasn't any significance" he stated quickly, sounding just like the profiler he was.

"I just went to see…" he silently urged her on, he was being so supportive, she couldn't lie to him "my mother, I went to see my mother" she finished quickly, hoping the quicker she got it over with the less it would hurt… once again her mother caused problems. Not that she wanted to blame her mother, Horizon had taught her that she couldn't blame her mother for all her problems… but her mother really did ruin her life, again. She regretted going to see her, if she hadn't none of this would have happened.

Hotch looked a little shocked "your mother?"

"Yes, I hadn't seen her in years… and everything leading up to that case in Pittsburgh seemed to be a sign that I needed to see her again, obviously I read it wrong…"

"Why's that?"

"I never should have gone back there"

He paused, wanting to get her back on topic, but not wanting to interrupt her… at least she was talking.

"What happened when you saw your mother?" he asked gently after hesitating slightly.

"She was… her. Took her all of two seconds to start on me about Scott, and Jess, and her, and… it was all my fault"

He gently rubbed her back as she tried to get her breathing under control. She had never been close with her mother, but she never hated her, even after she found out she turned a blind eye to Walt, because she stood up for her, but now… now she hated her.

"Who's Scott, and Jess?"

"Jess is my little sister" she replied happily. Thinking about Jess made her want to see her again, made her wish she never left her little sister in the first place…

"And Scott?"

"Scott's just… history. He's part of my old life, but my mother liked him, so it was a huge disappointment to hear we didn't make it… only ever thinking of herself that woman, it's not like it was _easy_ for me."

"Is this part of Jennifer Jareau's history, or Shelby Merrick's?" she flinched at the mention of her old name, of who she used to be, and she knew he saw it too. Why did this all have to be brought up again, after so long?

"I don't know what-"

"Don't lie to me JJ, I know…"

"What are you-"

"JJ!" his voice was forceful and it stopped her protests dead… he knew

"I… how do you know about that?"

"Garcia… and Emily"

"Emily? I knew I shouldn't have told her…" JJ mumbled quietly, but Hotch still heard her.

"She was trying to help you, Walt still hasn't been apprehended… we don't know who he is" he explained sympathetically, and she knew he suspected, but there was no way he would find out, not all of it anyway.

"I know she did." She sighed

"We need to know who Walt is…" Hotch pushed

"It's Walt…Walter Blaine…" she admitted after a long silence.

"And how do you know him?" he asked quietly

"Is that… important?" she asked trying to stall

"Yes, we need to know" he replied, the sympathy in his voice overwhelming.

"He's… he's my mother's husband" she said quickly, and Hotch noted that she called him her mother's husband and not her stepfather…

"I'll be one second" he quietly said as he pulled out his cell. It was answered on the second ring and he spoke before Garcia could get a word in.

'Garcia its Hotch. Walter Blaine…' he paused, trying to compose himself for what he had to say next, but he never had to.

'Uh, Hotch… Walter Blaine is Alice Blaine's husband…'

'That's him' Hotch answered before hanging up.

JJ watched his call silently, wishing he didn't have to tell anyone, wishing she didn't have to tell _him_… she knew they would all know now, but he would still make her tell him…

"JJ, I want you to start at the beginning… we need to know everything"

She turned to the window and watched the birds flying away, wishing that she could do just that… fly away, leave everything behind her and start again… but she knew running away didn't solve anything, she'd been running her whole life… this time, this time she would stay and fight.


	27. Sordid Details

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything I'll let you know…

Spoilers: none.

AN/ after spending 12 hours on Tuesday at the doctors and the hospital I found out I might have appendicitis, fun right? Well, in a way it hasn't been so bad, except for the pain, lol. I've spent the last 2 days in bed watching my fave tv shows over and over. But now I'm officially bored, until I remembered this story, and decided to write you guys another chapter… even though it's so close to the last one, and might give yall a heart attack… haha/ sorry about my lameness, but I haven't talked to anyone except my family and telemarketers for days, coz my stupid phone was STOLEN… so I'm a little starved of contact. lol

**Anyway, this is hot off the press, so there are probably heaps of mistakes, so let me know and I'll fix them. **

Also, thanks heaps to**didi2909, Enchanting Phoenix, JJ-Reid-01, Ghostwriter, irismoon, ReidsLuvr93, SLITH and SilverTurtle **for the reviews.

**Misateh**- lol, sorry i totally forgot about your review last chap, shows how long it was between posts. But anyway, yeah I do know that and most of it was creative license, haha. But i've better explained myself at the end of this chap. Anyway, thanks for reviewing and i hope you still enjoy it.

**Chapter 27  
****Sordid details**

_There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest.  
_Elie Wiesel

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"JJ?" he asked, drawing her attention away from the window

"Sorry, what?" she replied distractedly.

"I want you to start at the beginning" he said gently

"The beginning of what?" she asked, trying to avoid the inevitable. She knew she couldn't stop them from finding out, but she could delay it.

"How old were you when your mother married Walt" he asked trying to get her talking.

"Seven" she replied quietly

"And what was the wedding like?"

"What, is this some kind of trick, what does the wedding matter?" she asked, confused by is irrelevant question.

"It's just a question JJ" he replied simply, but she still didn't believe him, there had to be a reason, when dealing with profilers, the number one rule is _there is a reason for everything_.

"It was white… pretty. I remember the flowers smelt nice, it was the first wedding I'd ever been a part of. Jess and I were flower girls…" JJ giggled slightly remembering that day. "We got bored after the ceremony and went exploring. About half an hour later mom found us in the kitchen, eating what was left of the wedding cake…" she laughing hysterically now, holding her stomach to stop it from hurting, but sobered up as she remembered what happened afterwards "she was so angry with us… well with me, because I was older, I should have known better… she didn't talk to me for days afterwards. Walt kept telling me she was just upset, that she forgave me, just needed time… but I reckon that was the final straw, that was the moment she decided I was nothing but trouble"

The room was silent as she finished talking. Hotch didn't believe for one second that her mother hated her, how could any mother hate their child, especially someone like JJ… but then he remembered she wasn't JJ as this point, she was Shelby, but how bad could she really be?

"Did she forgive you?" he asked quietly, and for a second he thought she didn't hear him.

"No." that was all she said, no explanation, just no.

"What happened when Walt became part of your family?"

"He was never a part of my family!" she said, adamant that even the suggestion was preposterous.

"How old were you when he first abused you?" he asked gently, looking her straight in the eyes so she knew he was serious, he was there for her, and it was nothing to be ashamed of.

She couldn't look away from the intensity of his eyes. He wasn't avoiding her. Even when people worked up the courage to ask that question, they couldn't look her in the eyes… it made her feel safe that he was different, like she could trust him… like finally someone was on her side… "The first time he touched me, or…" she didn't need to finish the question, they both knew what she was talking about.

"The very first time he touched you" Hotch said still holding eye contact.

"I…I'm not really sure" she said uncomfortably, looking down.

"JJ look at me" the intensity of his voice made her eyes snap back to his "just look at me, you don't have to be embarrassed or ashamed… it's not your fault, and I know you know that" she held eye contact, but didn't know how to explain her answer… she really didn't know when he first _touched_ her.

"Why don't you know when he first touched you?" he asked gently, knowing it was difficult for her to explain

"I…I remember it like it was yesterday, I just don't remember _when_ it was…"

"Why?"

"Because he had been coming into my room… into my bed, since I was seven." She almost screamed, the pain unmistakable in her voice.

He squeezed her hand as a gesture of comfort, trying to reassure her, make her feel safe. He knew she could do it, but she couldn't do it alone.

"What happened?" he asked

"When?" she replied, he voice merely a whisper.

"When he came into your bedroom, what would happen?"

"The first time, nothing. He just came into my room at sat beside me on my bed… and we talked. I remember feeling special that he was spending time with me, just me… he called it our special time."

"And when you got older?"

"It wasn't so special…" she whispered like it was a secret, and in a way it was "He started being more physical, hugs and stuff. He would play with my hair, come in when I was in the bath, lay down with me in bad and tell me stories… I was young, so it didn't seem odd to anyone, or even to me…"

"What made you change your mind?"

"He started… doing more. Took my clothes off… or took his clothes off. Told me I was beautiful, that I was special…"

"When did he first rape you?" she flinched at his words. So far she could pretend it never happened, that it never escalated to more that touching… but his words, they made it real again, for both of them. If she answered this there would be no going back, no denying what happened…

"I…" she felt him tighten his grip on her hand, and she shifted on the bed until his arms enveloped her, comforted her. "It was on my tenth birthday…" she waited for him to flinch, or move, or say something… but he didn't do anything, just sat there, holding her serenely in his arms, waiting for her to continue, letting her go at her own pace. "I knew, before he did anything, that it was different that night… he didn't seem different, when he came into my room, after everyone was asleep, but I just _knew_."

She paused to compose herself as it all came back, overloading her senses and making her shiver with fear and disgust as she felt his hands on her again.

"JJ" Hotch's voice shook the memories away and calmed her slightly as he gently rubbed her back. He seemed to know exactly when to speak, and what to say…

"He came into my room every night after that, _every night_ and my mother didn't do anything"

"She might not have known…" Hotch tried to reason

"But she did! She _admitted_ it…" JJ exclaimed

"When?" he asked intrigued.

"When I found out he broke his promise and called the cops…" she explained, although he was still confused.

"What promise?"

"I… he promised he wouldn't touch Jess if I never told… but he lied." She said sadly, remembering the night Jess told her what he did to her, the night she almost killed him. She had flashbacks of that night, of getting the knife, the biggest, dullest one, of wanting so desperately to hurt him, kill him, like he killed 

them. Killed their happiness, killed their childhood, killed their souls… but she never could. She just sat there, the storm raging outside, and she looked at the knife, saw her reflection in it, and couldn't do it… she wanted to, so badly, and she could have, so easily, but it would have ended it, it would have made her his once and for all… she would live her life in jail, or on the run, for killing him. It would just be another way for him to control her, to torture her even from his grave.

"He was, is, a deeply disturbed man." Hotch said comfortingly, but it only made her more distressed.

"Then why did they let him out?"

"…The system is flawed" it was all he could say, and it was true. The system was flawed, letting a man out after only a few years for abusing two young girls, giving him the means to torture them again when he was released… it was wrong that he should get such little time, when people got more for manslaughter (an accident), or armed robbery, or a number of other crimes… crimes where the victims didn't suffer so, when there was no _real_ victim. Yes, the system was deeply flawed, and it was the victims that suffered the consequences.

"My mother never blamed him for what happened" JJ said, pulling him from his thoughts

"What do you mean, she admitted knowing-"

"Yes, but she recanted… she only said it so they wouldn't take Jess away from her… yet she let them take me, let him take us, and didn't do a thing to stop it. I know she knew, all those years, he left her bed _every_ night, she _had_ to know."

"I'm sure-"

"She took him back!" JJ interrupted, and Hotch wasn't sure what she was saying.

"What do you mean?"

"After he was released from prison, for abusing us, she took him back… they're living together, happily ever after" she spat disgusted with the words she was saying "That's the kind of person my mother is"

Hotch was speechless. Statistically it wasn't uncommon for the non abusive to take back the abusive parent after a prison sentence, but seeing the result with his own eyes, he couldn't for the life of him understand how they rationalized it.

"Is that what happened when you went to see your mother?" he finally asked, not knowing what else to say.

"Yeah, after she went on at me for ruining her life and everything, he showed up and I got the hell out of there…" she said, every word coming out uncharacteristically emotionless.

"How did he find you?"

"I'm not sure… I never said anything to him"

"So after seeing him at your mothers, the next time was…"

"At my apartment, when he broke in… and shot Emily." JJ said, still obviously worried about her friend.

"Did anything… else happen?" Hotch asked awkwardly. After hearing everything Walt had done to her in the past, he knew it was probable something happened in her apartment, but hearing about it happening in the past, to a girl he never truly knew, was a little different to hearing he raped JJ. It was slightly irrational, seeing as they were the same person, but somehow Shelby was different to JJ, and he wanted it to stay that way.

"NO" she said, adamantly denying it. But the look in her eyes made him question her honesty, after everything she told him, would she still feel the need to lie about it? He didn't know the answer, but if she continued to deny it, the only thing he could do was believe it, maybe Walt never got a chance to hurt her again… he prayed that was the truth, but that rational part of his mind told him it wasn't…

"You can tell me" he said, trying to get her to admit it.

"Nothing else happened!" she said, just as adamantly, but he believed it less than last time.

"JJ, after everything that's happened, after everything you've told me-"

"JJ's not a victim… nothing happened, just drop it" she demanded, her eyes starting to tear. He looked her straight in the eye, while she was desperately fighting the tears, and knew he couldn't just drop it.

"JJ's not a victim, but Shelby is" he replied, not breaking eye contact as he waited for her reply.

"Shelby always was, and always will be a victim, that's why I can't be her anymore" she explained

"Was she a victim in your apartment, did Walt hurt y-her again?" he almost slipped, and hoped she didn't notice.

"Like I said, always has and always will be a victim, Walt made sure of that" he paused at her statement, knowing it was the closest he was going to get to an admission. If she didn't tell them they couldn't charge Walt with her rape, and although everything else would definitely get a conviction, this was the proverbial icing on the cake; it would make sure he never got out to hurt either of them again. Then again, they had to find Walt before they could charge him.

"You did really good" Hotch said gently as he squeezed her hand. She didn't reply, she couldn't look at him anymore, she had told him so much, she didn't want anyone to have to know it all, and yet she had told him most of it. It was too hard to look at him at the moment, because she knew that, in his own way, he would understand.

"Get some rest, Emily will be just down the hall when you wake up" he added as he stood and watched her snuggle beneath the blankets. She looked so small and broken, and yet inside he knew she was strong, one of the strongest people he knew, and when you're a BAU profiler, and you've seen all that he has, that's a strong person. But that strength made him worry, for some reason he couldn't shake the feeling that she was still hiding something.

"I need a cigarette" JJ muttered in her sleep after Hotch had left the room.

CMCMCM

Aww, some cute Hotch/JJ protective moments, lol. Not a pairing I swear, I just like seeing him as a father figure…

**Anyway, a few explanations:**

**1.** I know Shelby wasn't raped by Walt in Higher Ground, but I still think it's possible… the whole "did he make you have sex with him" line won't leave me alone. Either way, it's my **fictitious** story, so it can be true. (So please don't flame, I'm very sick of this debate- although it hasn't been a problem in CM fics- yet). Anyway, the details were never given, so all the details in this chapter are totally my take on the situation.

**2.** I know her mum wasn't the total bitch I'm making her out to be in the series, she did protect Shelby and Jess with the police, eventually. But we never found out what happened after that. Plus, it's just JJ/Shelby's thoughts on her mother, and honestly, they are meant to be biased, especially at this point in the story.

**3.** I know there are HUMOUGOUS holes in her story (especially to those who have seen HG and are like "But what about…"), but they are still suspicious, and in the next chapter Garcia and Emily will be doing some digging into Shelby's past… anyone wanna guess what they find? Lol. No ruining the surprise!!

**4.** I know there was a 4, and a 5, but I can't remember what they were… silly me.

Well thanks for reading, I hope you liked that chapter.


	28. The past and the present

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything I'll let you know…

Spoilers: none.

AN/ sorry it took so long again, well I guess two weeks isn't so long, but it felt like forever for me… I finally got my appendix out. Lol, it really wasn't fun. Part of this was written in hospital, on shitty little napkins I got with lunch… mostly the pain stuff, hehe. Anyway, I'm glad the experience is over, and the pains gone away, mostly.

And I'm glad I posted again; even though I'm meant to be studying for exams next week… totally gonna fail now.

HUMONGOUS thankyou's to  
**Amy**- yeah it was totally that kind of denial, and thanks for the heartfelt review, lol. (not trying to sound sarcastic even though it comes off like I am)  
**JJ-Reid-01**- great minds, yeah she did seem like that kind of person... i know thats a terrible thing to say about a person but, meh, what evs. And i know what you mean, although now it would be so diff to the original. I actually had a dream about it the other night, while whacked out on oxycodone, where peter and sophie had a group of cliffhangers that were like exactly like the HG crew... it was quite strange. Anyway, i'll stop rambling.  
**Nat365**- i had mixed feeling about the knife bit, but after watching this show called 'the inside' (don't know if you've seen it or not) anyway, there was this ep where the main FBI agent, who was kidnapped as a child and escaped after like 2 years, couldnt relate to these suicidal people, because she was a fighter... and since then i decided she wasn't killing herself.  
**Enchanting Phoenix**- that would suck, and wow it hurts doesn't it. lol. Yeah I'm not sure if i wanna bring them in now, i'll see what happens, i'm thinking maybe a sequel if people want them to come back, coz this one is getting long.  
**Carla-Leigh**- interesting/weird, it felt strange writing like that...  
**mitfordgal**- haha, i already thanked you, but i wanted to add another incident to my argument, in the HG ep 'exposed' when scott is confronting Shelby he says "he did it to you didn't he, what happened to me. He abused you, molested you..." there was clearly rape involved in that...  
**SilverTurtle**- i hope you can relax a little after this chap, some of your worries will be mentioned... and i too love a protective Hotch. Lol  
**Astacia**- aww, your review made me smile so much. Yeah i loved higher ground, obviously, and couldn't pass this idea up when i thought of it. lol, and thankyou so much for the confidence and praise. I hope this chap lives up to hopes!  
**Dakotawind**- haha, i totally get the busy thing, but thanks heaps for reviewing anyway. It was kinda a relief to let someone else know, but shes still hiding a lot. Em and Garcia will find out more than they wanted to know soon...  
**sqwrath**- lol, thanks for reviewing. I especially loved the smiley face.  
**forget my name.is that bad?**- wow, two review for one chap, don't i feel special!! Lol, and all that pleading, if i didnt know better i'd think you wanted another chapter... haha, sorry, bad joke. PS, have you remembered your name yet?  
**scrawn**- i'm glad you like, i think we discussed the crossovers... or i did anyway, lol. Thanks for reviewing.  
**Ghostwriter**- i'm glad so many agree with me about her being raped... not that its a good thing or anything. Lol. And i like the idea about JJ and Derek, they do have a bit in common...  
**SLITH**- haha, guilty, I just had to put that in there... and she def is as strong, or even more, she just needs to realise it. and i love the Hotch father figure thing, i just wanted to make sure people with dirty minds didnt read too much into it...  
**Robynno**- aw thanks, and yeah i do enjoy writing dark stories it seems... call it a creative outlet. Lol.

Wow, my thanks is almost longer than the story.

Anyway, enjoy!!

**Chapter 28  
****The past and the present**

_Innocent as a dove you will harm no one, but wise as a serpent no one will harm you._  
Haug

**CMCMCM**

She would never admit it, but Emily was almost _happy_ to be back in hospital. As much as she pretended she was fine, her little 'outing' had been more painful than she wanted to think about. Her request for something to dull the pain shooting through her abdomen was seen as some kind of joke, and caused Morgan, the doctor and the nurse to start laughing, only stopping when they saw she was deadly serious. The explanation for their outburst was something along the lines of, 'if someone can break out and hop a 

cab alone you'd expect them to be able to handle a little pain'. _She_ almost laughed at that, a little pain, they had to be kidding. But whatever they were thinking they gave her the pills, she really wasn't paying attention to what they were, and the pain dulled to an acceptable level.

They told her to sleep, which was unavoidable with the drowsiness of the drugs, and that if she was feeling better when she woke up she could see her friend. JJ, with all the fuss she had almost forgotten about her, the irony wasn't lost, and suddenly all Emily wanted to do was visit her. Her attempts to get up were stopped and the nurse all but demanded she sleep, forcing Morgan to stand guard over her until she did.

But she was awake now, after sleeping for nearly 4 hours, and that damn nurse could do nothing to prevent her from visiting JJ, she had help up her end of the bargain.

"I want to see JJ" were the first words from her mouth.

"How about you wait until you've woken up first" Morgan said, slightly stunned, from his seat beside her.

"I am awake" she replied sitting up and swinging her legs off the bed, causing her to become very dizzy and almost fall off the bed. Morgan jumping up to catch her was the only thing that stopped her from hitting the deck.

"Whoa, what do you think you're doing?" he asked, helping her back into bed

"JJ" she groaned in reply, wishing her sluggish body would catch up to her mind.

"Slow down, JJ's asleep, won't be up for a while so take your time."

"But I _need_ to see her… to see she's ok" she explained, giving him what could only be described as a 'puppy' look, and pleading with him to help her to JJ's room.

"Ok ok, don't go all soft on me now" he teased gently, helping her sit again. She winced at the burning in her stomach before nodding at him to continue. Her visit to Garcia must have done more damage than she thought, getting up was much more painful than it was last time she did it.

"Are you ok?" Morgan asked when she was standing. She nodded and almost shuffled to the door, leaning on the frame for support as she took a few relaxing breaths.

"Are you sure you're ok?" he asked and again she nodded, heading towards JJ's room, walking a little better than before, or so she thought. Suddenly she tripped on something on the floor in the corridor and found herself falling, only to end up in Morgan's arms again as he saved her.

"Wanna rethink that answer?" he teased lightly, causing her to half growl half smirk at him.

"No, I'm fine… just give me your arm will you" she replied trying to sound angry but failing miserably. She knew he was grinning at her as he helped her to JJ's room, but she decided to let him win this time, he had saved her, twice, from hitting the floor.

As she hobbled into JJ's room Garcia jumped up from her chair and she gratefully sat down, giving her a small smile before soothingly stroking JJ's arm.

"How is she?" she asked quietly

"Good I guess… at least she's peaceful" Garcia replied worriedly. Emily wanted to tell her JJ was anything but peaceful, but changed her mind as she opened her mouth, deciding Garcia didn't need to know that JJ's dreams were almost definitely plagued with memories of what happened, as hers were. It was better to think she was content in her sleep.

"Is she still asleep?" Hotch asked from the doorway, only entering when he saw her sitting there.

"Yeah" Emily replied quietly

"How are you doing?" he asked her concerned

"I'm alright… better than her" she added.

"I'm gonna get some coffee, if you guys are ok to stay here for a bit" Garcia interrupted, feeling the tension in the room and heading towards the door.

"I'll be here" Emily replied quickly

"I'll come with you baby girl" Morgan said hurriedly before adding "Can we get you guys anything?" they both shook their heads gently and Garcia and Morgan left quickly.

"How is she really?" Emily asked as soon as they had left.

"The doctors said she'll be fine" he dodged, avoiding her eyes the same way JJ had been earlier.

"That's not what I meant and you know it" she said, the smallest hints of anger in her voice. Hotch just looked worriedly at the blonde, not acknowledging her question at all.

"Hotch, what is it? You've had that look on your face since you talked to her…" Emily pleaded, wanting to know what was wrong.

"She's not doing very well… I don't think she's dealing with this at all, not as JJ anyway." He finally admitted.

"What do you mean, not as JJ?"

"I think she's slipping into some kind of…" he hesitated, not wanting to say it.

"Some kind of what?" Emily demanded, his demeanor making her very nervous.

"…psychotic episode" he almost whispered

"WHAT? You're not serious, what…why…"

"She keeps talking about Shelby like she's a different person-"

"Well she is"

"No, she's not, not really… Everything JJ experienced as Shelby is still inside her, she still experienced it, she's just pushing it out of her mind, filing it under 'Shelby' and forgetting about it. But now everything from her past is coming up and invading her life now, and she doesn't know how to deal with it."

"What are you saying?"

"With her past and present colliding she's having a hard time separating them, so every time she experiences pain she reverts back to 'Shelby', and I'm worried if she keeps doing it she will create a rift in her mind…" she looked at him to continue, terrified by what she knew was coming "and completely separate the two personalities"

She felt her heart break, this couldn't happen to JJ, not her, she was the sanest of all of them…

"What do we do?" she asked quietly, her head down to try and hide the tears threatening fall.

He took her free hand gently in his; causing her to meet his eyes "We have to make her acknowledge that Shelby is a part of her."

"How?"

"I don't know" he said, squeezing her shoulder comfortingly before he left the room.

She sat there, just watching JJ's chest rise and fall rhythmically, hypnotizingly. She looked so relaxed, peaceful, it wasn't possible for there to be anything wrong with her. She didn't notice Garcia until she felt her squeeze her hand. She turned to look at her, unable to wipe the worried look off her face.

"Em are you ok, you're as white as a ghost?" Garcia shrieked when she saw her.

"I…JJ…We need to help her" she stuttered, unable to comprehend the conversation she had just had, let alone explain it.

"Why, what's wrong?"

"Hotch said we need to make her acknowledge that Shelby is a part of her" Emily said, looking very distressed.

"How?"

"…we need to show her that her scars are ok with us, that it doesn't change who she is, or how we see her"

"But we don't even know what they are" Garcia said, troubled by Emily's frantic behavior.

"So we find out… you do it all the time" Emily said, eyeing Garcia's laptop in the corner of the room.

"I don't know…shouldn't we let her tell us?" Garcia replied uncertainly, not wanting to invade her friend's privacy, but wanting desperately to know what she couldn't tell them about her past.

"She's not going to; she's scared of our reaction"

"She talked to Hotch; it's only a matter of time before she tells us…" Garcia reasoned.

"But she's still not telling him everything, and I can tell its worrying him."

"I still think we should ask her about it-"

"Ask me about what?" They both jumped at the voice from the bed, quickly ending their conversation and turning their attention on her.

"Oh JJ, I'm so glad you're ok" Garcia squealed, throwing her arms around her neck and squeezing her tightly.

"Ouch, I was ok" JJ laughed lightly and Emily gave her a knowing look, recalling her own experience with the infamous Garcia bear hug.

"Sorry sorry, I'm just so glad you're awake… and making sense" she explained releasing her and returning to her seat, revealing a very confused JJ.

"What do you mean making sense?"

"Last time I saw you waking up you were shouting and screaming all sorts, scared the heck out of me. _Never_ do it again" Garcia joked lightly, causing JJ to smile faintly.

"So what did you want to ask me about?" JJ asked, smiling again at the shocked look on their faces.

"I…" Garcia mumbled and JJ turned to look straight at her, the intensity of her gaze slightly comforting.

"What is it?"

"Jayje… what happened to you?" she stuttered, her eyes filling with tears. The emotion in her voice made Emily turn away to keep her composure.

"Pen I…" JJ started, trying to find something to say to her best friend.

"I want the truth Jayje, don't I deserve that?" she pleaded

"You deserve more than that, but I can't give it to you-" JJ replied, looking straight into her eyes.

"Why not?" Garcia asked desperately "You know everything about me"

"It's not the same"

"Why?" she asked unable to keep the hurt expression off her face.

"It's just not, ok" JJ said harshly, immediately feeling bad for snapping at her friend. She wasn't sure if Garcia was going to shout at her or slap her, but nothing could prepare her for what she said.

"Why are you being such a bitch?" Garcia cried, throwing the room into silence.

She winced. People had called her a bitch before, but this time it was different, she was different… this time it hurt.

"Oh, Jayje, I'm sorry… I didn't mean it…" Garcia apologized, slowly approaching JJ's side.

"Just go ok" she said harshly, turning away from her friend.

The pain in her words wasn't missed and Garcia silently left the room, glancing back sadly before disappearing.

"JJ, you know she didn't mean it, she was just upset…" Emily tried, placing a light hand on her shoulder.

"Please just leave me alone" she replied sadly, brokenly. It took everything she had to turn and walk away, but she knew that's what JJ wanted, needed, in that moment… to be alone.

She found Garcia in the hall and she helped her back to her room, still wearing the sad, hurt look from before.

"She knows you didn't mean it, she's just hurting" she told Garcia quietly as she helped her into bed.

"You were right" Garcia replied, appearing to have missed everything she said.

"About what?" Emily asked

"We need to know, and she's not going to tell us" she answered determinedly.

"I don't know if it's such a good idea" Emily stated, trying to dissuade her.

"You know what she told me, when I had to dig into Morgan's past? We're helping him! And that's what we have to do, help her" She explained, making it sound very reasonable. Slowly Emily nodded, not believing she was agreeing.

"Ok…" she said slowly "to help her"

**CMCMCM**

I know I promised they would find something out this chap but I couldn't quite get there… but next chap I swear, cross my heart. And I will update quickly, since I've got nothing better to do.

Reviews make my life better… lol, since they are my only contact with the outside world. (dramatic much?)


	29. Records

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything I'll let you know…

Spoilers: none.

AN/ I'm totally making up JJ's age in this chap (AJ is nearly 30- but totally looks 20), lol.

**Thanks to:  
****SLITH**- I'm glad it makes sense, lol, and it would be easier... how do you tell someone that? Especially when they have known you as someone else. But it makes for dramatic writing, hehe, totally my thing!!  
**Ghostwriter- **you always make sure to review, I like that. lol  
**JJ-Reid-01- **I'm glad you like (or love, as I proudly heard/read) lol.  
**Carla-Leigh**- me too, even more so coz it's my doing... but its dark and dramatic. Lol, and you start getting an idea in this chap.  
**Enchanting Phoenix**- I keep having these weird dreams about Scott and JJ meet again during a case, and he is a huge football star and stuff. Haha, so it's always a possibility.  
**ReidsLuvr93**- aww really? Don't cry... or maybe do cry... I'm not sure, I know I nearly cry when I write these chaps, but I guess they are an outlet, so it's meant to be like that.  
**Forget my name.is that bad?**- that sucks, I would be very annoyed, especially if I couldn't get to my story... have you contacted the site or anything. Well anyway, I'm getting attached to forget my name, lol.  
**Dakotawind-** lol, you made me blush, and smile. Such a sweet thing, and its lovely to hear, hehe, and I'm glad you like it. And I've noticed JJ and Emily are like joined at the hip in all the post-strike eps, which is really cute...  
**lrigD**- lol, I love that you think it fits, and Hotch is such a sweetie at heart... and def see Higher Ground if you can. Haha, yes I have to agree with you about the interpunction and spelling, courtesy of a public school education... just kidding. It's probably because I tend to do a lot of free writing, to express emotions and thought and stuff, and the dots and comers are just pauses in my train of thought, I really need to get out of it, it's a bad habit. Wow, Dutch, I've never met (or spoken to) a Dutch person before. Anyway, ignore my marvel at the wide world of the internet. No way was your review boring, I absolutely LOVE long raving reviews, and I do intend to continue this story, as long as my imagination permits...

**For your great and inspiring reviews. Seriously, reviews make every writers day!!**

**Chapter 29  
****Records**

_Betrayal is the only truth that sticks.  
_Arthur Miller

CMCMCM

"Are you sure we should be doing this?" Emily asked as Garcia typed away at her laptop.

"We need to know" Garcia replied in the same inattentive way she had been for the last few minutes.

"Maybe we don't… Hotch said she was abused by him when she was younger, maybe that's all we need to know…"

"He also said he felt she was still holding back"

"Wouldn't you?" Emily said, frowning at Garcia's un-Garcia-like behavior.

"It's not me we're talking about. Look, JJ's my best friend, I've known her for years, and the fact that she felt she couldn't tell me this, well… I know it's going to be big, but I need to know, so I can help her… so I can help understand her…I can't just let this go" Garcia pleaded, hoping she would understand, she knew Emily and JJ were close too.

"I… we're helping her, right?" Emily asked again, having a very bad feeling about what they were doing.

"Of course we're helping her, how else are we going to convince her we're ok with her past?" Garcia replied. Emily couldn't disagree with her logic, but she couldn't rid the nagging feeling in her stomach either, something wasn't right.

"What if we find something we don't want to know?" she asked suddenly

"Like what? Whatever we find is going to be bad, she wouldn't have held back if it wasn't… we just need to be prepared for that" Garcia replied with more logic. Emily couldn't help noticing the sudden role change; she was usually the logical one.

"I guess you're right" she said hesitantly.

"Course I am, I'm always right" She answered confidently, but Emily was worried. This was the time for right or wrong, this wasn't some case, this was JJ…

"I'm starting the search…now!" Garcia announced, looking intently at her computer screen.

"What have you found?" Emily asked after a few minutes, the silence making her more nervous.

"Born 22nd July 1981, her sister, Jess, a year and a half later… parents divorced when she was five, mother remarried when she was seven, attended local public schools, etc etc… here we go" she said stopping suddenly.

"What?"

"When she was 16 she was enrolled at Mt. Horizon High School"

"What about it?" Emily asked, not understanding the significance.

"Well it just sounds…"

"Wait a minute, in Pittsburgh I remember JJ and her mother… talking… about sending her away, to Horizon… at the time I didn't-but now…" Emily tried to explain, recalling the argument clearly.

"You think it's the same place…"

"It has to be… but what is it?"

"Um, ok, Mt. Horizon, school for… at risk teens" Garcia announced, slightly disturbed by the information "At risk?"

"Makes sense, considering what happened with her stepfather…"

"At risk? Why don't they just call them delinquents and get it over with…" Garcia said cynically.

"Garcia!" Emily said disappointed with her sudden small-mindedness "you knew you weren't going to like what you found…"

"Yeah… but it's different actually… seeing it" she replied sadly. Emily could tell she regretted it, she herself regretted it, but every new piece of information was connecting the dots in her head, making sense of what she had heard… part of her was glad they had done it, regardless of what they found.

"I know, but we need to find out more about this school… do you think you can access her records?" Emily asked gently

"If they have them on a server anywhere I will find them" she replied confidently, she was back in her element.

"And until we find out more… we don't share this with anyone, got it?"

"… but shouldn't we tell the others?"

"Not until we know what we are dealing with"

"Alright, it's our little secret"

"How are the records coming?"

"It may take some time, you should rest, I'll wake you when I find something" Garcia replied busily, turning away so she couldn't see what she was doing.

"You wake me the second you find _anything_"

"Yes doll" Garcia replied.

Emily noted her distractedness, but chose to ignore it, figuring she would get faster results. Now all she had to do was get a little more sleep…

Her tiredness overwhelmed her the second her head hit the pillow, pulling her into a restless, nightmarish, sleep. She had known it would happen, she knew the second she closed her eyes it would all come back, the sounds, the smells…the fear. She had tried not to think about what happened, the panic and fear that coursed through her the second he came through the door, and the adrenaline and training that temporarily disguised it. But now it was all gone, all that was left were the memories, and fear.

The seconds played out over and over in her mind, every detail relived, over and over. She remembered the moment she realized he was more than an intruder, he was a monster, her monster. She hated the moments that JJ gave him control of, submitting like a small scared child, and hated even more the haunted look in her eyes when she saw him, but most of all she hated the way he looked at JJ. She hated the reaction he got, the power he had over her, and the fear he caused. But mostly, she hated him. She hated him for hurting her, for terrorizing her, and for touching her. She hated him because of what he did to her, and what he reminded her of… She just hated him.

There were two moments that kept playing over in her mind, whether she was asleep or not. The first was the look on JJ's face as she went down, a look she now attributed to being shot but at the time didn't understand. It was slightly comforting to know she cared so much, or more likely to have proof that she cared, at least in her own mind. The second moment was merely a flash, or sequence of flashes, that was neither comforting nor pleasant, it was something she wished she never saw, but in a way was glad she knew. It was foggy and terrifying and it was a constant reminder of how she failed to protect her friend. It was this image that really haunted her… _the image of JJ being raped._

"Emily?" she felt someone shake her gently, "Emily wake up!"

She groggily opened her eyes to see Garcia standing above her "What is it?" she asked tiredly as she rubbed her eyes.

"I found her records but there was nothing interesting in them, just general school records… about grades and stuff… none of the ones we are looking for."

"What do they say?" she asked, slowly waking.

"She was an A grade student, handed in most of her work on time, got good scores on exams…"

"So a good student" Emily concluded

"Yup, a very good student"

"We already assumed that though, what else did you find?"

"Nothing, none of the 'other' records were anywhere that I could find them" she replied, emphasizing the _other_ part.

"Meaning?" Emily asked

"Meaning they don't exist… or they are very old fashioned"

"What?" she asked confused.

"JJ started there over ten years ago, they probably hand wrote them…"

"…and haven't computerized them yet"

"So how do we find them then?" Garcia asked, unsure of how to continue.

"…We ask them"

**CMCMCM**

I can just hear the dun dun dun.lol

Random note:

This made up connection between JJ and Shelby I have created is playing with my mind, now almost every episode of CM I watch has some part with JJ that I think is just such a 'Shelby' moment… and every time I think about it I actually think JJ's past is Shelby's, until I remember I made it up, anyone else have that happen?

It's totally freaking me out…

PS sorry its short, but i'll update again soon.


	30. Empty

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything I'll let you know…

Spoilers: none.

AN/ sorry it took so long to update, its pretty pathetic when the only time I have to write is when I'm home sick!  
Anyway, thanks to everyone who reviewed and is reading.

Special thanks to **forget my name.is that bad?** For annoying me until I updated. Lol, although i quite enjoyed the begging... (jokes)

**Chapter 30  
****Empty**

_All empty souls tend toward extreme opinions.  
_William Butler Yeats

CMCMCM

He wasn't exactly sure how he had been roped into this, but he should have seen it coming… It had started out as a favor. Garcia had sent him an urgent text message asking him to meet her in Emily's room and to not tell anyone. It sounded ominous, he knew that much, but when he got there, after running five flights of stairs thinking it was an emergency, she had calmly told him they were going to a place called Mt. Horizon to talk to someone from JJ's past, or was it Shelby's past? Thinking about it made his head hurt, was she still JJ when she was Shelby? Maybe that's what made him agree to this ridiculous trip, to find out if she really was a different person or if it was just a different name. But it didn't matter why he agreed, the girls had tricked him. Garcia had skillfully avoided giving details through the entire 7 hour flight to Seattle and had waited until they were practically in the gate to tell him that the person they were visiting wasn't in fact a person but a school, and it was JJ's high school… oh and it was a school for 'troubled teens'. At that point he was sure he was being set up.

"What?" he asked slamming on the breaks and pulling off the road. Garcia squealed as the SUV jerked to a stop, throwing her back into her seat and forcing her to take a few calming breaths before turning to strangle Morgan.

"What did you do that for?" she asked harshly, he heart still pounding from the sudden stop.

"A school for troubled teens? Don't you think I should have been informed of this before we arrived." he almost shouted.

"Well technically you were" she replied with her usual spunk

"Technically I could turn the car around and go home right now" he knew it was a terrible come back, but he was angry, furious even, that they had intentionally refrained from sharing that little tidbit. He heard truck pull in behind him and turned to see an old pickup. The driver got out and approached his window quickly.

"You guys ok?" the guy asked seeming genuinely worried.

"We're fine, he just overreacted" Garcia accused, giving Morgan a pointed look.

"You sure? What about your SUV?" it was only then that Morgan noticed the smoke coming from the engine. Great, just great.

"I'll just call… no cell service, this is just great"

"I own the school up the road, why don't you come with me and we'll call a tow from there" the guy suggested kindly.

"Uh, we'd really appreciate it" Morgan admitted starting to calm down again.

"Great, jump in" he replied and they obeyed, Garcia sitting between the two men.

Morgan noticed the man eye his gun warily before introducing himself "I'm Peter by the way"

"Penelope Garcia"

"Special Agent Morgan, but just call me Derek man" he stated his full title trying to put the guy, who he now knew as Peter, at ease.

"So what's the FBI doing all the way out here?" Peter asked casually.

"We were just on our way to-"

Morgan was interrupted by an excited Garcia "You wouldn't happen to be Peter Scarbrow, of Mt. Horizon, would you?"

"That would be me" he answered curiously.

"Then I guess we were on our way to talk to you" Morgan finished, surprised that a guy who runs a school for troubled teens was so friendly.

"Talk to me?" he asked, this time surprised "About what?"

"An old student of yours"

He suddenly became very quiet and Morgan could tell he saw it as a personal failure that a student of his had seemingly been arrested by the FBI.

"Here we are!" he announced as they drove past the sign for the school, and down the driveway until they reached the car park. "If you want to follow me I'll show you to the office where you can all a tow for your SUV." He said leading them into one of the many buildings.

Morgan and Garcia followed in silence, curiously looking around the campus as they walked. For all intensive purposes it looked strangely normal, almost like a summer camp, but they both knew better. Their attention was drawn to a young boy who was having a loud argument with a blonde woman as a rather large 'brother', as the boy called him, tried to restrain him.

"What do you think that's about?" Garcia whispered to Morgan nosily.

"Don't know" he replied quietly as the pair watched on intently.

"Excuse me for a moment" they vaguely heard Peter call as he ran towards the disturbance, pushing through the quickly forming circle of bystanders.

"What's going on here Jason?" they head him ask the boy.

"Nothin' man, tell him to let me go!" he cried struggling against the man holding him. Peter nodded to the man and he released the boy, heading in their direction after a quiet discussion with Peter.

"Hi I'm Roger Claypool, Peter has asked me to show you to his office while he deals with…" he let the sentence trail off as he waved his arm in the general direction of the commotion, where students were being herded away by what he assumed were other staff members.

"Thanks man, I'm Derek Morgan and this is Penelope Garcia" Morgan quickly introduced as they continued towards the building.

"Are you considering Horizon for your child?" he asked and the pair shared a look.

"Oh we're not… we're with the FBI" Morgan answered quickly and awkwardly.

"Sorry" Roger replied "It's just the only visitors we get up here are parents looking for help"

"No worries. What can you tell us about Peter?" he asked inquisitively.

"Why do you want to know?" Roger asked defensively

"Just curious" Morgan replied vaguely.

"Peter is the most generous person I know; he will stop at nothing to help these kids. Whatever you're thinking, you're wrong about him!" Roger ranted angrily.

"We're not thinking anything, we're not even here for him" Morgan explained quickly

"Then why are you here?" Roger asked relaxing slightly and showing them into Peter's office.

"We need some information on a past student" Garcia replied

"May I ask who?" he asked slowly.

Before either could come up with an answer they were interrupted by a knock at the door.

"Come in" Roger called quickly and a woman who looked to be in her late twenties stuck her head round the door.

"Oh good, you're here" she said, mostly to herself, before looking between the two and adding "Peter's going to be tied up for a while so he asked me to look after you, I'm Catherine Ferris, but everyone calls me Kat"

"Is everything alright with Jason?" Roger interrupted.

"It will be, Peter and Sophie are trying to calm him down… he got a call from his sister earlier" the two staff members shared a knowing look and Morgan and Garcia looked away uncomfortably, desperately wanting to ask why a phone call from his sister would make him that worked up, but knowing it wasn't their place.

"Anyway," Kat said suddenly, breaking the awkward silence, "I'll call you a tow, and then you can ask whatever you came here to ask"

"Thanks" they both replied as Kat dialed the phone.

"So where are you two from?" Roger asked while Kat was on the phone.

"DC, well Quantico actually." Garcia explained in her friendly manner.

"And you came all the way here just to talk to us? Sounds serious" he mused

"It is" Morgan answered cryptically, wanting to get the small talk over with so they could help their friend. He hadn't been too happy about coming here, but there was nothing he could do about it now, the best thing he could do for all of them was find out about JJ's past, and that's what he intended to do.

"So how long have you worked here?" Garcia asked to fill the silence following Morgan's impolite answer.

"Oh, nearly fifteen years now" Roger replied happily.

"Roger's been here since I attended Horizon" Kat added as she hung up.

"You went here?" Garcia asked curiously. It was possible that she and JJ were here around the same time, they may have known each other.

"Yeah, although that was ten years ago" she added before asking "So what can we do for you?"

"Maybe we should wait for Peter" Morgan suggested

"I'm sure we'll be able to help you" Kat replied slightly annoyed.

"What can you tell us about a past student, she would have been here around the same time as you?" Garcia asked ignoring Morgan's hesitation.

"What's her name?" Kat asked, moving towards the computer on Peter's desk.

"Shelby Merrick" Morgan said, causing Kat to freeze and share a shocked look with Roger.

"Shelby?" She asked in disbelief. Morgan and Garcia shared a look at their response, what the hell was going on?

"Yes" he nodded "Shelby Merrick"

"Maybe we should wait for Peter…" Kat said vaguely, getting a glazed look in her eyes.

"I don't understand, you just said-" Garcia started to ask but was interrupted by Roger.

"Shelby and Kat were in the same group"

"Shelby" Kat whispered again interrupting Rogers' explanation. Morgan and Garcia looked at Kat worriedly as Roger helped her to a chair before racing to the door. "Allison, go get Peter"

"But he's dealing with-" she tried to argue

"Just do it!" he ordered before closing the door and heading back over to Kat.

"You knew J-Shelby?" Garcia asked sadly.

"We were… well I assume we were friends, it's sorta hard to tell with Shelby" Kat replied smiling slightly at the memory of Shelby's usually icy demeanor.

"What do you mean hard to tell?" she questioned, desperately wanting to know what her best friend was like before she knew her.

"Shelby was always very… secretive I guess would be a nice way to describe it. She was the 'bad-girl', but it was just an act to shelter herself from getting too close to anyone, she wasn't used to trusting people" Kat described, her smile faltering for a moment before returning. Garcia wasn't sure how to react, she could see slight similarities between the secretiveness of JJ and Shelby, but everything else she said seemed like she was talking about a completely different person.

"Why didn't she trust people?" Garcia probed

"I think that's enough for now" Roger said effectively ending the questioning. Garcia wanted to keep questioning Kat, but Roger obviously wasn't going to allow any more of that. She would just have to wait for Peter…

* * *

She had given JJ about two hours to herself to think before she got too anxious to leave her alone any longer. She wanted to catch her alone so they could talk; they had a lot to talk about.

"JJ are you awake?" Emily whispered as she tiptoed into her room. She shifted in her bed and peered at Emily from beneath the covers.

"How are you feeling?" she asked gently as she sat down beside her.

"I wish people would stop asking me that, don't you?" she replied. She wasn't angry, she wasn't sad, she wasn't frustrated or broken. There was absolutely no emotion in her voice.

"Yeah I do. I just feel like saying 'how do you think I'm feeling?' but it's not their fault, they just don't know what else to say"

"Is that how it is between us too? You don't know what to say to me?" JJ asked still emotionless.

"No, I don't think so, I just don't want to say what I need to say" she babbled, her nervousness causing JJ to turn to face her, an unreadable expression on her face.

"What do you need to say?"

"I need to talk to you about what happened the other night, with Walt" she started hesitantly.

"I'd rather just forget about it" JJ said dismissively but Emily wouldn't let it go, she knew it would be impossible to forget.

"We both know you won't be able to just forget about it, and neither will I for that matter. We need to deal with this, and I thought it would be easier for us to do it together…" she replied, her last statement showing her insecurity and making JJ instantly feel bad.

"I'm sorry Em; I'm just not used to sharing… It's been a really long time since I've had anyone to share with" she admitted

"Me too…" she replied, her voice barely more than a small squeak, "But that's why we have to do this together"

"It's just so hard, you know?" JJ said trying to keep the pain from her voice

"I know, but you've come so far" Emily replied proudly, thinking of everything she knew JJ have come through, and knowing there was much more she didn't know about.

"And how much further do I have to go, how much more do I have to endure before I'm safe, before I can let my guard down, before I can just be _me_ again?"

"I don't know, but you've come so far, why give up now?"

"Why? Because I have nothing left! I have no energy left to fight, I have no pain left to torture me, and I have no heart left to put back together. I'm tired of fighting, I'm done hurting… I'm empty"

She was stunned into silence, what could she possibly say to that. She just sat there watching JJ, waiting for her to look away, waiting for her to cry, waiting for her to break… but she didn't, she just lay there, looking completely empty. She couldn't take it anymore; she couldn't just sit and watch her like that… Emily burst into tears.


	31. Shelby

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything I'll let you know…  
Spoilers: none.

AN/ I'm so sorry it took so long, especially when I said a week… but you would not believe how many times I've rewritten this chapter, and I'm still not really happy with it.

**HELP!!  
**This is becoming one of those stories that you initially start reading because you think the idea sounds interesting, but as it gets further and further into the story you're like, "what the hell are they thinking? They should be doing this instead…" and I'm not exactly sure what to do about it. So if you think you know where I'm heading, or know where I should be heading… or you have some kind of suggestion for me, please don't be shy in telling me, because I'm starting to feel like I'm going in circles, and I actually want to finish this story… unlike all my other stories.

**Thanks to everyone reading and reviewing, and especially thanks for sticking with me and my sporadic updates.**

**Chapter 31  
****Shelby**

_We have to distrust each other. It's our only defence against betrayal.  
_Tennessee Wellians

CMCMCM

She couldn't stop the tears, as hard as she tried, they just kept flowing. Her initial instinct was to run, to hide her tears from JJ, to hide her weaknesses, but she knew she couldn't. They had shared a moment before, where both had expressed how they were feeling, and if she ran the connection would be broken and she may never get it back, she may never get JJ back.

What else had happened to her to make her feel like she couldn't endure any more? She couldn't get the question out of her mind as she watched her friend who had become merely a shell of the person she used to be. How much had happened to her to make her feel empty? She almost didn't want to find out the answer.

The blonde finally shifted in her bed and Emily jumped slightly, not expecting her to move after she had been comatosely still for the last half an hour.

"JJ?" she didn't get an answer, but then she didn't really expect one either.

"JJ please look at me" still nothing

"JJ please say something" she felt herself get teary again at the blondes lack of response.

"JJ don't do this, I don't know what I'd do without you" she pleaded as the tears fell again. She felt a warmth on her hand and looked down to find JJ's and resting lightly on her own, sighing in relief at the contact. It was a small gesture, but it was a good sign, it meant JJ wasn't gone.

Peter burst into his office only minutes after he was sent for, a worried look marring his features.

"Kat, Roger, what's going on?" he demanded looking slightly worried at Kat's ghostly appearance.

"Peter they're here to ask you about one of our old students" Roger started

"I already know that, what's the emergency?" he asked agitatedly

"The student they're asking about… well… its Shelby" he stuttered anxiously, knowing Peter had quite the soft spot for the mischievous blonde.

The look on Peter's face mirrored the one worn by Kat and Roger only minutes earlier. They were all shocked by the mere mention of her name.

"Mr. Scarbrow are you alright?" Garcia asked uneasily.

"It's just been so long since I've heard anything about Shelby… no one knew where she was, not even her sister, I always imagined her back on the streets-"

"What do you mean _**back**_ on the streets?" Morgan asked heatedly.

Peter, Roger and Kat shared awkward glances, unsure of how to continue, or even if they should.

"Why do you want to know about Shelby?" Peter asked after a few moments silence.

"I asked first" Morgan replied automatically causing Kat to frown.

"We're not in elementary school _Agent_ Morgan" she replied defensively, emphasizing his title.

"I'm aware of that Miss-"

"It's Mrs." She interrupted his reply satisfactorily, earning a scorching glare from him.

"Mrs. Ferris" he replied, clenching his jaw "I am sure you don't want to be arrested for impeding a federal investigation, do you?"

"Look, we don't mean to be rude or undermine you, we're just very worried about Shelby" Peter interrupted calmly and no one could be bothered correcting his assumption.

"J-Shelby was assaulted in her apartment" Morgan finally answered eliciting a gasp from Kat and a look of horror from both Peter and Roger.

"Is she alright?" Peter asked immediately.

"Yes… well physically" Morgan replied sadly, having flashbacks of his friend lying extremely still in that sterile room, looking nothing like the woman they all loved.

"Roger… I think you'd better go get Sophie" Peter said quickly before urging Morgan to continue.

"We think it was her stepfather…" he answered awkwardly, unsure of how to broach the subject with them.

"Oh god" Kat murmured. Her eyes getting a glazed look as she remembered Shelby's breakdown after Walt's heart attack.

"She's strong Kat" was Peter's reply, which effectively broke her trance.

"I need to see her!" she suddenly demanded, a look of desperation on her face.

"I…don't think that's a good idea" Morgan replied sympathetically.

"Why not? A familiar face can't hurt…" Kat stated irritably.

"Actually-" Garcia started but was interrupted by Morgan

"That's why it's not a good idea"

"I don't understand" Peter said restlessly.

"Shelby's not… Shelby anymore" he said trying to explain the unusual situation.

"What does that mean?" a voice asked from the doorway.

"Soph, sit down" Peter said, the softness of his tone forcing her to obey.

"What happened? What about Shelby?" she asked worriedly after sitting next to her husband.

"She was attacked in her apartment… they think it was her stepfather" he relayed quietly

"No not Shelby, not again" she begged, her voice full of pain and worry.

"Well that's the thing…" Morgan interrupted, regaining eye contact with Peter "It wasn't…technically… Shelby"

"What are you trying to say?" Sophie asked, her frustration radiating from her.

"She isn't Shelby Merrick anymore… she doesn't exist" Garcia stated, sick of Morgan's avoidance.

The look on the counselors' faces was a mixture of surprise, worry and confusion as they tried to comprehend the information they had just been given. Out of the corner of her eye Garcia noticed Morgan giving her a dirty look- something he would never normally do- and she knew she had been a little inconsiderate, but they needed to get this over with, so they would tell them about Shelby.

"What do you mean, Shelby's not Shelby" Sophie asked suspiciously.

"She's an FBI agent" Garcia answered.

The three counselors wore a look of disbelief as they tried to read the faces in front of them, trying to decide if they were serious.

"You're kidding" Sophie said, although it was more a question than a statement.

"You mean, she's an agent… do you know her personally?" Peter suddenly asked

"Yes" Morgan replied, a defeated tone to his voice "We've been working together for over three years now"

"So why do you need us to tell you about her?" Kat said harshly and Sophie nodded in agreement.

There was an awkward silence in the room as Garcia and Morgan looked at each other, both urging to other to speak but neither wanted to explain, it was still slightly unbelievable to them.

"You have no idea who she is do you" Kat said teasingly, a malicious edge to her voice.

"You don't know what you're talking about, JJ's my best friend!" Garcia screamed at her, the slipup causing another long silence as everyone processed what she said.

"Who's JJ?" Peter asked.

"I…" Garcia started crying gently and Morgan put an arm around her, knowing he was going to have to explain.

"JJ… Jennifer Jareau, _is_ Shelby" he answered tensely

"WHAT!" they all said in unison

"What are you talking about, how can Shelby be Shelby and Jennifer?" Sophie asked confused

"She can't… isn't" Morgan added.

"So then-"

"She changed her name" he finished, cutting Sophie off before she could ask anything.

"What! Why?"

"That's why we're here, to find out why" he replied

"Even if we wanted to we couldn't help you, we're not allowed to share confidential records" Peter said diplomatically.

"There is no law-" he started but Kat interrupted

"Its school policy"

"School policy has no legal standing" Morgan quickly explained.

"If she wanted you to know she would have told you"

"She's not really in the position to tell us" he replied blatantly

"But you said-"

"I said she was physically ok. Emotionally she's a wreck"

"Oh" Kat said sighing loudly

"We really need your help to put this all together" he added

"Ok I'll tell you on one condition" Peter stated

"And what is that?" Morgan asked, knowing he wasn't going to like the answer

"I go back with you and see Shelby"

"What about us?" Sophie asked angrily

"You need to run this place, and Kat can't leave her group right now" he stated

"She was in my group Peter, my responsibility, if anyone should go it's me." Sophie complained

"Soph…" He paused

"I'm going Peter, don't you dare try and stop me!" he nodded gently at her resistance knowing he would never convince her to stay, and looked at the FBI agents questioningly.

"I guess we can't really stop you…" Morgan conceded unhappily

"Alright, so what do you want to know?" Peter asked his demeanor almost happy.

"Everything"

"What was she like?" Garcia asked quietly

"Shelby was Horizons resident 'bad girl', she looked all sweet and innocent but underneath that she was tough as nails" Kat said fondly

"Shelby hid behind so many walls it was hard to tell what the truth was most of the time" Sophie added smiling

"Shelby was extremely broken. She was a habitual runaway, didn't trust anyone and expected betrayal from everyone. She pretended she didn't care and used sarcasm to hide her profound lack of self-esteem and self-loathing" Peter explained sadly, sounding like he was reading from a nonexistent file.

"Are you telling me that was how she was when she left?" Morgan asked slightly angrily

"Not exactly" Peter started

"Shelby was doing better… and then Scott left" Sophie said dejectedly

"Who's Scott?" Garcia asked curiously

"Scott was her true love" Kat said tenderly, causing everyone else to send her strange looks. "I know it sounds silly, but they understood each other on a level none of us ever would" she explained

"Tell me more?" Garcia pleaded

"Shelby was the reason Scott made it!" Kat said proudly

"Made it?" Garcia asked quizzically.

"Scott Barringer, ever heard of him?"

"The quarterback?" Morgan asked and she nodded

"You mean JJ used to date a star football player!" Garcia said proudly

"She fixed him… but he never managed to fix her" Sophie finished sadly, squeezing Peters hand at the memory.

They were interrupted by Morgan's cell phone ringing.

"Excuse me" he said quickly as he walked outside to answer it.

'Hey Hotch what's up?'

'Where are you?' came Hotch's irritated reply

'JJ's only high school'

'In Pittsburgh?'

'Nope… in the north west' he said quickly

'I need you back here ASAP' Hotch said urgently

'Why?'

'We've got a lead'

'We'll be back as soon as we can…' He replied hanging up and returning to Peters office.

"We need to get going" Morgan said after sharing a look with Garcia

"Just give us a minute to pack a bag" Peter said and he and Sophie led them out of the room.

"What is it?" Garcia asked as they waited outside

"We have a lead"

"Oh thank god!" Garcia exclaimed happily as she sat on the steps waiting for Sophie and Peter. As much as she wanted to, she wasn't in the mood to discuss everything they had been told about JJ. They had found out a lot, and yet there was still so much they didn't know. Garcia wondered if they were ever going to know the whole story, and why everyone seemed to be avoiding telling it. She couldn't stop thinking about something Peter said, _I always imagined her back on the streets_, his comment deeply troubled her, what did he mean back on the streets?…


	32. Something right

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything I'll let you know…

Spoilers: none.

AN/ I've had this chapter finished for a number of days, but I'm really not sure if I want to post it… its nothing like I planned, and I don't think it's really related to the story.  
So let me know what you think, I might end up removing it when I post the next chapter.  
Which will be up soon!

**Chapter 32  
****Something right**

_You can have everything in life that you want if you just give enough other people what they want.  
_Zig Ziglar

CMCMCM

She hadn't left the blondes bedside since her breakdown, partly for support, but mostly for her own peace of mind. Just being with JJ and knowing she was safe made Emily considerably calmer and enormously less crabby, which is why the nurses let her be. JJ had been in and out for the better part of the day but she figured it was for the best, she still needed to heal and all the emotional baggage she was currently dealing with wasn't really helping her physical recovery. She was still unaware of their progress in catching Walt, and she had no idea that her sister was currently on her way from the airport. She had woken up a few times since the incident, but Emily hadn't the heart to tell her, she was so cut up about not being able to protect her sister that there was no use getting her worked up, at least not until she could see Jess was fine.

"Emily" Hotch called, sticking his head around the door and motioning for her to follow him into the hall.

"What is it?" she asked as she followed slowly

"This is Jess, JJ's sister" he introduced

"Emily" she greeted with a nod as she looked her up and down, comparing her to the photo she had seen from years earlier. She looked a little worse for wear and if Emily didn't know better she would have estimated her to be in her early 30s, not mid 20s as she knew the case to be.

"…so is Shelby in there?" Jess asked unsurely as she pointed to JJ's door.

"Yeah" Emily sighed

"You can go in if you like, but as I said she's very confused and drowsy at the moment" Hotch added

"Yeah I… thanks" Jess said quietly as she entered the room, closing the door behind her.

She hesitantly walked towards JJ's bed, her eyes taking in every detail of her sister. She looked so similar, and yet so different. Her hair was just as blonde and her face just as beautiful, but she looked so tiny and fragile in the large hospital bed. Jess ran a hand delicately over her sisters features absently, remembering the last time she had seen her sister nearly 7 years ago. She looked so innocent in her sleep. Maybe that's what was different about her; she had found her innocence again- if that was even possible.

"Why'd you have to leave Shel? Why did you leave me again?" she whispered as she gently laid her head on JJ's chest.

* * *

Hotch and Emily sat silently outside JJ's room, both wondering what was happening inside and having no idea how to break the awkward silence that have overcome them. Reid was resting in Emily's empty bed before he had to pick up Morgan and Garcia from the airport and return them, most likely for a dressing down from Hotch. As team leader he liked to be informed, especially when it was about a team member… he saw it as somewhat of a personal failure when he couldn't protect his team.

So what happened?" Emily asked to break the silence and Hotch looked at her questioningly "when Walt went to see Jess"

He noted how vehemently she spat his name but chose not to comment. "It was Alice's idea to see her-"

"She had to say goodbye to the only daughter she had left" Emily added resentfully and Hotch merely nodded.

"Walt was extremely jumpy and acting very strange, so after they left Jess called the police"

"And found out he was on the run"

"So they called us…"

"And that's it?" Emily asked suspiciously "she has no idea where they're headed?"

"Apparently not"

"You think she's lying?"

"I think she knows more than she's telling us" Hotch replied cryptically

"But why would she withhold anything, after everything he did to her?" she asked confused

"Because she loves her mother, and even though it's caused her unbearable pain she still wants to be loved by her…"

"She's not protecting Walt, she's protecting her mother…" she said absently and Hotch nodded

Emily let out a long sigh at the similarities between herself and Jess, at least in regards to their mothers. She too wanted to feel loved and accepted by her mother, but no matter what she did her mother never seemed to give an inch. Sure they had made some progress, and Emily had long ago accepted that politics was in her mother's blood, however she had only recently discovered that the façade she wore would never let up, at least not in front of her.

"Are you ok?" Hotch asked gently after her long silence, knowing that she too had problems with her mother.

"Fine, just a little worn out by everything" she admitted, pushing her thoughts away

"You should get some rest" he said kindly

"I want to wait until Morgan and Garcia get back… and plus Reid is currently sleeping in my bed" she replied smiling. Hotch gave her a look that said he could easily fix that problem but she lightly shook her head and chuckled, her hand instinctively grabbing her stomach as the convulsions rippled through her body.

"Emily?" Hotch questioned worriedly

"I'm alright, but I don't think laughing is such a good idea at the moment" she answered as the pain lessened

"Would you like a drink or something?" he asked sympathetically

"Uh, yeah actually a glass of water would be good" she replied gratefully and he left to get her one.

She slowly stood and walked to JJ's door, opening it just a crack and listening for a moment. When she didn't hear anything she opened it enough for her to slip into the room. She smiled slightly upon seeing the sisters sleeping together, Jess's head resting on JJ's chest with JJ's arm protectively around her little sister. Emily felt a pang of jealousy at the closeness of the two after so long, wishing there was someone who she was that familiar with, but quickly discarded the thought knowing that this was one of those 'sister' things that she would never fully be able to understand.

Careful not to disturb the sleeping sisters Emily rested her head against JJ's shoulder and closed her eyes. She felt herself breathing in time with JJ, their chests rising and falling at the same time and knew Jess had done the same. She finally felt herself drifting off as the comfort of being a part of them surrounded her, and just before she fell asleep she felt JJ's arm lightly circle her body and come to rest at her waist, gently pulling her closer. For the first time in years Emily smiled contently as sleep overtook her.


	33. Collide

**This is who we are.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything I'll let you know…

Spoilers: none.

AN/ First of all, I am SO sorry it took so long for me to update… I just hit a brick wall and couldn't write anything remotely post-able.  
But alas I think my writers block is gone, thank god, and I will try to update regularly again. Now that schools over that should be easier, but I do have 'important' exams for the next 3 weeks so I have to study a lot.

Dedicated to Liza and IrigD for helping me get past the writers block and being awesome!!  
As usual any mistakes let me know (it hasnt been beta'd)

Anyway, thanks to everyone who is reading and reviewing.  
I can't believe I've written 50,000 words on this thing, and I've gotten nearly 300 reviews. So thank you.

**Chapter 33  
****Collide **

_In life we all have an unspeakable secret, an irreversible regret, an unreachable dream and an unforgettable love.  
_Diego Marchi

CMCMCM

Hotch smiled at the cute scene before him. It was not every day that he was privy to such tender displays, not in their line of work. His heart had skipped a beat when he returned and Emily was nowhere to be found, but his ever observant mind quickly noted JJ's door was ajar and assumed that was where she had gone. Now, standing in the doorway with his arms crossed, Hotch simply watched the three women sleep. It was good that they had finally found solace and he was glad Emily was getting some proper sleep, even if she was sitting on an uncomfortable looking chair while doing so.

Reid had left some time ago to pick up Morgan and Garcia from the airport, and he knew they would be back soon, but he couldn't pull himself away from the room. There was something soothing about the way they were positioned, drawing comfort from each other like they had been doing it forever. He was glad for them, and proud of them, but he was also slightly jealous of them. What he would do to be able to just walk in there and join them, but that was unethical, not to mention against department policy, but the main reason he couldn't join them was because he worried anyone else's presence would break the atmosphere they had created.

"Hotch" Reid greeted uncomfortably, drawing his attention away from the room. He nodded quickly at Reid who seemed to disappear into thin air as he moved his attentions to the remaining agent and analyst.

"What on earth did you think you were doing? Getting on a plane and flying to the other side of the country without telling me… it was irresponsible and dangerous."

"Sir, we're sorry, but we thought if we told you you wouldn't let us go" Garcia apologized quickly

"Where exactly _did_ you go?" Hotch suddenly asked

"JJ's high school… in Washington State" Garcia replied

"Why did she go to school in Washington State, she's from Pittsburgh"

"Umm" Garcia looked away guiltily

"It wasn't exactly…" the look Hotch gave him was enough to make Morgan reconsider stalling any longer "It was a school for troubled teens"

Hotch stood stunned for a few moments "Did you find anything?"

"Well…"

"My names Peter Scarbrow and this is my wife Sophie" Peter said as he appeared behind Morgan, offering his hand to the irritated agent.

"Peter and Sophie own Mt. Horizon, the school JJ went to"

"And what are they doing here?" Hotch asked, very confused.

"We wanted to see Shelby…" Sophie said

"Well she's not-"

"We know everything, your agents have explained the situation and we thought we could help… we know Shelby better than most"

"They obviously haven't explained the situation very well then" Hotch said, sending Morgan a scorching glare

"Please, we just want to see her" Sophie begged

"Well she's asleep at the moment, but when she wakes-"

"Peter, Sophie?!"

"Jess" Sophie called happily, pulling the woman into a tight hug

"I never thought I'd see her again" she said starting to sob

"But we've found her" Sophie said gently

"Have we?" Jess said, calming herself

"What do you mean?" Peter asked

"Well she's…"

"She's what?" he urged

"She's awake" Emily said quietly from the doorway causing the hallway to become deathly quiet. Jess shared an anxious look with what Emily assumed were the Scarbrows and it suddenly occurred to her that they weren't really sure how to approach the situation, or JJ. Were they to call her JJ, or Shelby because that's how they knew her? Was it selfish to want to know why she hadn't contacted them in the last 7 years, just so they knew she was ok…

"Can we see her?" Emily's thoughts were interrupted by the blonde woman and she nodded gingerly before leading them into the room.

"JJ, you have some-"

"Jess! What are you- Peter- Sophie, why-"

"Whoa, slow down sweetie" Sophie said as she moved to hold JJ's hand.

"It's just, it's been so long… I didn't- how did you know?" JJ directed the last part to Emily who shrugged

"Garcia"

"Course" JJ replied. Emily was glad to note the happiness in her voice, and in her eyes, she hadn't seen much in those haunted eyes in a long time.

"I'm gonna leave you guys alone for a minute" Emily said mostly to herself as she moved towards the door.

"Em wait!" JJ called from the bed and she turned questioningly "Em, this is Peter and Sophie Scarbrow- the closest thing I had to parents growing up" she started introducing and Emily smiled slightly to them "And this is Jess, my little sister" she announced proudly, shooting her sister a smile before looking back at Emily.

"We already met, sort of" Jess said and JJ looked questioningly between them.

"We fell asleep in the chairs, and you were still asleep when we woke up…" Emily explained

"So I told her some embarrassing stories for you" Jess giggled and JJ shot her a dirty look "You're just lucky I didn't have any photos with me!"

Emily smiled again before excusing herself to talk to Hotch, slightly worried with the ease at which JJ reconnected with them. To be fair, Jess was her sister, and she introduced Peter and Sophie as her de facto parents, but she worried about how she was dealing with her two worlds colliding, especially now.

"How's it going in there?" Hotch asked pulling up a chair for her.

"I'm worried"

"Why?"

"They're getting on like a house on fire… and I'm not sure they should be. Screaming, shouting, tears, accusations, that would be normal… but they're acting like nothing happened" Emily started

"Maybe they are just trying to move past it all"

"But you and I both know that they are only prolonging it… they can't fully move on until they've confronted her"

"I know" he admitted

"And you're not worried?" she asked confused

"Peter and Sophie have been doing this for a long time, they know what they're doing… they know when to push and how far to go. I think we just need to trust them to help her" Hotch said resignedly

"I don't like being so helpless… I want to do something"

"You've done all you can for the moment, it's up to them now"

"I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that" Emily confessed

"Unfortunately we don't have much of a choice anymore… JJ obviously trusts them, we just have to trust her judgment and hope they can get through to her."

"I guess so"

"You ready Hotch?" Morgan called as he and Garcia approached them.

"Ready for what?" she questioned

"We've had a sighting, they were pulled over for speeding in Knoxville a few hours ago but the cop didn't realize who it was until after he'd let them go"

"Knoxville?"

"They're heading in the direction of the boarder" Morgan asserted

"It's a little early to assume that" Hotch reminded "But we should head out"

"Hey" Emily called and they turned to look at her "bring the bastard back alive"

"Count on it" Morgan replied as they disappeared around the corner.

"I'm gonna plot their likely route for our boys" Garcia explained quickly as she rushed to set up her computer.

"I can't wait to see the look in that bastards eye when I'm the one holding the gun" Emily muttered to herself as she settle into a chair outside JJ's room, wondering what was going on inside, but not daring to look.

XXX

The silence that followed Emily's exit was deafening, there were so many questions they didn't ask, so much silence that JJ just wanted to scream to stop the ringing in her ears and the guilt that was invading her already shattered soul.

"Why did you leave me again?"

Jess' fragile voice permeated the silence, and JJ was slightly shocked, she didn't expect Jess would be the one to speak first.

"Why?" Jess cried, desperate for an answer she knew she couldn't give.

"I… I don't know" she stuttered, trying to find something she could use to justify her actions.

"How can you not know?" Jess accused

"I don't know, Ok, I just don't know!" JJ replied frustrated

"No it's not ok Shelby" JJ froze at the mention of her old name "I don't know how you can abandon your sister for years and not know why you did it!"

"Jess I… I had to. They made me leave, for my protection and for yours"

"But you didn't have to stay, you could have come back years ago, but you didn't… you left me with him, just like you did when we were kids" JJ visibly flinched and wiped a stray tear from her cheek.

"Don't do that, don't you dare do that Jess… I'm sorry, so sorry for leaving you when we were younger, I really thought he would keep his promise and I was stupid for believing him, but I can't change what happened. Don't you think I would if I could? But we can't go back in time, we can't change what happened… we just have to deal with it the best way we know how"

"So you ran away!" Jess stated and JJ could swear she saw a nod from Peter, damn him.

"It's all I know" she replied sadly, looking away from them all.

"Shel, you know running away doesn't solve anything" Peter said gently

"I know"

"So why did you?" he asked curiously

"Because I didn't want to be a victim anymore… all my life I was a victim, Shelby was a victim, I just wanted a fresh start… I wanted to become the person I would have been if Walt had never been a part of our lives." She cried, begging him to understand.

"That's a beautiful dream sweetie, but what he did to you will always be there…" Sophie said softly

"You've gotta stop this Shelby-JJ thing. You're one person, and even though Shelby's gone now, she's still a part of you JJ. You can never fully get rid of your past" Peter added, using JJ instead of Shelby now.

"I think I always knew that… but it was nice to pretend for a while" she confessed

"But you can't fool your heart, right?" Sophie said sincerely

"Right" JJ confirmed, remembering the first time Sophie told her that, and acknowledging the truth in her words.

"Soph, why don't you and Jess go get something to eat" Peter said after a moment's hesitation.

"Sure, c'mon" Sophie replied putting an arm around Jess and leading her out of the room.

"Wow Peter, could you get any more obvious" JJ joked

"Hey, I wasn't really going for subtle" he laughed

"You, subtle? Never" she teased lightly

"How are you holding up?" he asked seriously

"Honestly?"

"No, I want you to lie to me" he said slightly sarcastically and JJ wondered if he hadn't picked up something from her after all.

"I'm a little overwhelmed at the moment… it's a bit like being back at Horizon, all these emotional confrontations and everything" she looked pointedly at him and he grinned "everyone wants to know what I'm thinking and feeling all the time, and mostly I don't know how I'm feeling…"

"It's a lot to deal with, especially after deluding yourself for so long"

"Deluding myself? Harsh much!"

"Well it's true, all of this was just a way to trick yourself into believing the lies you told."

"Is this supposed to be helping?"

"You went a long time pretending to be something you weren't, lying to all your friends and letting them believe what they wanted to, and now it's all out in the open and that's a lot to deal with" Peter continued, trying to get his point across.

"Part of me is glad they know, so that I don't have to lie to them anymore, and part of me wishes they could go on believing I'm their innocent media liaison because I don't think I can take their pity much longer" JJ admitted

"It's not pity, its sympathy, empathy… they're not innocent either, everyone has their demons to contend with. You were just so good at pretending you didn't have any that it's going to take some time for them to adjust."

"I don't want them to think that I can't do my job now or to worry every time we have a case that hits a little too close to home…"

"I'm sure they worried before all this came out too"

"They used to worry because they expected everything to hit me harder, because I was the 'innocent' one, now they'll worry because I'm the damaged one."

"You can't honestly tell me your coworkers aren't damaged… they wouldn't be doing what they do if they weren't."

"I guess your right" she conceded

"I may not agree with your method, but I'm really proud of the way you're handling all of this. I know seeing Walt again must have been awful, but I'm so proud of how far you've come and the person you are." He added, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder

"Stop it you're gonna make me cry" JJ joked as she wiped her eyes quickly, trying to hide the tears his words provoked.

"I mean it Shel…JJ. Sorry, it's going to take some getting used to."

"It's ok"

"Well I better go tell them it's safe to come back in now." he smiled and she nodded while trying, unsuccessfully, to stifle a yawn.

"Why don't you get some rest and we'll come back later"

"Please stay?" she begged

"Ok, but get some sleep" he urged, stroking her hair lightly a few times before getting comfortable in the chair beside her bed.

XXX

A man stood at the nurses' station tapping his fingers against the bench impatiently as he waited for them to help him.

"Yes sir" someone finally asked

"I'm looking for Jennifer Jareau" he replied quickly

"Uh, down the hall third door on the right, may I ask-" when she looked up again he was gone. "You're welcome" she muttered before going back to her paperwork.


End file.
